two hundred-seventy first.

dear (k)you,

referring to the previous post, and because it's me, i have made a somewhat dramatic thing about the whole douchebag issue. listed some of the things i liked about him, while cursing OAO and the universe, begging those two entities to let me forget about him.

but of course, i had to do something stupid. i dunno if i ever mentioned it, but i was finally able to wheedle out the douchebag's contact details from the old friend. at the time of wheedling, i wasn't maybe thinking straight and i really had no intention of texting him ever! i ended up staring at the goddamn number, allowing me to memorize it. pft. anyway, as said, i wasn't going to do anything about the newly gained information. for several reasons:

1. how the hell am i supposed to start the conversation anyway?

2. as i have mentioned to the old friend, when he so callously asked me if i had texted the douchebag already and told me why the hell did i ask for it anyway, hard as it may seem, i am still a girl, an i don't want to come across as totally aggressive.

3. the douchebag being who he is, prolly knows a lot of girls like him. and doing so would just give him the confirmation that i do like him, and i am like all those girls lined up, waiting for him. (insert me mumbling "asshole")

4. it's me. i am BOUND to mess it up.

with said reasons. i was content on really just forgetting about it. but of course, i had to start talking to my friend, who, let's just make it short, was able to force? convince? me to go to the dark side. and because i was curious.

long story short, i ended up texting him tuesday night. i don't want to go into details about how it started, and how it went.

to sum it all up, he was nice enough to reply. very passive, but enthusiastic. my friend said he could be warming up. (YES FUCK IT, I TOLD MY FRIEND ABOUT IT. I WAS SPILLING EVERY DETAIL LIKE I AM FUCKING 16 YEARS OLD) anyway, come thursday morning, i was starting to get elated and giddy. his replies were starting to get longer, and well. i dunno. it's been a long time since i've had a conversation like this, i don't even know what to make of it. but then POOF. he just didn't reply anymore. in the middle of a conversation. he just stopped.

so you can imagine all sorts of thoughts running through my brain right now. it's not fucking overdrive, and i'm tired. i mean, i want to tell myself, and shout at myself, that what the fuck? a few text messages doesn't mean he likes you! don't be stupid, the fact that he didn't reply means he doesn't like you! the fact that you were forgettable means DUH he doesn't like you.

i hate myself for letting me think that he COULD like me. HE DOESN'T LIKE ME (of course me writing these things, there is that small spark of hope, wishing that i could be dead wrong) but no. i want to squash it away. in his words, i just needed to satisfy my curiosity. this ends now.

but before that, maybe i want to add a few things to the list on the previous post:

1. homebody. i don't know if i would believe this really. but according to him, since he wakes up freakishly early in the morning to "exercise" and waste away at work the rest of the day. he gets tired and goes home and sleeps early. and goes out only on weekends. i highly suspect, but well, for a recluse like me, i was surprised and, it made me smile.

2. game of thrones. okay. so i am not a fan of the show. fucking story makes me fall asleep in 3, 2, 1. it's more of the fact that it surprised me that he watched it. i always thought he was shallow. guess not that much.

3. the excessive? use of :), :)), and !!. maybe it's all part of his plan to seduce and humor girls. but fuck him. it worked.

so there. maybe i should stop with this. 

why the fuck did he have to put his arms around me that night? why the fuck did he have to reply and humor me like this? why couldn't he just be the douchebag i know he is and just not reply? why did i allow myself to hope?

fuck hope.

two hundred-seventieth.

dear (k)you,

as mentioned in the previous post, the douchebag has been in my head for the time being. a year or so ago, this has happened. we met, i was taken, i tried, got dumped, felt heartbroken, told that he was too handsome for me and basically went down a notch on my self-esteem ladder. i might need to add that during this whole process, we only met once, amidst a group of people who were drunk (and i think we were also drunk ourselves). so yeah, it's a movie -- in my head.

so okay, school happened, clinics and all that shit i went through, managed to get him off my mind finally. of course there were the sporadic thoughts, but none enough to fuel anything. i mean yknow, once people tell you that you're not really his type and he's too pretty for you, you kinda get the idea. not to mention he doesn't remember you.

and fast forward to now. a few months back (YES FUCKING MONTHS), i had a few drinks with some friends, and he happened to be there. yes. again. and somehow he managed to rouse up all these stupid feelings i have been imagining. YES. I AM GOING TO START REFERRING TO THEM AS MY IMAGINATION, BECAUSE REALLY, WHAT ARE THEY? the things i saw that night were not enough to make me fall in love, but they were not even close to making me hate him either. there were so many things about him that i like in a guy. and i'm not just saying this because i was dictating my brain to like him. i mean, there were genuine things that i liked:

1. tattoo. i generally like people with tattoos. i mean, i don't like it when people look down on others when they find out that they have tattoos. and the fact that he's got a pretty big one on his left arm, i think it's safe to assume he's not a tatto snob.

2. height. duh. i like tall guys. period.

3. earrings. this is a really gray area, because i don't like piercings in general. not to facial metal. but ears are okay. and i hadn't realized he had them up until he sat beside me. okay so i hate the big round black ones. and the big stretchy kind. i think they're dirty (yeah, coming from someone who likes tattooed bodies) and weird. but then there's that kind, that when done perfectly, makes a guy look classy (yeah, fucking deal with the word) and sexy. and he had a perfect pair on. it took me by surprise. he looked even hotter than he already was. plus the fact that they matched mine.

4. freckles. i hadn't realized i found them hot, until, yes he sat beside me. i generally like guys with perfect skin. uhm, duh, you. but he had a drunk look, and his face was all red and freckly. and it made it look nice. like he's not really that perfect guy they said he was. like he wasn't really that handsome that he couldn't level off with me.

5. voice. he has an ugly voice i think. but one that i cannot help not hearing now. the last time i saw him, i couldn't remember his voice. but now, i keep hearing it.

6. shoes. his shoes had laces on them. and i think they were nice. not the loafer kind, or the sneaker kind, or the boat shoes kind. they were the long, kinda pointy dress shoes with laces. and it was nice. the fact that i ended up putting his shoes on him lowered my level by 5 notches, but what the hell. i got to see his shoes that night.

i am hoping that by writing these things i get to let it all out and it's going to help get rid of him here. but well in reality, this post is going on full rage hate on myself, because i really want to get over him. not to think about him anymore. i am back where i was a year ago. and i don't like it. i may have liked it before, but i don't now. i think this is taking me lower than i ever was when i was dealing with the little boy. and that's saying something. the little boy was the poster child for my rock bottom self esteem.

i am going to forget and stop thinking about him already. i may start imagining things again, but there would be a conscious effort not to hope anymore. i think that's what OAO wants anyway. i need to stop making him the star of my fucking fantasies.

because like i said before, if he wanted something to happen. anything, there would have been so many opportunities already. but it seems like he's living his life as he was before i ever came into the picture. and he's going to be okay when i get out of it. like i ever was part. 

so i'm just going to humor you with one last phrase that has maybe kept me going on for so long than it was necessary.

"... and your arm felt nice wrapped around my shoulder. and i had a feeling that i belonged." 

bye, m.

two hundred-sixty ninth.

dear (k)you,

i've been trying to get the douchebag out of my head for quite sometime now. and i think my stupid heart doesn't want to. so i think writing to you would help, actually i think it will put an end to it already.

i don't even know why i hang on to him so much. there wasn't a connection. i know i made it all up in my head. in my desperate attempt to get out of this rut i've put myself in, i have resorted to making things up in my head. and i hate myself for using the douchebag as the star of this so called fantasy.

OAO, I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT HIM ANYMORE. REALLY. I DON'T WANT TO FILL MY HEAD and heart WITH SILLY THOUGHTS. BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WON'T ALLOW IT. 

yes. this time, i know you won't allow it. it's just not how things work. because it's me.

but since i'm already letting things out, let me just say that there's also this little part of me that would like to ask you nicely, if maybe, you could pull some strings and throw cupid in our paths. it worked once. maybe, you know, you could make it work again. i think i'm a nice enough person to deserve love already.

just saying. putting it out there finally. and letting it stay there.

and to the douchebag, i'd just like to say, since you've been bugging me, and this song's been on constant repeat ever since i heard it...

"you light up the room. and you won't even know. it's all i can do, to leave you alone... oh, my darling to know you know me, it's enough."

and to me, "i loathe you"

and to (k)you, thank you for putting up with me.