two hundred-thirtieth.

dear (k)you,

in a few hours, it'll be a new year. i don't even know how to describe the year that was. except maybe that it was the year i thought of you least.

funny how the last few days, i had to do something that involved me looking at old archives of you. and you still manage to bring a lasting smile on my face.

i know right now i have the asshole (well technically no, i refuse to talk to him), the little boy and the little boy's bestfriend (well, technically, i'm still hoping that i finally meet him)

but after all is said and done, i still hope for the miracle that is you.

since i might not be able to check in later...

here's to another year, another wish, and maybe, another chance.

cheers.

two hundred-twenty ninth.

dear (k)you,

better late than never.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! <3 font="font">

two hundred-twenty eighth.

dear (k)you,

walking on eggshells right now.

man i hate this.

two hundred-twenty seventh.

dear (k)you,

i'm sure you've prolly heard about this stupid end of the world nonsense. well, it's about to happen tomorrow... and i'm kind of hoping it does.

sick. i know.

anyway. i'm still not over my hump with the little boy. it's just that. i saw something nice about him. and thinking about it makes me smile. i know how much of a bad person he is for me. but i keep thinking, if maybe he gives me a chance, he could actually like me.

fuck. who am i kidding. NO. i am not going to waste my time on him again. i will put myself out there (for real this time). no more chasing stupid dreams. 

no more expecting.

and on that note. i do not want the world to end tomorrow and i expect it to NOT END. #winkwink

two hundred-twenty sixth.

dear (k)you,

... i want to say i want to give way... but i don't.

i'm on my own.

i know i've said this many times already. but OAO! life was way easier when i was just hopelessly in love with you.

two hundred-twenty fifth.

dear (k)you,

i just have to get this out before it consumes my again.

i mentioned my primadonna friend (PDF) already right? well. he's at it again. but not in the same way. i mean. even though he's a primadonna, in the end, so it seems, he's my closest friend. but even though that is the case, i just came to realize about 5 minutes ago... that when it comes to my love life...

i can't count on him. in every thing, he and i would have the same track of mind. we would have the same thoughts, at the same time. we think the same, we like the same things, we hate the same things. but for some twisted reason, when it comes to my love life, he can't seem to take a hint. 

he can't see that i need his help. and if maybe he could, he doesn't want to help me in that category. 

kinda sucks too, cuz he could easily make things go his way. too bad his and my way don't actually coincide.

but whatever. LB isn't really deserving anyway.

ps: the asshole is making noise again, trying to talk to me. and like i said, NEVER.

two hundred-twenty fourth.

dear (k)you,

tonight is one of those nights where i am reflecting, thinking, and all that jazz. in short, i'm flat out bored, with no one to go out with.

haha. this is where a boyfriend comes handy. imagine, my whole family is out, and i am here, practically about to sleep at 9 in the evening. i mean, come on. on a normal day, i'd just be about getting ready to go out and try to have a life.

but sadly no. i am freaking reduced to typing. and pretend in my head that i have a life.

what a freak.

two hundred-twenty third.

dear (k)you,

life is too short to waste on stuff like school.

#randomthoughts

 

two hundred-twenty second.

dear (k)you,

slash that. this is for the little boy.

dear little boy.

i know i've said in a lot of my previous entries that that will be the last time i ever talk about you - but i end up writing about you still. like some stupid stubborn sicko.

but this time it's different. as my friend said, "i've had a change of heart", or something to that effect.

i've decided to not think of you anymore. finally. it's definitely gonna take some time. but i will try this time around.

you finally did something to make me realize that i'm deluding myself.

so for that, thank you.

and goodbye.

... 

two hundred-twenty first.

dear (k)you,

so the little boy disappointed me again. i hate it when i prepare and he's not there.

i'll get my timing right one of these days.

and he'll freak out.

i just know it.

two hundred-twentieth.

dear (k)you,

i had a thought mapped out in my head a while ago. but then the stupid fan is being a bitch and i forgot all about it. shame. it was pretty witty, for me.

but all i can say is that it was about the little boy.

and how i wish he could see me as someone more. i mean, it hurts when he brushes me off like that.

why can't he develop juvenile feelings for me which can easily be mistaken as admiration?

and i hate myself for always hoping and thinking of these stupid possibilities because the universe made this stupid rule that once you thought about it, it will NEVER COME TRUE.

i mean, when was the last time you fantasized about a certain situation, and then boom, it happens just as you had imagined?

never right?

but come to think of it, i'm prolly the only person who'd be pathetic enough to make scenarios in my head.

pathetic. really.

two hundred-nineteenth.

dear (k)you,

the little boy has been a regular in my dreams that i've decided two seconds ago to not let it affect me anymore.

the last time i let this affect me, i had a major weight loss (which, incidentally, wouldn't be so bad. but NO).

but last night's dream was the worst i think. because it lasted the longest. and it probably was the closest to what was possible?

i don't know. i don't like it.

two hundred-eighteenth.

dear (k)you,

hi. it's been a long time. i'm down to my last month of this year.

sad to say, not much has changed from 365 days ago.

i'm still hopelessly desperate.

but maybe it's getting close. at least this year i came short of having someone. maybe 2013 will be kinder to me, ne?

but whatever. the real reason i had the sudden urge to write was because i felt a strange-sort-of-scared feeling about the little boy.

and get this, something happened tonight that would give me the permission to feel depressed about the asshole. but instead i get this weird ass feeling about the little boy.

it all started with a casual conversation between me and the asshole (remind me to NEVER EVER EVER EVER talk to him again). stupid conversation ended with him telling me he's coming over to see me. long story short, i freshened up to look presentable but he stood me up (AGAIN). at this point i should be seething mad again. but strangely, i was just annoyed. i sort of expected him to "flake" anyway.

so i was browsing my social network account and saw this weird ass post about seeing "top stalkers". i know it's pretty bogus and random, but what the hell, i tried it out. went on to check the order of my supposed stalkers. it was around 15 when the asshole's page appeared. note here that i was just annoyed. and then, number 22 was suddenly the little boy's page. 

and curious me, checked his page. saw several things that sort of scared me. like him partying. him having a conversation with his best friend (who was supposed to be my blind date at some point). him having a life outside our "prison"... him looking pretty good.

i think i'm just scared. i think my desperation is pushing me to feel things that i shouldn't - things that wouldn't be necessary if i just let them be. if i stop imagining things.

like i said, life was much simpler when i was just obsessing over you. when did you leave my life huh?

... come back please.

all i want for christmas... is you.