two hundred-fifty third.

dear (k)you,

SIGNS FUCKING SUCK.

i mean really! fuck it. i brought this unto myself. i'm miserable because these fucking signs are making me fucking miserable!

okay so here's the thing. remember the foreigner aka the dream boyfriend? (take note though that dream here doesn't mean that he's perfect. fuck he's not even close. he's a fucking douche, and let's face it, i'm attracted to fucking assholes like that). anyway, so him. well, my fantasy run with him has come to a staggering halt this weekend. and of course, since it's me, i am defo depressed. as in cigarette smoking depressed. 

and of course, i go to OAO, to pray as usual. not that i don't believe in the power of prayer. man, at this point, i think that's the only thing i have up my sleeve. so anyway, i pray and say my thing. ask OAO for a sign. any sign, that would tell me that things could EVER SO SLIGHTLY remain in fantasy land. 

so here's where it gets fucked up. i just effin realized, that i ALWAYS get the "positive" signs but they never pull through. and then BOOM i realized why!

it's because i FUCKING SEE ONLY THE SIGNS I WANT TO SEE. i mean HOW STUPID CAN I BE? how pathetic? how DESPERATE?? i know i always say "any sign, i will know that it is a sign when i see it"

FUCK OF COURSE I WILL KNOW! i dictate what the effin sign will mean! which will always be the "positive", and incidentally WILL ALWAYS be the "negative".

am i making sense? i mean, i always ask OAO for signs about these impossibilities in my life. i always ask for the "sign". and i always get the "sign" i want. 

but then i realize, everything is just in my head. its always just in my head. and i'm so tired of only having happiness in my head. fuck i'm one ride away from crazy town.

is it so bad to ask for more? to ask for the fairytale i always wanted? 

the sad part in all this is, even though i finally realize this, i will always end up still trying to believe. i will never stop believing in these things. because they give me hope. no matter how many times these sings have let me down, i am still willing to believe in them.

i guess cause it's the only thing i could actually hold on to. 

i should just become a zombie. like the one in the movie "warm bodies". 

you know, the zombie. 

i think his name is R.