fifty-third.

dear (k)you,

i've never been really good with guilt tripping or with my conscience. and i hate myself for it. you know, for once, i've thought, "why the hell can i not be that thick-skinned" or "why the fuck do i always have to be so twistedly morally correct" or "why do i always think of others before myself". it's funny, coz i always try to pass myself as someone selfless, and then it comes across to other people as drama. i guess it's coz deep down, even if i try to be selfless, secretly, i want them to realize it. to find me pitiful and give me something i want so bad, that i'm almost going to go crazy thinking about it. yeah. i wanted something, but it's crazily expensive for it's worth. but i rally want it, for you. i've been thinking about it ever since 3 months ago. and i would have savd up enough for it, had i not bought something else. but anyway, i wanted to ask my mother money for it. and i know deep down she didn't want to give it to me, no actually she really didn't want to give it to me and she made it clear, but i couldn't help it. i guess my face just showed how much i wanted it and she started freaking out. like really freaking out that i was being difficult, so if i really wanted it go, whatever get the money from the drawer. but the thing is, she wasn't expecting it to be that expensive i guess. but then she asked me, "how much do you want it?" and i wanted to answer "100%". if i had just answered that, she would've given me the money i wanted. if i had just told her the truth of how much i wanted it, i would be on my way now to get it.

but no. i tried to give her hints that i was having a hard time thinking about it, but still in the end, i answered "no, it's okay". what hurts me is that this is the last day i could get it. i can't get it tomorrow, because there'd be no more time. and what hurts more is that she's even mad at me for being like this. i'm sorry i couldn't help the disappointment from my face, but didn't i do what she wanted? didn't i suck it up and obey? like i always do? it's funny coz it's so low. what i want is something so measly, but i really wanted to look my best tomorrow. even if i know it's crazy that you'd be able to see me.

but really, why is it so hard to obey? it hurts my heart so much.