hundred-fifty seventh.

dear (k)you,

so i'm sick right now. this isn't really a good time to be sick, but it really is the lesser of many other evils. anyway, it's my 3rd week of school, and what have you, i'm already starting what the sunbaes call "3-1" way of life, which is basically no sleeping and studying, eating, napping, waking up to study some more. and just to re-iterate how gruesome this semester is, even our professors have a special name for students at this stage. i mean, i already had an idea about how this semester is roughly going to be, but hearing people, professors actually, say these kinds of things makes me scared shit. them having this special name for this students taking this semester, is enough to instill fear in anyone. right? fear of a name... yadda yadda yadda.

but anyway, that's what i have you for right? you can be my "fear-absorber". my friend said that this semester can be overcome by effective time management and, i think, non-fear. so you can help me with the non-fear part (since you won't really be a help with time management. if anything, you'll prolly worsen it kekeke)

and in any case, majority of students scrape pass this semester unscathed. and i know i'm part of the majority. if they can do it, so can i.

give it up for positive thinking eh?

hundred-fifty sixth.

dear (k)you,

this isn't about you.

everybody has a first love. and well, you weren't mine.

it's his birthday today... and since i haven't made an obsessive diary devoted to him, i'll put it here...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! to my first love <3

ps: you prolly thought you were my first love huh? well maybe that'll be a step down for you. keke.

hundred-fifty fifth.

dear (k)you,

so it's been a week of school already, and i feel like i've been going to school for a month. not a good sign if i want to survive this semester unscarred. but i will. so anyway, it's not only school that's being a pain, lately i've been having poor self-esteem levels. i mean, it's crazy. i know i'm not drop dead pretty and boys don't really like me for more than 5 seconds, but i dunno. i feel lonely.

so my friend (who's having the same issues as i am) and i were talking about why we think we repel boys. and we came into the conclusion that it's because we hang out at the wrong places and very, very rarely go out if that. but it's not like i can do anything about that! school is being such a hindrance cuz 1) my schedule does not even permit me to have free time at home and 2) my instruments are so freak ass expensive, i don't even have enough to get by. so yeah. we end up going out once in a blue moon and we hang out in cheap places where boys we like, or at least THINK (i say think because i don't think in hell we deserve them) are worthy of us, do not hang out at all.

but then i realized, there's another reason i do not have someone special. it's because when all is said and done, i know, that even if a guy presents himself in front of me, i wouldn't say yes still. because, even though i complain and sulk in my low self-esteem-ness... i still refuse, because yeah, i'm waiting for you. okay not you you, cuz let's face it, if i wait for you, i might as well not anymore. but anyway, i think i'm waiting for someone like you.

and someone like you isn't likely to be found here, even if i do hang out in a different place every freaking day.

so there. in the end, i still managed to pin my incapacity to attract the opposite sex on you...

i'm actually getting good at this don't you think?

hundred-fifty fourth.

dear (k)you,

so the day's winding down... today is my last vacation day, and tomorrow marks the first day of the dreaded semester. it's the semester everyone's afraid of. and i am scared out of my life for this semester too. but i know i can do this. i can scrape past this too and i will finally feel better about myself after 130 days. i've done 130 days before, and i know i can do this. i have OAO, daddy-o and of course you to get me past this. and i can finally feel better about myself.

i'm gooood.

i should have a bit more faith in my friends too. and myself.

hundred-fifty third.

dear (k)you,

23 years ago, something happened that wreaked havoc. kekeke. i was born. anyway, it's one of the saddest birthdays as i do not have anyone to celebrate it with :( so i thought i'd celebrate with you. even if you are miles away. you and me have been together on this earth for 23 years. i just hope the next years to come, we'd be next to each other.

... or not.

and cause of that... i have food for thought.

hundred-fifty second.

dear (k)you,

it's officially another month. i wish time flies. so that i can start ticking off days already. i wanna stop feeling sorry for myself. really. i think, instead of blaming them... i should be looking at myself. there must be a reason why i'm all alone. i'm not a very likeable person.

i wish i could get a fresh start. i just need a chance. but i won't have one. that much i'm sure of.

just like what the song said... i could really use a wish right now.