two hundred-forty ninth.

dear (k)you,

i just thought it might be fun to "list" down the men who tried, are trying, might try and i want to try to be part of my life -- and why things are fucked up.

the asshole: well, out of all these guys, he was the closest i would have said yes to. he did things by the book. and it was almost enough for me to close my eyes and say yes. but like i said, almost. i was ready to look past his face. he had a nice body. he was rich enough to keep me happy. nice alma mater, nice job, okay friends. but then he had to pull that stunt. all of a sudden he had to make up this delusion that i put him in the friendzone and stop courting me. and it sucks to admit it, but i missed his attention. and i was more irritated with myself because i was more affected than i was supposed to. and i became unhealthily clingy. but he's water under the bridge now. he got the nickname asshole so, that's enough.

the little boy: i could go on and on with this guy, but it just wouldn't be worth it. so i've known him 6 years. i think the lack of events in my life forced my to like him. and eventually, i convinced myself that he could be it. but of course, he wasn't. he's a jerk. and, as my friends said, i definitely lowered my standards for him. period. he's prolly the least worthy of attention i gave him in this bunch. so glad i'm finally over him. he's also one of the major reasons i am in such a deep hole of self loathing.

the new friend: this was short lived. i knew from the start that no matter what happened, i wouldn't like him. call it superficial, but my standards matter to me. and he had one of the no go areas. believe me, he's cute enough, cuter than the asshole for that matter. but i just couldn't. so eventually, he just faded away. made me sad that he gave up easily, but then again, i'd just be torturing the guy if i kept it longer.

the doctor: now, this was a surprise. i would be ready to look past the receding hairline, but his history with one of my closest friends is a red flag. and the fact that he prolly knows how close we were and still he continues to do this kind of shit is an even bigger red flag. so no. but that aside, and all things considered, he would be really good. looks okay. alma mater very okay. money enough to keep me happy. brains definitely. but yeah.

the old friend: again, same as the doctor, i would be ready to look past the dark skin color, but the history is a no go. and the fact that we've been friends for such a long time has put him in the friendzone for me. and i think in a way, i am in his also. we're prolly in that blurred transition zone for others, but i think in the end, we're just really good friends who are comfortable with each other.

the douchebag: ugh. need i say more? he's the "too handsome for me" guy. and he fucking knows it. i hate myself for actually hoping that things would maybe work out with this one. he's a definite red flag from the start.

the foreigner: ah. now this one. all logic points to no. he was my one night stand. he's now gone back to where ever. he doesn't see me as more than a one night stand either. but i liked him. i like how he's very in love with this hell. and i like that he's family rooted. and he's cute. and sexy. and prolly smart. and prolly rich. and such a badass. he's a fantasy boyfriend. and he's the only one in this list that is under the category "i want to try to be part of my life". and i could go on all day obsessing and stalking him, but i'll prolly end up hurting myself. and again, if there's one person who i'd like to magically like me or think of me randomly and remember me, it's him. so OAO, i know i made all this fuss about not hoping anymore, but when it comes to him, i think i'd like to hope.

the blind date: this one is just to make the list longer and less pathetic.

they're not much. heh. thought it would be fun. turns out it just made me feel worse.

fuck it.