dear (k)you,
why do i always let myself hope? motherfucking stupid of me anyway to bring up the fucking ex.
things were going nicely. then i had to pull a classic on him. then boom! something that had nothing to start with is now back to negative.
fuuuuck. and things were going sooo well. now i have to start from scratch again.
because he gonna forget everything. cuz in the end, he's a player and i got played.
as usual.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
two hundred-fifty first.
dear (k)you,
hold up. i am in a sort of ghetto mood right now. and i be seeing his face. and its all things at once. fucked up.
seriously? bitch i be mother fucking crazy.
right then. somehow, writing that line made me feel calmer.
but i'm not.
i tend to overthink things. but i think at this point, it finally sort of paid of. because now i realized what the hell is friggin wrong with me. and why i can't make anything last.
its because i always want more. and i do all i can to try and get more that i eventually be mother fucking craaazy.
i mean, for example, i meet a guy. and he's up to scratch with my mother fucking standards, and then BOOM! i be mother fucking wanting more. like just like that he's gonna love me at first sight.
and so i try desperately to make "more" happen, that i eventually scare the fucking guy away, or over think things much to the point of making me miss my chance, or be unbelievably desperate as to give the wrong impression, or a combination of all. and the bottom line is that i always end up getting hurt.
I BE MOTHER FUCKING GETTING HURT.
SHIT.
my timing is always off.
ps: but up to date, there have only been 2 people who were up to scratch with my standards. one was scared off, the other was given the wrong idea of me. and both, one more than the other, hurt my fucking ego and buried me deeper into this shit hole i built my self.
coz in the end, i think i be the one who refuses to get out of this hole. i be the one who cuts the ladder and digs instead.
hold up. i am in a sort of ghetto mood right now. and i be seeing his face. and its all things at once. fucked up.
seriously? bitch i be mother fucking crazy.
right then. somehow, writing that line made me feel calmer.
but i'm not.
i tend to overthink things. but i think at this point, it finally sort of paid of. because now i realized what the hell is friggin wrong with me. and why i can't make anything last.
its because i always want more. and i do all i can to try and get more that i eventually be mother fucking craaazy.
i mean, for example, i meet a guy. and he's up to scratch with my mother fucking standards, and then BOOM! i be mother fucking wanting more. like just like that he's gonna love me at first sight.
and so i try desperately to make "more" happen, that i eventually scare the fucking guy away, or over think things much to the point of making me miss my chance, or be unbelievably desperate as to give the wrong impression, or a combination of all. and the bottom line is that i always end up getting hurt.
I BE MOTHER FUCKING GETTING HURT.
SHIT.
my timing is always off.
ps: but up to date, there have only been 2 people who were up to scratch with my standards. one was scared off, the other was given the wrong idea of me. and both, one more than the other, hurt my fucking ego and buried me deeper into this shit hole i built my self.
coz in the end, i think i be the one who refuses to get out of this hole. i be the one who cuts the ladder and digs instead.
Monday, June 3, 2013
two hundred-fiftieth.
dear (k)you,
okay. right now, i am eating the unhealthiest post work out meal ever. instant noodles and a big ass glass of coke.
i don't know yet what i want to write about. i just now that i have to write about something.
it's about the foreigner. okay. i think i'm overly attached to him again. i put in so much hope in him that i'm being stupid. and i want to stop.
granted, yes, i still want him to be my miracle man. but i'd like to stop hoping for it. if it will be him, i'd like it to be a nice surprise instead. i want to move on in my life.
i want to stop looking at his posts and hoping against hope that he talks to me, or looks or sees my posts. because i'm pretty sure i'm just a face or a name.
i don't even think he remembers me anymore.
what a wasted opportunity again.
i'm bound to hit jackpot one of these days.
but, while i'd like it to be him, i'd like my heart to stop wishing so much. please.
okay. right now, i am eating the unhealthiest post work out meal ever. instant noodles and a big ass glass of coke.
i don't know yet what i want to write about. i just now that i have to write about something.
it's about the foreigner. okay. i think i'm overly attached to him again. i put in so much hope in him that i'm being stupid. and i want to stop.
granted, yes, i still want him to be my miracle man. but i'd like to stop hoping for it. if it will be him, i'd like it to be a nice surprise instead. i want to move on in my life.
i want to stop looking at his posts and hoping against hope that he talks to me, or looks or sees my posts. because i'm pretty sure i'm just a face or a name.
i don't even think he remembers me anymore.
what a wasted opportunity again.
i'm bound to hit jackpot one of these days.
but, while i'd like it to be him, i'd like my heart to stop wishing so much. please.
two hundred-forty ninth.
dear (k)you,
i just thought it might be fun to "list" down the men who tried, are trying, might try and i want to try to be part of my life -- and why things are fucked up.
the asshole: well, out of all these guys, he was the closest i would have said yes to. he did things by the book. and it was almost enough for me to close my eyes and say yes. but like i said, almost. i was ready to look past his face. he had a nice body. he was rich enough to keep me happy. nice alma mater, nice job, okay friends. but then he had to pull that stunt. all of a sudden he had to make up this delusion that i put him in the friendzone and stop courting me. and it sucks to admit it, but i missed his attention. and i was more irritated with myself because i was more affected than i was supposed to. and i became unhealthily clingy. but he's water under the bridge now. he got the nickname asshole so, that's enough.
the little boy: i could go on and on with this guy, but it just wouldn't be worth it. so i've known him 6 years. i think the lack of events in my life forced my to like him. and eventually, i convinced myself that he could be it. but of course, he wasn't. he's a jerk. and, as my friends said, i definitely lowered my standards for him. period. he's prolly the least worthy of attention i gave him in this bunch. so glad i'm finally over him. he's also one of the major reasons i am in such a deep hole of self loathing.
the new friend: this was short lived. i knew from the start that no matter what happened, i wouldn't like him. call it superficial, but my standards matter to me. and he had one of the no go areas. believe me, he's cute enough, cuter than the asshole for that matter. but i just couldn't. so eventually, he just faded away. made me sad that he gave up easily, but then again, i'd just be torturing the guy if i kept it longer.
the doctor: now, this was a surprise. i would be ready to look past the receding hairline, but his history with one of my closest friends is a red flag. and the fact that he prolly knows how close we were and still he continues to do this kind of shit is an even bigger red flag. so no. but that aside, and all things considered, he would be really good. looks okay. alma mater very okay. money enough to keep me happy. brains definitely. but yeah.
the old friend: again, same as the doctor, i would be ready to look past the dark skin color, but the history is a no go. and the fact that we've been friends for such a long time has put him in the friendzone for me. and i think in a way, i am in his also. we're prolly in that blurred transition zone for others, but i think in the end, we're just really good friends who are comfortable with each other.
the douchebag: ugh. need i say more? he's the "too handsome for me" guy. and he fucking knows it. i hate myself for actually hoping that things would maybe work out with this one. he's a definite red flag from the start.
the foreigner: ah. now this one. all logic points to no. he was my one night stand. he's now gone back to where ever. he doesn't see me as more than a one night stand either. but i liked him. i like how he's very in love with this hell. and i like that he's family rooted. and he's cute. and sexy. and prolly smart. and prolly rich. and such a badass. he's a fantasy boyfriend. and he's the only one in this list that is under the category "i want to try to be part of my life". and i could go on all day obsessing and stalking him, but i'll prolly end up hurting myself. and again, if there's one person who i'd like to magically like me or think of me randomly and remember me, it's him. so OAO, i know i made all this fuss about not hoping anymore, but when it comes to him, i think i'd like to hope.
the blind date: this one is just to make the list longer and less pathetic.
they're not much. heh. thought it would be fun. turns out it just made me feel worse.
fuck it.
i just thought it might be fun to "list" down the men who tried, are trying, might try and i want to try to be part of my life -- and why things are fucked up.
the asshole: well, out of all these guys, he was the closest i would have said yes to. he did things by the book. and it was almost enough for me to close my eyes and say yes. but like i said, almost. i was ready to look past his face. he had a nice body. he was rich enough to keep me happy. nice alma mater, nice job, okay friends. but then he had to pull that stunt. all of a sudden he had to make up this delusion that i put him in the friendzone and stop courting me. and it sucks to admit it, but i missed his attention. and i was more irritated with myself because i was more affected than i was supposed to. and i became unhealthily clingy. but he's water under the bridge now. he got the nickname asshole so, that's enough.
the little boy: i could go on and on with this guy, but it just wouldn't be worth it. so i've known him 6 years. i think the lack of events in my life forced my to like him. and eventually, i convinced myself that he could be it. but of course, he wasn't. he's a jerk. and, as my friends said, i definitely lowered my standards for him. period. he's prolly the least worthy of attention i gave him in this bunch. so glad i'm finally over him. he's also one of the major reasons i am in such a deep hole of self loathing.
the new friend: this was short lived. i knew from the start that no matter what happened, i wouldn't like him. call it superficial, but my standards matter to me. and he had one of the no go areas. believe me, he's cute enough, cuter than the asshole for that matter. but i just couldn't. so eventually, he just faded away. made me sad that he gave up easily, but then again, i'd just be torturing the guy if i kept it longer.
the doctor: now, this was a surprise. i would be ready to look past the receding hairline, but his history with one of my closest friends is a red flag. and the fact that he prolly knows how close we were and still he continues to do this kind of shit is an even bigger red flag. so no. but that aside, and all things considered, he would be really good. looks okay. alma mater very okay. money enough to keep me happy. brains definitely. but yeah.
the old friend: again, same as the doctor, i would be ready to look past the dark skin color, but the history is a no go. and the fact that we've been friends for such a long time has put him in the friendzone for me. and i think in a way, i am in his also. we're prolly in that blurred transition zone for others, but i think in the end, we're just really good friends who are comfortable with each other.
the douchebag: ugh. need i say more? he's the "too handsome for me" guy. and he fucking knows it. i hate myself for actually hoping that things would maybe work out with this one. he's a definite red flag from the start.
the foreigner: ah. now this one. all logic points to no. he was my one night stand. he's now gone back to where ever. he doesn't see me as more than a one night stand either. but i liked him. i like how he's very in love with this hell. and i like that he's family rooted. and he's cute. and sexy. and prolly smart. and prolly rich. and such a badass. he's a fantasy boyfriend. and he's the only one in this list that is under the category "i want to try to be part of my life". and i could go on all day obsessing and stalking him, but i'll prolly end up hurting myself. and again, if there's one person who i'd like to magically like me or think of me randomly and remember me, it's him. so OAO, i know i made all this fuss about not hoping anymore, but when it comes to him, i think i'd like to hope.
the blind date: this one is just to make the list longer and less pathetic.
they're not much. heh. thought it would be fun. turns out it just made me feel worse.
fuck it.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
two hundred-forty eighth.
dear (k)you,
before anything else, i know i prolly misspelled the title, and i would misspell a lot of the words here. but since i'm drunk, and feeling sad, this should be the best time to admit all my faults.
so 1) i'm no longer a v. haha i've spent a lot of time preserving that fucking letter. i even sacrificed a one year relationship to keep it. and in the end, i gave it up to a one night stand.
and the saddest part, is that after all is said and done, deep deep inside of my heart, i hoped. yes, i hoped that this could be more.
you could blame it on all the movies, all the novels, all the stories i've seen. but in the end, it's safe to say i'm deluding myself that this could be anything more. because its not. in the end, it was a one night stand.
i could hope all i want, but i'll just keep getting burnt.
:(
before anything else, i know i prolly misspelled the title, and i would misspell a lot of the words here. but since i'm drunk, and feeling sad, this should be the best time to admit all my faults.
so 1) i'm no longer a v. haha i've spent a lot of time preserving that fucking letter. i even sacrificed a one year relationship to keep it. and in the end, i gave it up to a one night stand.
and the saddest part, is that after all is said and done, deep deep inside of my heart, i hoped. yes, i hoped that this could be more.
you could blame it on all the movies, all the novels, all the stories i've seen. but in the end, it's safe to say i'm deluding myself that this could be anything more. because its not. in the end, it was a one night stand.
i could hope all i want, but i'll just keep getting burnt.
:(
Saturday, June 1, 2013
two hundred-forty seventh.
dear (k)you,
i have a new hatest word. as per my previous entries, you would know that said word is: HOPE.
yes. as of right know, i have decided that i hate that word. i do not want to have anything to do with it.
i know, i know, stupid. since it would prolly be hope that would help me get out of the hell hole i will be entering again next week. so fine, let me rephrase.
i do not want to hope when it comes to matters of the heart. there. as of right know, the love life i am so hoping for to come. the inspiration i was hoping for to help me get across the next few months. the inspiration i was hoping for to help me get through life. they are now officially gone.
i will not let hope "control" me again. fuck. i mean. really. fuck.
hope is a bitch.
i have a new hatest word. as per my previous entries, you would know that said word is: HOPE.
yes. as of right know, i have decided that i hate that word. i do not want to have anything to do with it.
i know, i know, stupid. since it would prolly be hope that would help me get out of the hell hole i will be entering again next week. so fine, let me rephrase.
i do not want to hope when it comes to matters of the heart. there. as of right know, the love life i am so hoping for to come. the inspiration i was hoping for to help me get across the next few months. the inspiration i was hoping for to help me get through life. they are now officially gone.
i will not let hope "control" me again. fuck. i mean. really. fuck.
hope is a bitch.
two hundred-forty sixth.
dear (k)you,
i just have to say this once. just to let it all out.
WHY THE HELL DO I ALWAYS HAVE THIS FUCKING URGE TO REPLY??
REALLY WHY???
i don't know what the hell is wrong with me because i ALWAYS. AND I MEAN LITERALLY ALWAYS. get burned(t?) after.
see i always have nonsense conversations with guys, and it's a miracle they even reply to me. and when they do, my pathetic heart gives in and i feel happy and i fell that fucking hope well inside me like some fucking helium-sucking balloon.
and right when i've already been given the upper hand, I ALWAYS FEEL THE URGE TO REPLY BACK. to give them back the upper hand.
and when they don't reply back, i feel all that hope welled up fly out. and i'm left like an old battered whoopie cushion.
it sucks. i swear. i hate being hopeful. I AM SO TIRED OF HOPING. i just want to give up.
i wish i could just turn off my emotions like a switch. life would be a lot more fun if that were the case.
because yeah, i will admit it. just this once. i hoped this would go somewhere. i dared to hope that this could be it. or a semblance of it.
but i guess not.
and just like that...
i just have to say this once. just to let it all out.
WHY THE HELL DO I ALWAYS HAVE THIS FUCKING URGE TO REPLY??
REALLY WHY???
i don't know what the hell is wrong with me because i ALWAYS. AND I MEAN LITERALLY ALWAYS. get burned(t?) after.
see i always have nonsense conversations with guys, and it's a miracle they even reply to me. and when they do, my pathetic heart gives in and i feel happy and i fell that fucking hope well inside me like some fucking helium-sucking balloon.
and right when i've already been given the upper hand, I ALWAYS FEEL THE URGE TO REPLY BACK. to give them back the upper hand.
and when they don't reply back, i feel all that hope welled up fly out. and i'm left like an old battered whoopie cushion.
it sucks. i swear. i hate being hopeful. I AM SO TIRED OF HOPING. i just want to give up.
i wish i could just turn off my emotions like a switch. life would be a lot more fun if that were the case.
because yeah, i will admit it. just this once. i hoped this would go somewhere. i dared to hope that this could be it. or a semblance of it.
but i guess not.
and just like that...
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