ninth.

dear (k)you,

i have a habit of re-reading my letters to you and reflecting on them. my eighth letter particularly caught my attention (even if it's only the one before this). it's only the eighth one, and i already have a hate letter to you. but when i think about it, it's not really a direct bashing of you and the way you see people. i mean, i can't blame you, you live in a world where perfection is defined by a checklist. maybe i was particularly hurt because i couldn't believe that you would be able to say (or techinically think coz it wasn't you who said it) something like that.

but what i'm more frustrated about is the fact that, while i was reading my full-of-rage letter to you, now that i'm all cooled down, I AM STILL MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOU. i am still trying to tell myself that i should think about it in your point of view. even in blatant issues like this, i'm still trying to whitewash your image in front of me. i'm arguing with imaginary people, bashing them instead of you. making up illogical reasons, insulting my own intelligence, just so i could convince myself that you can be forgiveable. pathetic right? here i am trying to make you into this perfect guy, that i would turn my head away from the very obvious flaws you have. from the very obvious things that would make me hate you.

do know this of course, I COULD NEVER HATE YOU. that much i think i need to tell you before any more letters, although i think that could also go without saying. i could never. even if you say something so vile, (i'm not even going to say it) i would still find something to make you into the hero. you will always be my shining star. so keep blinding me, until i go crazy. i really don't mind.

because yeah...



... that.

eighth.

dear (k)you,

please don't disappoint me like that okay? i wouldn't be able to take it. i saw something today, and it made me so sad. 3 of your friends said something and it made me so sad thinking you could be like them. and i liked one of them too you know? they badmouthed fat girls, and it made me really sad that you guys could think that way. i mean, does being fat mean you can't take care of yourself? i'd like to think it's the opposite. you are so good at taking care of yourself, you cook really good, that you get fat. that's what i think. why would you judge fat girls like that? i know it's your friends that said that but i can't help feeling like it came out of your mouth too. and it made me so bothered. what's with the whole superficial shit anyway? does beauty only count if you're stick thin? i mean, can't voluptous girls be pretty too? maybe where you come from, you freaking aliens. and what the fuck is up with one of your friends saying that he can get fat coz he's a boy? WHAT IS THAT? so now girls can't be fat to be beautiful? how does that even make sense? all over the world people are fighting for gender equality and you go around prancing your ass around town saying that fat girls are pretty much losers. THAT'S SOME PRETTY ASSHOLE SHIT.

but who am i kidding? i say these things but then i realize that i FORCE myself to eat no more than 2 proper meals a day just to get my weight no more than 45kg. i kill myself not eating, walking everyday back home just to lose weight. to be the skinny girl that would warrant your attention. i try my best to be something you would want.

truth is, i would still do anything for you. you are the only one i would do anything for.

AND FUCK, RIGHT NOW I REALLY HATE MYSELF.

seventh.

dear (k)you,

i just got some news yesterday. i'm very happy right now you know? so happy i could die. please don't do this so much, i might not even last up to that day. but say i do, let me just say,

GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU!!!

sixth.

dear k(you),

i have a free day today, so i'm pretty much just bumming around, resting my brain (translation: it's all pretty much you). sorry, you're probably so freaked out right now that i keep saying you're in my mind. don't. truth is, it's not ALL you. you're just pretty much the only thing worth mentioning. yeah, not only do i have a stalker-ish mind, i'm also very dysfunctional, if you know what i mean.

anyway, it's your birthday in a few days. let me greet you, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. (i'll probably greet you again on your birthday, but let me just greet you now too). you're getting old, 23 whopping years. well, techinically, you're only 22 (same as me) but you guys count really weird, i didn't bother to try and understand it. all i know is, we were born the same year. lol.

so, hope you're treating yourself good. it's tradition for me to treat myself extra better a few days before my brithday. and you should too. you're pretty much overworked and probably over stressed so, you deserve it.

fifth.

dear k(you),

i think you should take responsibility for whatever grade i get for tomorrow's exam. you have been a constant distraction again today, it's not even new anymore. anyway. i dreamed of you last night, it was a bad dream. it felt so real that i woke up numb. you were just there for a short while, it was just a short dream. but in my dream, you were with another girl. how shit is that for me huh? anyway. good thing it's a dream. and good thing i'm saying it out loud. they say if you say your dreams, they don't come true. so, that dream SHOULD. NOT. COME. TRUE. lmao.

fourth.

dear k(you),

you ever read horoscopes? i think you should, it's pretty interesting. i once read mine, it said "better remember number" or something like that. the same night, i had the chance to get someone's number. little things like that. anyway, here's the thing. i found this "really accurate" horoscope, and as much as i know it's just bullshit, after reading it, i want it to be real. so bad. so here, (i'm not putting the sign, coz yeah, i'm making good on my precautions)

mine:
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners. Very Good at confusing people... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Will not take any crap from anyone. Like to tell people what they should do and get offended easily. They are great at losing things and are forgetful. Can be very sarcastic and childish at times and are very nosey. Always happy. VERY Loud. Talkative. Outgoing. VERY FORGIVING. Trustworthy. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE

yours:
Trustworthy. Attractive.. . Great kisser. One of a kind, loves being in long-term relationships. Can be clumsy at times but tries hard. Will take on any project. Proud of themselves in whatever they do. Messy and unorganized. Procrastinators. Great lovers, when they're not sleeping. Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more than their family. Can be VERY irritating to others when they try to explain or tell a story. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter but will Knock your lights out

i italicized the things i found funny. i hope you found them funny too, my perpetual distraction <3

third.

dear (k)you,

you ever daydream? i bet you don't, what with all the things you do, you prolly don't have the luxury for it. but say you do, don't you hate it when you daydream something so wonderful, so in detail, that you just hate yourself for doing so? i mean, it's so freaking wonderful that you only want it to come true. the details are so vivid, so specific, so logical, that it can pass as reality. but there's like this law of life, that daydreams NEVER come true. i think it's because Oh Almighty One (OAO) doesn't want you to say "oh my! that's exactly what i was dreaming!"

and it sucks. it just sucks big time, because i can't stop my useless brain from making useless dreams starring you. i want it to stop, believe me, not because i don't want you to be a part of my life, but because i want these things to come true. and how can it if i practically daydreamed every possible scenario for the two of us? OAO is prolly running out of options right now. (BOOO.)

okay ps: you've been pretty "quiet" lately, and i was wondering if OAO was making good on our deal. so thank you for making noise again. i knew i was bound to see you when i went there, but it was so random that it took me by surprise.

so to OAO i say, you know me better than i know myself. you know what i was going to think. so you brought this upon yourself. i asked politely, and this is how i interpret your reply.

second.

i wonder how many letters i write you until that day... don't worry, this definitely won't be an everyday thing. i just have some time on my hands right now, so bare with it.

dear (k)you,

how are you doing? i guess you're doing good. don't let those little things bother you okay? be strong and always smile. you look so cute when you do your dorky smile. anyway, you'll be pretty busy in the next few weeks right? coz you're going country hopping again. so you better stock your thin body alright? eat a lot of rice. oh, and i know it's a few months from now, but it's going to be hot, like that time in thailand. so bring thin clothes okay? you don't really need those ice packs, it's not that hot. and besides, you're prolly staying in an expensive hotel, so the air conditioning there will be close to home.

and yeah, i hope i get to see you then.

... no actually, i hope you get to see me.

first.

just so you know, i've taken every precaution so you wouldn't find this. and if by some miracle you do, i've taken steps so you wouldn't know it's me.


i don't know why i'm even doing this right now. i guess i need an outlet, and a diary is really too cliche, don't you think? anyway, here you go, i will perpetually write you letters and pretend you can read them. this is my way.


here goes...


dear (k)you,


you were a big distraction today. i have a ton of exams coming, but i kept thinking of you. what you were doing, what you are feeling. can i ask you a favor? please don't do this in times like these. really, i'm barely hanging on.


although, you are a lucky charm. i'm gonna tell you why, this will be short, so bear with it for a while. 2 days ago, i had this exam. being me, i barely studied for it (because yes you were a distraction again. lmao) anyway, halfway through the exam, i knew i was in trouble. i wasn't sure of any of my answers. i was losing hope, already, thinking of the consequences if i failed this test. i was seated in front of the window and i gave up thinking and just watched a group of students file out of the lecture hall. and then i saw it. a group of guys were talking and one of them started dancing. i knew that dance. you used to dance that quite often (and you were better than him). before i realized it, i was smiling to myself. i shook my head, smiled and answered the remaining questions, with you dancing in my mind.
that afternoon, the results came out, and as you can guess, i passed that test. i just passed, by a few points. but i was one of the few who did (most of the class failed).


so to my lucky charm, thank you.
but still, don't distract me too much. i might not be able to handle it.