seventy-second.

dear (k)you,

so. it's been a long time. i just found out some thing(s) a few days ago. first, looks like i might be seeing you earlier than i expected. maybe in a year? kind of surreal since i remember making that deal with OAO, about seeing you in a year. heh.

second, someone you know might be coming here too. someone that i also had possessive, albeit a minimal amount, feeling for. heh. but i'm pretty sure i won't see him. not the way i did with you that is.

so anyway, my own personal hell will start in 7 days. i'm not looking forward to it, but well, be it as it may, at least it'll take me closer to seeing you again, and, ultimately, it'll take me closer to leaving this wasteland already.

although i have some inhibitions about it now, but well, i don't know. only time will tell.

seventy-first.

dear (k)you,

i'm doing this for fun ^^

1. I've come to realize that my boobs...
+ are getting smaller! lol.

2. I've come to realize that my job...
+ will still be there in the next 50 years.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
+ i talk to myself. and i do road rage. lol.

4. I've come to realize that I need...
+ kyou. lol. no. i need a way out.

5. I've come to realize that I've lost...
+ a lot.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
+ when i realize where and who i am.

7. I've come to realize that the person I like...
+ is so far. and is you.

8. I've come to realize that money...
+ makes the world go round. i'm not being a pessimist. 20 years ago, maybe not, but now... lol.

9. I've come to realize that people...
+ are scary. in a million different levels.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be...
+ cool ^^

12. I've come to realize that my mum...
+ is as cool as me ^^

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
+ is something i can live without.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
+ i ate so much last night.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
+ (seriously, without the "you-ness") i was really thinking of you. or talking to OAO about you.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...
+ you. and my exploding bladder. and how i'm being stupid writing this right now.

17. I've come to realize that my dad...
+ was the coolest guy ^^ (no bribing intended daddy-o)

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...
+ i get bored.

19. I've come to realize that today...
+ i need to lay off desserts. cake. sugar.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...
+ is my last night here.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow will be...
+ my last day in the cold.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
- live in a place where salons are open til 3am ;p

24. I've come to realize that life...
- is a bitch. you don't wanna deal with her, but you're curious enough to see if she can surprise you. and sometimes, she does.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...
- will be fun.

26. IS GONE.
- k.

27. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...
- is music on real high volume.

28. I've come to realize that my friends...
- are the best people in the world.

29.I've come to realize that the past year (2009)...
- pretty much sucked.

30. I've come to realize that the last person i kissed...
- is an ass. actually no, scratch that, is worse than an ass.

31. I've come to realize that when people walk out of my life...
- it's because i let them.

seventieth.

dear (k)you,

this is one of my favorite movies. and i love this part of the movie. really reflects what i want to tell OAO. lol. i've forgotten about this, but my brother suddenly put it on, and it still kinda fit my life.

grace: thank God you’re all right!

bruce: God? yeah, let’s thank God, shall we? for his blessings are raining down upon me. wait! That’s not rain!

g: bruce, please don’t do that, honey. you know that everything happens for a reason.

b: that i don’t need. that is a cliché. that is not helpful to me.

g: ”a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”!

b: i have no bird. i have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.

g: oh, i see. so God is picking on you, is that what you’re saying?

b: no! he is ignoring me completely! he’s far too busy getting Evan everything he wants. oh, that’s great, sam. but you missed your target. i am over here!

g: why are you getting mad at the dog? it’s not the dog’s fault.

b: no, it’s God’s fault. He gave him the wrong coordinates.

g: OK, enough! would you stop being such a martyr?

b: i am not being a martyr. i am a victim! God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill
with a magnifying glass, and i am an ant. he could fix my life in 5 minutes if he wanted to. but he’d rather burn up my feelers and watch me squirm!

------
b: OK God… you want me to talk to you? then tell me what’s going on. what should i do? give me a signal. i need your guidance, please, send me a sign.

OK, all right. i’ll try it your way. OK. Lord, i need a miracle. i am desperate. i need your help, Lord. please, reach into my life.

fine. the gloves are off, pal. come on, let me see that wrath. smite me! oh, mighty smiter! you are the one who should be fired! the only one around here not doing his job is you!

answer me!

sixty-ninth.

dear (k)you,

i've known for quite sometime that one of your close friends might be getting married soon. and i don't know why it has taken me this long to actually digest that fact and why it's actually ripping my heart. come on, i've also known for quite some time that you probably have someone important (in that sense) in your life. it may not be as open as some of your friends, but i know that you probably have one. it's not normal for you not to. i mean, you're that type of person that can get 90% of the girls that you want. what scares (i think that's the appropriate term) that shit out of me is, that you might get an idea of getting married too. and i might not be able to take it. i know, it's kind of crazy for me to feel this way, but, you know that i have this weird claim over you. and i'm sorry. but, i just keep wishing that it be you. you and me. it's possible. anything's possible you know.

just... promise me you won't do anything crazy like that. you're young, you still have a lot to go through, don't... just don't okay?

at least wait for me. coz i'll be there, one way or another, i will.

OAO, please. please make it me.

sixty-eighth.

dear (k)you,

we were driving from this world landmark and i kinda had this epiphany. this thing that i do, strangely, slightly, becomes reality. am i making sense? i mean. i do this at the spur of the moment. whatever crazy thing is in my head at the moment, whatever feelings i have, i write. and strangely, it happens just a bit closer to reality.

so right now, i have to start writing things that i want to happen. lol. see i watched this movie, it's called "the secret" and it says there that you just have to attract the positive energy around you, think what you want to happen, for it to actually happen.

so you and me will get together! lol. of course, it won't happen that fast. but it has to.

it has to.

sixty-seventh.

dear (k)you,

you know what? i think i wanna tell you some things about myself. lol. i just read this survey-type blog. people listing some 25 random facts about themselves. so maybe i wanna do it to. you know, just so you know what kind of person has this creepy-stalkerish-moronic-fangirl claim over you. so yeah.

1. i am slightly superstitious. i mean, some superstitions i don't really mind, but some i stick to them. especially those that pertain to love.

2. i am selective homophobic. i do not mind those people per se. but they should not, under any circumstances, include me in their business. i'm very supportive of how they want to live their lives, but they should leave me out of it. i am straighter than a ruler.

3. i like to cook. for someone who's being anorexic. pretty ironic.

4. sometimes i like to do things alone. yes. i'm not being anti-social here, but sometimes i like the idea of doing things alone, like this independent woman in an unknown country.

5. i fangirl. you should know. i like k-pop, j-pop, asian fashion, asian actors (yes, please note that i like actors only. hahaha.) oh and btw, asia in this sense roughly consists of korea, japan and to some extent, taiwan only.

6. i loooove asian food. now this, consists of ALL asia. especially noodles. i can eat noodles forever.

7. i make excuses. yes, you are exhibit A for this one. you can do anything, and it cannot be wrong in my eyes. you can do something so blantantly against my principles, my heart, and still i can make up an excuse for you.

8. i am very weight conscious. yes, you know this too. but know this, i didn't only start to be like this because of you. no. i mean, try living with a mother that weighs less than you do. i just don't like being the largest in the family. so there.

9. i don't like it when people hover. especially those shopping attendants that follow you when you're looking around, making off-comments, pressuring you to buy. i mean, really! doing that makes me not want to buy just to spite them.

10. i love my family and friends. yes, i am very filial.

11. i believe childish concepts like fate, serendipity, destiny and all the other names for it. i just want to have this excuse for all the bad things that happen to me. (i just want to have an excuse for me to continue hoping and believing that someday... you and me....)

12. i am very unpatriotic. i plan to ditch my country the moment i get that diploma.

13. when it comes to choosing boys, i swing for the fence. lol. yeah, just look at yourself and you'll know what i mean.

14. i like to travel. i guess this is connected to me being so unpatriotic. i always want to leave this sorry place we call "country". okay i'm sorry i'm speaking this way. i know you are very nationalistic, and me talking about my country this way, i don't want you to think of me that way, but cut me some slack okay? you're there. i'm here.

15. i don't like waiting. but well, for certain things, like trains that might never come, i become crazy and just wait.

i'm going to stop at 15 first. i'm getting tired already. and this is pretty long already.

goodnight!

sixty-sixth.

dear (k)you,

something weird happened to me again. i mean, not that i'm special that way, but because i tend to pick out these weird things. or maybe my life is one big bore that things like these fascinate me. i don't know. anyway. since i'm awed by these things, i'll tell you.

see where i come from, we have this superstition that if you dream of yourself losing a tooth, someone you know will die. i never really paid attention to that, but 2 years ago, i dreamt of losing my tooth. get this, a few days after... well my dad died. okay, okay. might be a coincidence. then 3 or 4 months after, damned dream happened again. and then guess what... a close family friend died. okay, okay. might be a coincidence again... well if only it didn't happen 2 more times. grr. i'm not saying i'm this omnipotent weirdo that can see people die. coz there have been deaths (in the last 2 years almost 10 people i know died), when i didn't dream of it. but the thing is, when i dream of tooth-losing thing, someone dies. it's... scary. well anyway. it hasn't happened again so i hope it won't.

now the next weird thing. this vacation i am in, well, we got it on a trip pass. meaning we are chance passengers. so we go to the airport, if there are free seats, we get on. if there are none, we go home. story of our lives. so anyway, i was due to leave one sunday, but we didn't get on. so tue night, i dreamt that we already got on, we were in the carriage carousel getting our bags. wed night, we're off. okay, okay. might be a coincidence. then, my sister and mom were due to come last sunday, but they didn't get any seats. 2 nights ago, i think i was dreaming when i heard someone say that they go on the plane. and voila! in a few hours, i'll be picking them up from the airport.

see i wouldn't have found these things weird if my stone head of a brother didn't say

"wow. you're good. your dreams actually come true."

wtf? now i think about all my other dreams, if there are dreams concerning you. and well... gulp. there was one. and i don't want that dream.

so anyway. must. dream. good. dreams. about. you.