two hundred-seventieth.

dear (k)you,

as mentioned in the previous post, the douchebag has been in my head for the time being. a year or so ago, this has happened. we met, i was taken, i tried, got dumped, felt heartbroken, told that he was too handsome for me and basically went down a notch on my self-esteem ladder. i might need to add that during this whole process, we only met once, amidst a group of people who were drunk (and i think we were also drunk ourselves). so yeah, it's a movie -- in my head.

so okay, school happened, clinics and all that shit i went through, managed to get him off my mind finally. of course there were the sporadic thoughts, but none enough to fuel anything. i mean yknow, once people tell you that you're not really his type and he's too pretty for you, you kinda get the idea. not to mention he doesn't remember you.

and fast forward to now. a few months back (YES FUCKING MONTHS), i had a few drinks with some friends, and he happened to be there. yes. again. and somehow he managed to rouse up all these stupid feelings i have been imagining. YES. I AM GOING TO START REFERRING TO THEM AS MY IMAGINATION, BECAUSE REALLY, WHAT ARE THEY? the things i saw that night were not enough to make me fall in love, but they were not even close to making me hate him either. there were so many things about him that i like in a guy. and i'm not just saying this because i was dictating my brain to like him. i mean, there were genuine things that i liked:

1. tattoo. i generally like people with tattoos. i mean, i don't like it when people look down on others when they find out that they have tattoos. and the fact that he's got a pretty big one on his left arm, i think it's safe to assume he's not a tatto snob.

2. height. duh. i like tall guys. period.

3. earrings. this is a really gray area, because i don't like piercings in general. not to facial metal. but ears are okay. and i hadn't realized he had them up until he sat beside me. okay so i hate the big round black ones. and the big stretchy kind. i think they're dirty (yeah, coming from someone who likes tattooed bodies) and weird. but then there's that kind, that when done perfectly, makes a guy look classy (yeah, fucking deal with the word) and sexy. and he had a perfect pair on. it took me by surprise. he looked even hotter than he already was. plus the fact that they matched mine.

4. freckles. i hadn't realized i found them hot, until, yes he sat beside me. i generally like guys with perfect skin. uhm, duh, you. but he had a drunk look, and his face was all red and freckly. and it made it look nice. like he's not really that perfect guy they said he was. like he wasn't really that handsome that he couldn't level off with me.

5. voice. he has an ugly voice i think. but one that i cannot help not hearing now. the last time i saw him, i couldn't remember his voice. but now, i keep hearing it.

6. shoes. his shoes had laces on them. and i think they were nice. not the loafer kind, or the sneaker kind, or the boat shoes kind. they were the long, kinda pointy dress shoes with laces. and it was nice. the fact that i ended up putting his shoes on him lowered my level by 5 notches, but what the hell. i got to see his shoes that night.

i am hoping that by writing these things i get to let it all out and it's going to help get rid of him here. but well in reality, this post is going on full rage hate on myself, because i really want to get over him. not to think about him anymore. i am back where i was a year ago. and i don't like it. i may have liked it before, but i don't now. i think this is taking me lower than i ever was when i was dealing with the little boy. and that's saying something. the little boy was the poster child for my rock bottom self esteem.

i am going to forget and stop thinking about him already. i may start imagining things again, but there would be a conscious effort not to hope anymore. i think that's what OAO wants anyway. i need to stop making him the star of my fucking fantasies.

because like i said before, if he wanted something to happen. anything, there would have been so many opportunities already. but it seems like he's living his life as he was before i ever came into the picture. and he's going to be okay when i get out of it. like i ever was part. 

so i'm just going to humor you with one last phrase that has maybe kept me going on for so long than it was necessary.

"... and your arm felt nice wrapped around my shoulder. and i had a feeling that i belonged." 

bye, m.