ninth.

dear (k)you,

i have a habit of re-reading my letters to you and reflecting on them. my eighth letter particularly caught my attention (even if it's only the one before this). it's only the eighth one, and i already have a hate letter to you. but when i think about it, it's not really a direct bashing of you and the way you see people. i mean, i can't blame you, you live in a world where perfection is defined by a checklist. maybe i was particularly hurt because i couldn't believe that you would be able to say (or techinically think coz it wasn't you who said it) something like that.

but what i'm more frustrated about is the fact that, while i was reading my full-of-rage letter to you, now that i'm all cooled down, I AM STILL MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOU. i am still trying to tell myself that i should think about it in your point of view. even in blatant issues like this, i'm still trying to whitewash your image in front of me. i'm arguing with imaginary people, bashing them instead of you. making up illogical reasons, insulting my own intelligence, just so i could convince myself that you can be forgiveable. pathetic right? here i am trying to make you into this perfect guy, that i would turn my head away from the very obvious flaws you have. from the very obvious things that would make me hate you.

do know this of course, I COULD NEVER HATE YOU. that much i think i need to tell you before any more letters, although i think that could also go without saying. i could never. even if you say something so vile, (i'm not even going to say it) i would still find something to make you into the hero. you will always be my shining star. so keep blinding me, until i go crazy. i really don't mind.

because yeah...



... that.