sixty-fifth.

dear (k)you,

my brother's status message says: "someday, i'll be there... i..."

there was something more, but it didn't register anymore. coz all i can think about is "someday, i'll be there... someday, i'll be there... someday, i'll be there..."

where there exactly is... well... you should know that place very well.

in other news... just a random thought. this made me cry, i don't know why exactly.

"that's what you never got. it takes and entire lifetime to write the words "and they lived happily ever after"."

sixty-fourth.

dear (k)you,

you know the type of weather i hate the most? it's when it's raining outside, but it's still so hot. i don't know. during the summer, people always like it when it rains, they say it gives them a break from the sun. but it's still the same temperature. i don't know, people just don't appreciate the sun like i do prolly. well, the way i see it, if the sun's there, at least you there's an excuse for the scorching heat.

kinda like you. as long as you're there, there's an excuse, a reason for me to remain crazy. coz you know, i'm scared of the day when you're no longer there, but i'm still like this. coz i'm naturally crazy, or you're that cool, or worst of all, i've just gotten used to it.

sixty-third.

dear (k)you,

i wonder what you're doing right now? hmm. i really don't know, i'm not really very good at time differences when it's around 5 hrs difference and right now, we are that. so i'm off again today to go out shopping with scary relation (refer to previous entry), we will now call her SR. she's been yapping about going to the mall for the past 3 days like some sort of broken record. so better get this over with anyway just to shut her up.

damn. i sound like some ungrateful girl right now. but i can't help it. i really can't live with someone like that for more than 2 days. really. aaah.

help.

sixty-second.

dear (k)you,

hi. it's been a long time. guess what? i'm overseas right now. it's been quite tiring lately, but more of psychological tiredness. i'm having a hard time. see, right now, i'm living with one relation. and honestly, it's driving me crazy. said relation is hovering over me and my brother for the past 5 days and it's not even funny anymore. not that it's bad, i mean, overseas relations do that right? but it's just that...

i'm selective homophobic. i mean. i'm scared of lesbians. but only if they're very extreme already. and see, said relation is one. so i was having jetlag and having a hard time sleeping. and i don't think she knew i was still awake and i heard her talking to her girlfriend -- in a very disturbing-for-a-homophobic-way. so i don't know how i can even be 2 meters close to her -- and we live in a damn small apartment! grr. this is so hard. so there. it's quite a relief that she has to work on weekdays, leaving me home with my brother. and this weekend, my mother is coming, so there are more people. so it'll get better.

come on, tell me it'll get better. anyway. i just realized, i'm farther from you right now. huh. sad but true. anyway. check back at you ^^

sixty-first.

dear (k)you,

so get this, i saw another shooting star today. can you believe that? i've seen 2 for this year already. and both my wised pertain to you. kekeke. but this is what's funny. see, i'm very much a believer of what you could call "fate" or "destiny" or "serendipity" or whatever and i make "deals" with OAO. mostly these are just to comfort myself. but get this, i made 3 deals in a matter of about 36 hours already.

okay first deal: yesterday, much like all days, it was scorching hot. no clouds in the sky to even cover the blazing sun for a moment. so in a spur of inspiration, i told OAO, if it rains within anytime (i think it was per day is one year before we meet again), we (you and me) are like destined. -- this is so hard to explain. but basically, it rained this morning. a day after. so i take it one year? hmm.

now, second deal: i'm supposed to leave for somewhere today, but on a chance flight. so in another spur of inspiration, i said to OAO that i won't compromise you for the flight. i mean, if we get on, no more you. if we don't get on, we will be together. and yeah, judging from the fact that i'm writing this now, i didn't get on the flight because there was a disruption in another flight.

and last deal: this isn't really a deal. i was just talking to OAO in my usual schizophrenic way, and suddenly this shooting star appears right in front of me. so there. i made a wish.

huh. OAO, if this is you giving me a sign, you know better than all that i believe these kinds of stuff. and man, you're making me crazy with all these.

sixtieth.

dear (k)you,

ha. since i'm still feeling mighty rebellious towards OAO and daddy dear (and to some extent you too), i have decided to still give in to my anorexic urges. hahahaha. i'm really going to regret this one day, but whatever, my life's a freaking wasteland already so bring it on.

i guess my only consolation is my alternate reality and the string of hope that i leave this wasteland after 3 years. and at this point. i really don't care where. just as long as it's not in this god forsaken place. i like that word (phrase?), god-forsaken. i remember that john mayer song, "it's my god-forsaken right to be loved" HA HA HA. it is right? but looks like OAO managed to disregard me yet again. psh. anyway, imma keep bugging him (insert evil laugh here).

oh. and i read somewhere, a crush of mine, who's a little like you, wrote in his social networking site (what the hell is with that, that's just either twitter or facebook, i mean who doesn't have one of those? ah. maybe you, coz you guys use a different site). anyway, he wrote, i think they were lyrics of some song: "you could've been number one, and you could've ruled the world, and we could've had so much fun, but you blew it away."

i feel like that's what i'm about to do. or maybe i've already done it? i don't know. i'd like to think the latter. why did i have to be stuck with this? i got tied down, if chose the former path, i could be on my way to wherever. but, maybe no. coz i wouldn't have this self-proclaimed moronic fangirlish claim over you if i had chosen that path.

oh how i wish i knew these things then. i wish i have a freaking hot tub time machine. or just a time machine. no maybe just a hot tub.

shit. what a freaking rant. and all i wanted to say is that i'm going to be rebellious and not eat again.

fifty-ninth.

dear (k)you,

so, how long has it been? kekeke. 4 days? and here i am acting like it's been 4 years. that's how much you get me messed up. so anyway. i'm starting to eat already. 3, albeit small, meals a day, but 3 nonetheless :) yeah, coz i promised myself, i'd stop this anorexic shit when you leave. but i don't know. i'm feeling a little rebellious lately, (YES I AM TALKING TO YOU OAO AND DADDY-O), i think i might revert back to it, until you know, something extraordinary happens (i am hoping against hope that it's got something to do about you and me getting together and not me collapsing in the middle of whatever).

so there. i'm still thinking about it though. i'll let you know tomorrow if i push through with this ;p coz yeah, i am so good at making freaking excuses already - especially for you.

fifty-eighth.

dear (k)you,

"this is wrong! you don't have the most incredible night of your life and then leave it up to chance do you?" -serendipity. which means, a fortunate accident.

... well yeah maybe. if it was one-sided.

fifty-seventh.

dear (k)you,

i've made up my mind
no need to think it over
if i'm wrong i ain't right
no need to look no further
this ain't lust
this is love but

if i tell the world
i'll never say enough
because it was not said to you
and that's exactly what i need to do
if i'm in love with you

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there?
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere?

i'd build myself up
and fly around in circles
wait then as my heart drops
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there?
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere?

that's all i really wanted to say (ask?) whatever...

fifthy-sixth.

dear (k)you,

i think i'm still going to spew nonsense, my heart still can't reconcile that i was within throwing range from you. you go home today, i guess you couldn't take the heat. kekeke.

but you know what, i can't get rid of the slight disappointment that i have right now. i mean, what the hell did i expect anyway? that you would take one look at me, fall in love and live happily ever after? yeah right. things like that do not happen. especially in our situation. and i have proven that you are good at what you do. yup. too professional. it hurts my heart a little though, coz i really wanted something extraordinary to happen. for you to see me just once. just so you know, someone who looks like me actually existed. or let you see this thing (coz you know, you will never see this). at least you'll have a miniscule idea of how i feel towards you.

so i guess this is until next time. we still have a long time to go. you and i are still young. and i can still prolly bug the heavens for a chance with you. i hope.

fifty-fifth. :)

dear (k)you,

after forever. i finally saw you already. i saw you. in the flesh. you were within i don't know, 7 feet away from me you know that. you didn't see me. i know that. a miracle didn't happen. it's not like i expected one anyway. actually i did. but well, it wouldn't happen anyway. but anyway. seeing you was a miracle already so yeah. it's okay. kekeke.

you were so great you know that? you were so hawt. i am spewing nonsense right now i know. but honestly. i had the best time of my life.

i just wish something happened you know. well something did. i had eye-eye contact with 2 of your friends. but not with you. you didn't see me i know coz i was looking at you the whole time. but still.

this. is. bliss.

you. were. great.

i. love. you.

and just for the record, since i'm feeling mighty cool today. okay imma give you a little clue on who you are:

sa. rang. hae.

fifty-fourth.

dear (k)you,

do you know that right now, you are within 4 kms from where i am? can you imagine that? you are within walking distance from where i am. i wanted to go there and i don't know, maybe stalk you or something, but that's weird. plus, i look like a chicken wrestled with me since i got my hair permed. but whatever. tomorrow i see you.

OH. MY. POOR. HEART. it beats only for

fifty-third.

dear (k)you,

i've never been really good with guilt tripping or with my conscience. and i hate myself for it. you know, for once, i've thought, "why the hell can i not be that thick-skinned" or "why the fuck do i always have to be so twistedly morally correct" or "why do i always think of others before myself". it's funny, coz i always try to pass myself as someone selfless, and then it comes across to other people as drama. i guess it's coz deep down, even if i try to be selfless, secretly, i want them to realize it. to find me pitiful and give me something i want so bad, that i'm almost going to go crazy thinking about it. yeah. i wanted something, but it's crazily expensive for it's worth. but i rally want it, for you. i've been thinking about it ever since 3 months ago. and i would have savd up enough for it, had i not bought something else. but anyway, i wanted to ask my mother money for it. and i know deep down she didn't want to give it to me, no actually she really didn't want to give it to me and she made it clear, but i couldn't help it. i guess my face just showed how much i wanted it and she started freaking out. like really freaking out that i was being difficult, so if i really wanted it go, whatever get the money from the drawer. but the thing is, she wasn't expecting it to be that expensive i guess. but then she asked me, "how much do you want it?" and i wanted to answer "100%". if i had just answered that, she would've given me the money i wanted. if i had just told her the truth of how much i wanted it, i would be on my way now to get it.

but no. i tried to give her hints that i was having a hard time thinking about it, but still in the end, i answered "no, it's okay". what hurts me is that this is the last day i could get it. i can't get it tomorrow, because there'd be no more time. and what hurts more is that she's even mad at me for being like this. i'm sorry i couldn't help the disappointment from my face, but didn't i do what she wanted? didn't i suck it up and obey? like i always do? it's funny coz it's so low. what i want is something so measly, but i really wanted to look my best tomorrow. even if i know it's crazy that you'd be able to see me.

but really, why is it so hard to obey? it hurts my heart so much.

fifty-second.

dear (k)you,

i'm going to bore you again with my grades. but promise! this is the last of it, at least for the remainder of summer. so i kinda know all my grades now. sorta. kekeke. and after 7 semesters, i finally meet my first 3. sucks i know, but well, all's fair in love and war. i know i really didn't do good so much in that. i am hoping though that it's just that. but i have this sinking feeling that i'm going to get another one. but well, i'm not one to complain, after all, i almost cried bucket fulls of tears for that. so there. in other subjects, it kinda made me feel better that i was top 2 in one of the subjects :) isn't that great ne? kekeke. for the first time, i actually made it to the uber top, well almost, and i'm one of the 4 who got well pretty good marks. so yeah. kinda compensates, but not really. but still, i'm happy at least that i passed. that's what i wanted in the first place now isn't it? kekeke. so there. i can finally rest my head and prepare for the next semester, where i probably will be seeing a lot of that 3. sucks, but well, 3's are better than 4's and 5's. i'd take them without hesitation any day.

anyway, sleep tight. exercise. eat (not like me, who by the way got a serious verbal beating coz i'm too skinny already - of course, in my family's standards). practice. fall in love with me -- OKAY KIDDING. BYE.

fifty-first.

dear (k)you,

first off, i'd like oyu to know that i get crazy sometimes and spew nonesense like "i'm so tried of this", "i don't like this", "i don't like you" (refer to below entry). but after all is said and done. you are still my escape from reality. with you, i can escape this shit hole where i am right now. this shit hole i will probably be satying in for the next three years. mark my words. three years. i am going to do my freaking best/worst/whatever-is-necessary just to graduate on time and leave this forsaken place.

in other news, how are you? i guess you're getting tired now? just a few more days (2 actually) and you'll be here. prepare for the extreem heat. it's no joke. kekeke. i really hope you see me when you come here. i really do. even just for a second. you know, just think "oh. who's that?" and then, i guess you'll forget about me already. but it's okay. just as long as you saw me. kekekeke. here i go with my wishful thinking again. anyway. what i really wanted to say is that...

i missed you. and sorry for going crazy.

fiftieth.

dear (k)you,

i think... i am finally tired of this. i've been writing false thoughts in my head, which now all seem so childish -- for the most part. you aren't going to see me come that day.

you aren't going to sing me my favorite song
you aren't going to profess your love
you aren't going to surprise me
you aren't going to fall in love

you aren't even going to know i was there.

i will be a drop in the ocean. your ocean -- where you are the big white cruise ship.

and i am pathetically that jellyfish swimming around you, without you knowing.