two hundred-fifty sixth.

dear (k)you,

seeing that "1" beside the envelopes always makes me hope.

and i always get burnt.

i am so frustrated with myself. 

I DO NOT WANT TO FUCKING THINK OF HIM ANYMORE!

i don't want to, but deep in my heart i still want to. i really really want things to magically fall into place.

but i know that the more i wish for it, the more its not going to happen.

i was just built like that. i don't think i deserve something happy.

or something remotely close to my imagination. 

i'll prolly end up the way i always thought i would.

with my back up plan.

please, can i have a restart on my life? please. i've gotten myself into such a mess with all the wrong choices i've made. 

i want a new start. please.

two hundred-fifty fifth.

dear (k)you,

insecurity is taking its toll on me again.

why? why did the little boy have to come with us?

i mean, i'm really over him already. these feelings were more of because of me, than of him.

knowing that i wasn't still good enough for him -- even during THAT time, is fucked up.

he really is one of the reasons why i have such low self esteem.

and it doesn't help that the only person who i count on to lift me up is MIA again.

this time, i think he really isnt going to reply anymore.

fuck him for trying to flirt, then going cold turkey.

UGH.

OAO, can't i get a break??
 

two hundred-fifty fourth.

dear (k)you,

i wish i was writing a retraction from the previous post. that i am taking back what i said about signs. but sadly, no.

SIGNS STILL FUCKING SUCK.

i hate these fucking signs. why? why do i have to see him all over. him. his name. his "identifiers". his mother fucking country! 

ugh! but what i hate, is the fact that i like seeing this shit. even though i know that these "signs" (i put the "" on them because i believe that they are not really signs from OAO) are not real and are only in my head, i secretly feel happy that i saw them. or that they are there.

man. i'm pathetic.

i'm even more pathetic than when i was obsessing over you. at least you were flat out unreachable. 

but well, this one is unreachable too. not to mention taken.

fuck her. and him. 

him more than her.

if you know what i mean.

two hundred-fifty third.

dear (k)you,

SIGNS FUCKING SUCK.

i mean really! fuck it. i brought this unto myself. i'm miserable because these fucking signs are making me fucking miserable!

okay so here's the thing. remember the foreigner aka the dream boyfriend? (take note though that dream here doesn't mean that he's perfect. fuck he's not even close. he's a fucking douche, and let's face it, i'm attracted to fucking assholes like that). anyway, so him. well, my fantasy run with him has come to a staggering halt this weekend. and of course, since it's me, i am defo depressed. as in cigarette smoking depressed. 

and of course, i go to OAO, to pray as usual. not that i don't believe in the power of prayer. man, at this point, i think that's the only thing i have up my sleeve. so anyway, i pray and say my thing. ask OAO for a sign. any sign, that would tell me that things could EVER SO SLIGHTLY remain in fantasy land. 

so here's where it gets fucked up. i just effin realized, that i ALWAYS get the "positive" signs but they never pull through. and then BOOM i realized why!

it's because i FUCKING SEE ONLY THE SIGNS I WANT TO SEE. i mean HOW STUPID CAN I BE? how pathetic? how DESPERATE?? i know i always say "any sign, i will know that it is a sign when i see it"

FUCK OF COURSE I WILL KNOW! i dictate what the effin sign will mean! which will always be the "positive", and incidentally WILL ALWAYS be the "negative".

am i making sense? i mean, i always ask OAO for signs about these impossibilities in my life. i always ask for the "sign". and i always get the "sign" i want. 

but then i realize, everything is just in my head. its always just in my head. and i'm so tired of only having happiness in my head. fuck i'm one ride away from crazy town.

is it so bad to ask for more? to ask for the fairytale i always wanted? 

the sad part in all this is, even though i finally realize this, i will always end up still trying to believe. i will never stop believing in these things. because they give me hope. no matter how many times these sings have let me down, i am still willing to believe in them.

i guess cause it's the only thing i could actually hold on to. 

i should just become a zombie. like the one in the movie "warm bodies". 

you know, the zombie. 

i think his name is R.