hundred-thirty sixth.

dear (k)you,

i didn't even get to say goodbye.

maybe next time.

hundred-thirty fifth.

dear (k)you,

my heart hurts right now. you're here - again. remember that time when i asked OAO about when it rains, it'll indicate the number of years before we see each other again. and it rained 1 day after, meaning 1 year after we see each other. and true enough... it's been a year. well, roughly. but you get the picture.

it really hurts. i want to see you.

i want you to see me.

but no. this time, it's just not right. and it figures too, i'm having major skin dilemmas cuz of school. i'm honestly doing okay with my school stuff. i'm not sure how i'll fare in this last hurrah, but well. as of now, it's doing good.

but my heart still hurts.

cuz....

I MISS YOU OKAY.

I MISS YOU LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.

hundred-thirty fourth.

dear (k)you,

we're going on a road trip tomorrow. me and some of my college friends. it's nice, kinda feels like i'm part of something right now, even if college WILL end in 2 years (yes i am claiming it!) the authorities will do something about it... that's prolly my only hope anyway.

oh and in 3 (technically 2) days, you'll be here. AND IT'LL SUCK. cuz i'm not where you are. not even close.

ftw.

hundred-thirty third.

dear (k)you,

okay. can i just say, PATHOLOGY SUCKS. i mean what the hell was i thinking wanting to be a pathologist when i was young?

i'm not even studying to be a pathologist, and already this is sucking the life out of me! but maybe that's what makes it so uninteresting to me...

i'm not studying to be one, so all the interesting stuff the leave out, and the stupid professors don't even teach properly. AISH.

i really want to do well this time around. i mean, i'm actually doing quite okay lately. my exams aren't that bad (plus i passed that conditional exam i had, so it's really renewed vigor) BUT MEHN.

PATHOLOGY IS JUST RAINING ON MY PARADE.

hundred-thirty second.

dear (k)you,

is it that time of the year again? i guess so. i read something, and then it go tme thinking...

"i never fell in love with you. i just fell."

it got me thinking about why i'm so caught up with you.

and the temporary answer my wasted brain (that should be studying, but screw it!) came up with this:

you were an excuse for everything that never went my way.

i mean really. classic example: i don't have an exciting love life. and why is that? because REALLY, i just don't have it in me to keep any guy interested for more than, what 3 seconds. but what do i keep telling myself oh? that it's because i am MEANT for you. i have this claim over you already, just because things can't go my way.

and then there's this excuse about my being unhappy because i am not where you are. but come on, honestly, i'm depressed because, this is not where i want to be. this is not what i pictured how my youth will be spent.

I DIDN'T PICTURE MYSELF TO BE STUDYING AT THE AGE OF 22. STILL.

i know i know, i should be happy, cuz studying is WAAAY better than working, but i don't like it here. nothing here is for me. and this ball and chain called school is making me waste time.

but then i blame it on you. that cuz i have to be with you, and not because i am seriously unhappy.

i'm prolly having that time of the month aren't i? yeap. i guess so.

hundred-thirty first.

dear (k)you,

i'm going to make this short.

I PASSED! the freaking exam that wreaked my days for 5 months... i finally passed it!

although it's a bit sad that i cant celebrate it fully since a few of my friends failed, but i cannot believe it! i passed!

and just in time. cuz, it was really the defining exam. if i failed, i seriously would've considered giving this up.

so OAO, daddy-o THANK YOU.

and yeah, you too. :')

hundred-thirtieth.

dear (k)you,

so i did something, actually i had it a long time ago, but i never really used it -- until now. i really don't know what possessed me to use it, but well... anyway, it's something you can see. i doubt you'll be able to see me, but well, it's there. just like that thing i did way way back (this is getting hard don't you think?) anyway, i cried again yesterday. i guess it's because i realized how pathetic i am already. i mean really? you and me? not in a million years. but a big part of the reason i cried is because, out of my freaking busy schedule, the schedule that forced me into a half-zombie lifestyle is going to give me a free weekend on... wait for it...

THE SAME WEEKEND THAT YOU'RE HERE. and you know the best part of it all:

I WON'T GET TO SEE YOU! i will be holed up here in my house, DOING NOTHING (cuz school just had to mess with me like that). i almost wish i had an exam coming up the week after, just so i can have a measly excuse for not being near you.

this sucks. anyway. i'm determined though to get pass this. i am so going to be where you are, one way or another. and you're gonna go dramacrazy on me.

whoops. that was the bitter loneliness talking. heh.

happy valentines <3

hundred-twenty ninth.

dear (k)you,

yeah. it's that time of the year again. i'm more unprepared this year than the last. i actually have a big sign on my face that reads: NO LOVELIFE (aka pimples the size of a country - cuz yeah, they did tame a bit. it's not commercial worthy, but at least it doesn't hurt anymore)

so yeah, don't mind those things that they throw at you okay? none of them matters.

it's vday. think of me. heh.

hundred-twenty eighth.

dear (k)you,

i'm pretty pleased with myself lately. this was an okay week. but i'm gonna head back to the hell hole in a few days. just wanna enjoy this as much as i can. anyway, i feel good inside, but outside, i'm pretty much a big mess. my skin is a hot mess (feel like i had an allergic reaction to stress again, i have pimples as big as the world, i know it's gross.), my voice is non-existent (that's what i get for being too supportive) and my body is growing in places that i do not want (just to be clear, it's my stomach, not my belly -- there's a big difference for girls. oh and of course my legs.) i wanna go on a diet, but i promised OAO that i'll stop being anorexic just so i can pass that dreaded exam already. of course, i wanna go back on my word again. can i OAO please?

aaanyway..

hundred-twenty seventh.

dear (k)you,

it's weird, see i look at this public page and get some snippets that touch me (ergo about you), but since my life became a total mess of what it's supposed to be, i'm being drawn to stuff about... wait for it...


SCHOOL! can you believe it? SCHOOL! i trade you for FUCKING SCHOOL! how f-ed up is that huh?

but anyway, if i think about it, why do i go crazy about school anyway? YES. it's cuz i wanna get it over with and be where you are. yes. cuz that's the only way. school is actually my ticket out of this hell hole.

so in a way, yeah, i guess it STILL revolves around you. let's just see if it's that way next year.

OH and newsflash: i've been doing this for almost a year now. huh. that's grand. kekeke

hundred-twenty sixth.

dear (k)you,

i missed it. your birthday.

oh well. books before....

and well, technically, it still is your birthday, here where i am. so yeah...

again, happy birthday <3

hundred-twenty fifth.

dear (k)you,

see now, what kind of a person am i? since i'm in way over my head, i had the dates on my calendar messed up. it's not yet your birthday. it'll be tomorrow. but well, i might not get to go online anymore. so yeah. let's just pretend i didn't mess this up.

so yeah. happy birthday still. i don't know how old you are, since yknow, you guys count funny. but well, i think we're supposed to be the same age. and yeah, we're getting old.

happy birthday~

hundred-twenty fourth.

dear (k)you,

just because i might not be able to touch the computer later, and since technically it is already the 2nd of feb...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ~

i remember last year i saw a shooting star. i don't have time to gaze at the skies so, let's just pretend okay? anyway. that's all i really want to say. i have a sad story, but let's wait for this day to pass first okay?

i have OAO to thank for this day... yknow, for bringing you into this world (eek cheesy)

enjoy your birthday okay? :) <3