two hundred-thirty eighth.

dear (k)you,

well it seems that i haven't written to you about the latest thing that happened to me. since, as this person said, when things go wrong, they go REALLY wrong, unbelieveably coordinated me got into the stupidiest accident a week ago, and until now, my ankle is freaking BIG. i mean, it is HUGE -- and not to mention BLACK. it's freaking BIG and BLACK. it gives a whole new definition to elephantiasis. 

but anyway, it's slowly healing day by day, so no worries. the thing that's bothering me is the fucking little boy. AGAIN.

so here's the thing, he takes pride in the fact that he's like the smartest person in our batch. i don't give a shit, i'm happy for him. so naturally, when there's an upcoming contest/quizbee, he's the natural contestant. so this stupid quiz bee thing requires 3 people to be on the team. there's a single slot remaining and there are no other people to take it. so the little boy was like asking who would the third person be, and my friend suggested me. which is really sweet of her, i mean, i may not be the smartest person, but hey, i'm not the dumbest. 

BUT! the little boy answered something along the lines of, "oh can it be another person, she doesn't look smart" I MEAN FORREAL? REALLY? YOU SAY THAT?

MOTHERFUCKING --

okay i'm calm now. he's just so freaking FULL OF HIMSELF. he needs a good humbling experience. ASS.

two hundred-thirty seventh.

dear (k)you,

so, i don't know if i've written about this already, but if i have, i'll write again. i'm on bed-rest right now, so basically, there's nothing better to do. i've been caught up with all this les miserables hype ever since i've watched that 10th year anniversary video with my dad way way way back. and i know it's a freaking boring musical/play, but man! it still gets to you, after all these years. so, again, i was listening to one of my favorite songs, and basically, wallowing in the idea that it sums up my life. well, more or less.

so it goes:

i had a dream my life would be
so different from this hell i'm living
so different now from what it seemed
now (insert here a 4-letter word also to replace life) has killed the dream i dreamed.

because no matter how i look at it. this really isn't the life i dreamed. it's hell. i just wish it could be over already. or maybe better? i don't know.

a boyfriend seems to be out of the picture. no guy, i just found out, can actually stomach to be with me, since i'm too... me.

fuck.

two hundred-thirty sixth.

dear (k)you,

frankly, i don't know what i am going to write about today. i just thought i should. 

it's school time again, which means, the little boy will start bothering me again. but i really meant it when i said i do not want to be bothered by him anymore. that i am over him. 

i think my whole fascination with him is that, basically, he's the only choice. he's pretty much the only guy who makes it to my standards. standards, which i may add, aren't really that high anyway. there are lots of guys out there who are far better than him. i just need to find them.

but i need to find them fast. because i can't keep hurting myself because of him. he's not worth that.

i'm worth more than him.

i just wish he'd know that. i wish i could show him to his face that i have moved on. because he's so full of himself. 

two hundred-thirty fifth.

dear (k)you,

i've always thought that i was damn crazy for having this anonymous blog thing up and going for almost 3 years now, and then i realized, no, i'm not. apparently, it's pop culture. guess i wasn't THAT weird after all. 

but i will still keep it under the wraps. no names and shit.

anyway. i was having fail lunch with my family earlier and suddenly this real old song that has been playing on my ipod came on, and after hundreds of times listening to it, i finally realized something.

it was someone's song for me. well technically not yet, since i don't have a someone, but... theoretically, WHEN i do have someone. i want that to be his song for me. it goes:

build up your confidence, so you can be on top for once
(coming from the girl with zero confidence. did i mention that my baby brother has a girlfriend already! which means my baby brother and my baby sister both have someone to lean on to and bring to family gatherings, while i'm stuck being the BITTER ELDER SISTER who's forever a fifth wheel. fuck.)
wake up! who cares about a little boy that talks too much?
(a little boy that talks too much. need i say more? who cares about him indeed?)
i've seen it all go down, the game of love was all rained out
so come on baby, come on over let me be the one to hold you
i'm the one who wants to be with you
deep inside i hope you feel it too
waiting on the line of greens and blues
just to be the next to be with you 

and so it goes.

right. i think i've reached an all time low. this is even sadder than something really sad.

i'll be turning a corner soon, and nobody still likes me. i've had someone like me, but he turned away. i've had someone i like, but he's turning away.

everybody's turning away.

sometimes i wish someone does read this, and he/she could tell me that i'm not as crazy as i think. even just to make me feel better about myself.

sometimes i wish you could see this. but we both know you can't. ever.

:(

two hundred-thirty fourth.

dear (k)you,

sometimes i really wonder how long i will keep doing this.

hmm.

two hundred-thirty third.

dear (k)you,

seriously. my patience and understanding is this | much already. i cannot keep putting the blame on me, as much as you cannot keep blaming me either.

bitch.

two hundred-thirty second.

dear (k)you,

i know i said i would stop writing about the little boy, but it's kind of hard, given the situation. anyway, this is just one of the songs that seem to remind me of him. i'm gonna translate it of course, just so we're all on even ground.

i'd like him to know
that i loved
it's my only dream
i want to say it
but i don't know where to start
so if you see each other
please tell him
please tell him that i love him
doesn't matter if he loves someone else
please tell him not to worry
i'm not hoping for more
i know it can't be
i can't change what is
but still, please tell him
i hope he finds out
that i am also happy
even if my heart is hurting
i can't think of any easier way
so if you see each other
please tell him
please tell him that i love him
doesn't matter if he loves someone else
please tell him not to worry
i'm not hoping for more
i know it can't be
i can't change what is
but still, please tell him
i am in love
he is always in my heart
please tell him, is it okay?
please tell him that i love him
doesn't matter if he loves someone else
please tell him not to worry
i'm not hoping for more
i know it can't be
i can't change what is
but still, please tell him
please tell him that i love him

...well love is such a strong word. but then again, it's the whole thought anyway. sigh.

two hundred-thirty first.

dear (k)you,

here's to the first day of MY year. yes i am claiming it. 2013 will be MY year. how exactly, i don't know yet, but it will.

ps: i will be spending tonight with "you", so that whole year round, i will be with you.

raise your glass, CHEERS!