two hundred-eighty second.

dear (k)you,

so it's almost a year since i last visited (well actually wrote) here. the do or die thing in the last post is now over and done with. i did (not died), so safe to safe that's something we can cross off the list now. several things have changed since a year ago.

1: the douchebag. if i'm not mistaken, the last entry i made about him was him having a +1. well, said +1 is now -1. i'm not so sure though if i could have enough courage once again to make my move. i think i prolly already blew it with him. heh.

2: the doctor. he's married now. didn't see that one coming. goes to show i'm too self-absorbed.

3: the friend. he's still my friend. there's nothing really new about that.

and a few other things about a few more people which i do not want to get into anymore. they're not important.

now we get into the now. i've been trying this online thing for quite a while now and so far it has yielded quite a few. i've progressed with several boys, from different parts of the world, in different levels (before you think of what kind of levels, let me just make it clear that all this is starting as a twisted-sick-long-distance-relationship) anyway, so far there's been 3.

1: the prince: i call him prince because he lives there with the queen. it was fun with him, getting the cute morning messages and in between work talks. but then he suddenly up and decided he didn't want to talk to me anymore. prolly found someone else.

2: the emperor: i call him emperor because of his roots. the guy lives in the land of the free and has no trace of his ethnic roots, but whatever. him i think really likes me, and he's okay to talk to. but, i dunno. my unrealistic standards are being a pain. but see, i just can't see myself with him.

3: hitler jr: ha. now. as the name implies, compared to the other two, he seems like a bad move. but i dunno. i feel butterflies whenever he texts. i feel sad whenever he doesn't. but i don't want to jinx this. i have a habit of putting so much emotional investment on nothing. so i don't want to this time. i don't want to with this one.

shit.

two hundred-eighty first.

dear (k)you,

hello. it's been such a while right? i'm busy doing a lot of stuff right now. it's really something i really need to do. it's like a do or die thing. but right now, i'm taking a break, so i'm intoxicated like shit. i'm not even going to censor the words that might be said in this post. i'm just feeling all sorts of feelings right now. and that includes a feeling of needing to pee. like reeeeallly needing to pee. 

if you must know, the douchebag has a girlfriend now, so, fuck. i'm listening to this sad song. so maybe. i'll see you later.

still wish for you. love you.

two hundred-eightieth.

dear (k)you,

+1 

i never thought it could have an effect like this on me. 

i guess i should've just believed all of them. 

he was too pretty for me.

he was too good for me.

he was never going to like me.

i was going to have a hard time.

i guess i really had used up my OAO card on the ex.

it's probably better this way anyway.

it would've been nice. he would've been perfect.

would've.

two hundred-seventy ninth.

dear (k)you,

i guess three strikes, would eventually push me to write. anyway, as per tradition, i say i stop talking to the douchebag, but i always end up going against that and depressing myself more. 

but i think this time its the worst. i hope i get to tell him what a complete asshole he is. but i don't know. i rambling.

the real reason i am so freakishly depressed right now, is because the little brother has a girlfriend. yes. i am now a 5th wheel. 

i should say the pressure is on, but really what can i do at this point? its not like i didn't try (or am trying? i don't know :|). i put myself out there, really. i know i shouldn't give up, but how far should i go? 

fuck. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

i just want to shout FFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK.

as what j.lo said. "oh my pride is all i have."

and i don't even have that anymore i think.

two hundred-seventy eighth.

dear (k)you,

i'm watching the world cup right now, trying to distract myself from the asshole that is the douchebag.

i know i've said things like these before, in an attempt to push OAO to humor me. but i think i've finally reached the point where i can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. i've tried. really. and i think i've been getting code "he's-just-not-that-into-you" fora while now, and i think i should finally acknowledge it. i mean, it's not like he didn't try to humor me. he did. he was even nice enough to talk to me for a while. but this is just too much. now he couldn't even spare the time to answer my question. and it hurts.

it hurts when you put yourself out there and you get clobbered. 

and the sad part is, i really wanted it to be him. he's one of the few which really caught my attention. which made me want to try harder and prove to all that he is not what they think. but he's exactly what they say he is. bastard.

i guess i really have that attraction to the danny zucko complex. and i shouldn't be complaining. because this is a two-way street. i can't keep fantasizing and wishing for him to reciprocate. 

its' so painful really.

and i think this time, it's for real. no more of the douchebag. no more.

bye m. for real this time.

ps: bosnia herzegovina is winning, and they're cuter than the iranians.  

two hundred-seventy seventh.

dear (k)you,

i am a little conflicted right now about the douchebag. i really am. he's got a lot going on in his life, and i don't think i'm even welcome. i mean, he can't even spare me some time. but he goes on gallivanting on a holiday, or playing basketball in his old college. i mean what the hell really?

i know i shouldn't care. because that's exactly what makes this whole thing "complicated". this is exactly the kind of behavior that would hinder me from actually getting somewhere with him. if in fact there is even a slight remote chance of it happening.

he is such a girl. i swear. such a motherfucking girl. 

and i am a motherfucking coward-psychopath.

please come back? life was so much more peaceful when i was just hoping for you. i think i could handle you. the douchebag is just.

this is the little boy all over again. the cycle continues.

two hundred-seventy sixth.

dear (k)you,

this is a little overdue, but well whatever. i'm in that kind of mood. please know that i am not really talking to you. i would be (for the most part) be talking to the douchebag and to the rest of the fucking male population who are such rude assholes.

okay.

so. here goes. i would like to pick a bone with the phrase "talk to you later" or "get back to you" or "I'LL TEXT YOU LATER" or whatever else mutation there is for the goddamn phrase!

i mean really? really? you think you'd all be doing us a favor if you tell us that and not follow through? you think it's some dude code for "i'm-a-nice-person-so-i-won't-tell-you-straight-that-i-have-no-plans-of-getting-back-to-you-EVER"? NO. it's actually code for "i-am-a-rude-asshole-with-no-balls".

you could just tell us bye. or even, not reply entirely. sure you're still a jerk if you do that, but at least you leave us a decent amount of pride to hold on to. at least we wouldn't be waiting for DAYS and checking the goddamn phone every MINUTE even though it hasn't made a single sound or texting or calling ourselves just to check that the phone lines are okay.

but if you go and say something like that, and not follow through. WOW. JUST WOW. you have now unlocked a new level of being an ASS. i guess manners are not taught in jerk university. not surprising though, NO ONE would pass that class.

plus, i'd prolly even have respect for you if you told me straight up "okay. bye".

too bad. now i have no respect for you. and i have no respect for me. which makes me hate you even more. i though i'd be less mad when i let this all out. 

whoops. guess not.

FUCK YOU.