dear (k)you,
referring to the previous post, and because it's me, i have made a somewhat dramatic thing about the whole douchebag issue. listed some of the things i liked about him, while cursing OAO and the universe, begging those two entities to let me forget about him.
but of course, i had to do something stupid. i dunno if i ever mentioned it, but i was finally able to wheedle out the douchebag's contact details from the old friend. at the time of wheedling, i wasn't maybe thinking straight and i really had no intention of texting him ever! i ended up staring at the goddamn number, allowing me to memorize it. pft. anyway, as said, i wasn't going to do anything about the newly gained information. for several reasons:
1. how the hell am i supposed to start the conversation anyway?
2. as i have mentioned to the old friend, when he so callously asked me if i had texted the douchebag already and told me why the hell did i ask for it anyway, hard as it may seem, i am still a girl, an i don't want to come across as totally aggressive.
3. the douchebag being who he is, prolly knows a lot of girls like him. and doing so would just give him the confirmation that i do like him, and i am like all those girls lined up, waiting for him. (insert me mumbling "asshole")
4. it's me. i am BOUND to mess it up.
with said reasons. i was content on really just forgetting about it. but of course, i had to start talking to my friend, who, let's just make it short, was able to force? convince? me to go to the dark side. and because i was curious.
long story short, i ended up texting him tuesday night. i don't want to go into details about how it started, and how it went.
to sum it all up, he was nice enough to reply. very passive, but enthusiastic. my friend said he could be warming up. (YES FUCK IT, I TOLD MY FRIEND ABOUT IT. I WAS SPILLING EVERY DETAIL LIKE I AM FUCKING 16 YEARS OLD) anyway, come thursday morning, i was starting to get elated and giddy. his replies were starting to get longer, and well. i dunno. it's been a long time since i've had a conversation like this, i don't even know what to make of it. but then POOF. he just didn't reply anymore. in the middle of a conversation. he just stopped.
so you can imagine all sorts of thoughts running through my brain right now. it's not fucking overdrive, and i'm tired. i mean, i want to tell myself, and shout at myself, that what the fuck? a few text messages doesn't mean he likes you! don't be stupid, the fact that he didn't reply means he doesn't like you! the fact that you were forgettable means DUH he doesn't like you.
i hate myself for letting me think that he COULD like me. HE DOESN'T LIKE ME (of course me writing these things, there is that small spark of hope, wishing that i could be dead wrong) but no. i want to squash it away. in his words, i just needed to satisfy my curiosity. this ends now.
but before that, maybe i want to add a few things to the list on the previous post:
1. homebody. i don't know if i would believe this really. but according to him, since he wakes up freakishly early in the morning to "exercise" and waste away at work the rest of the day. he gets tired and goes home and sleeps early. and goes out only on weekends. i highly suspect, but well, for a recluse like me, i was surprised and, it made me smile.
2. game of thrones. okay. so i am not a fan of the show. fucking story makes me fall asleep in 3, 2, 1. it's more of the fact that it surprised me that he watched it. i always thought he was shallow. guess not that much.
3. the excessive? use of :), :)), and !!. maybe it's all part of his plan to seduce and humor girls. but fuck him. it worked.
so there. maybe i should stop with this.
why the fuck did he have to put his arms around me that night? why the fuck did he have to reply and humor me like this? why couldn't he just be the douchebag i know he is and just not reply? why did i allow myself to hope?
fuck hope.
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