two hundred-fifty first.

dear (k)you,

hold up. i am in a sort of ghetto mood right now. and i be seeing his face. and its all things at once. fucked up.
 
seriously? bitch i be mother fucking crazy.

right then. somehow, writing that line made me feel calmer.

but i'm not.

i tend to overthink things. but i think at this point, it finally sort of paid of. because now i realized what the hell is friggin wrong with me. and why i can't make anything last.

its because i always want more. and i do all i can to try and get more that i eventually be mother fucking craaazy.

i mean, for example, i meet a guy. and he's up to scratch with my mother fucking standards, and then BOOM! i be mother fucking wanting more. like just like that he's gonna love me at first sight. 

and so i try desperately to make "more" happen, that i eventually scare the fucking guy away, or over think things much to the point of making me miss my chance, or be unbelievably desperate as to give the wrong impression, or a combination of all. and the bottom line is that i always end up getting hurt. 

I BE MOTHER FUCKING GETTING HURT.

SHIT.

my timing is always off.

ps: but up to date, there have only been 2 people who were up to scratch with my standards. one was scared off, the other was given the wrong idea of me. and both, one more than the other, hurt my fucking ego and buried me deeper into this shit hole i built my self.

coz in the end, i think i be the one who refuses to get out of this hole. i be the one who cuts the ladder and digs instead.