eighty-eighth.

dear (k)you,

i should be studying, really. i have to study almost 60 pages of pure i-don't-know-whats. but my brain refuses.

and my back hurts.

and my head hurts.

and my legs feel like they're jello.

and my back hurts even more.

and my knees feel like they have a lot of rust already.

and my neurons are failing to synapse already.

maybe my GABA levels are so high? or my Na channels are closed for the night? whatcha think?

TOX. IC.

need energy drinks now.

eighty-seventh.

dear (k)you,

i wanna talk to you, before i hibernate, prolly for the whole week. anyway, guess what, i'll be having 5 exams this next few days. it's not really so much of a pain, if only I AM NOT SICK. well, thank God, i'm not THAT much sick, just a little (no a lot) cough and colds. But i feel really really bad. it doesn't help that this god-forsaken place we call country has freaking weather mood swings. i mean, talk about sun in the morning and downpour (take not, not rain, but downpour) in the afternoon-evening. i mean, honestly, how can people not get sick with this kind of weather? and not to mention, again, that i will be having examS. i would feel better if it were one or two, but come on? 5? and i'm sick?

talk about bad timing. well, if you think about it, i am all about bad timing. i am probably the most mediocre person, that's why nothing good ever happens to me. but i am so mediocre that OAO just opts to give me bad things. bad bad bad. can't even have a fairytale love story like the rest of the girls in the world. and that's all i really want. oh, and you. kekekeke

i'm gonna go and shut up now.

eighty-sixth.

dear (k)you,

well, it's that time of the year again. this is my last weekend before i jump in into all the exams. i wonder though why i'm not that panicky. maybe coz i still have a few days. but i don't know, considering i have 3 exams in just one week and i haven't even started memorizing like crazy. but well, i'll get to that. maybe tomorrow. what i'm really, really scared of is laboratory work. i cannot - under any circumstance - afford to lag behind lab work, actually, i have to be good at it coz we have practical exams at the end of term and i am pretty sure, i might suck at it. ugh. why must i have suckass hand and eye coordination? how do i expect to become a professional with this kind of shit? i guess i have to focus real hard.

and believe me, you are still a very good motivation, even though you decided to kinda disappear from the radar. honestly, where are you these days? i don't even know. it's like you just evaporated when everyone was giving you all that attention. well, can't say i don't kinda like it - i mean, at least it's less stressful for you. but i wish i knew what you were up to. but then again, who am i anyway?

eighty-fifth.

dear (k)you,

this just NAILED IT. this one, WAS MEANT FOR ME.

THE REMINDERS IN THE SKY:

you are the distance between the way things are and the way i want them to be.

-from IWTFY <3

eighty-fourth.

dear (k)you,

i've decided already. i'm going to stop this nonsense about being anorexic already. this is really crazy, coz there you are, being sick out of your wits, prolly wanting to gain weight, and here i am, depriving myself of the right amount of food. it's crazy. i don't want to get sick. that's all.

i'll prolly still diet, just a little bit, but i don't think i'll go back to being what i was back then. no more. i'd like to go back to eating 3 meals a day. thank you.

on the consolation side, at least i know you don't mind dating chubby girls. NOT THAT I'M CHUBBY. kekeke. i'm just not SKINNY.

eighty-third.

dear (k)you,

... the one man i can never meet.

... him i'd like to give my whole heart to.

F the lake house.

eighty-second.

dear (k)you,

les miserables is messing with me right now! i spent the good half of the morning listening to the 10th anniversary concert on youtube and i spent the good half of that time crying my eyes out!

funny though, i only listened to 3 specific videos. the 1) ultimate favorite "on my own"; 2) the encore performance where the 17 jean valjeans from different countries were singing (MAN GOOSEBUMPS EVEN IF I CAN'T UNDERSTAND SOME OF THE LANGUAGES); and 3) that stupid "i dreamed a dream". i particularly hate that song because it hits a nerve spot on.

i know i know, i have no right to actually say that my life is "this hell i'm living", but well, that's how i feel okay?

she sings, "i had a dream my life would be, so different from this hell i'm living"

i have no right yes. i eat more than the average person, i have good education, i have a wonderful family, i have wonderful friends, i have a good house, i can afford some luxuries. BUT WHY THE HELL DO I STILL FEEL SAD?

get this. sad is different from unsatisfied. i am very content with my life. but i still feel empty and sad? DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? how can someone by content yet feel still empty? i don't know. maybe because i keep wanting something i absolutely cannot have. or maybe i keep wanting something that's not within my reach.

it's like i'm always going back to a shoe store to keep looking at a pair that i know i couldn't have. i keep going there, outwardly saying that one day i'll be able to buy it, but knowing deep deep deep inside, that i can't. that i'm just actually waiting for someone else to buy it. but still, having that inch of hope that OAO would look kindly on me and just say "oh okay fine, here you can have it."

but that doesn't seem like within the next 3 years. i am tied down for 3 long years. why couldn't i have known these things back then? maybe i could be living "the dream i dreamed"...

..."and still i dreamed he'd come to me. and we would live the years together... but there are dreams that cannot be. and there are storms we cannot weather. i had a dream my life would be... so different from this hell i'm living. so different now from what it seemed. now life has killed the dream i dreamed."

eighty-first.

dear (k)you,

you may find this hard to believe but on of my favorite musicals is "les miserables". i know right? i sometimes can be classy. heh. but anyway, i first watched this musical on tape only, since it doesn't run where i am, but anyway daddy-o forced me to watch it and i fell in love with it. maybe i really like being miserable ne? keke. anyway, my ultimate favorite song there is eponine's "on my own". no reason really, i just like the lyrics and the melody and how eponine sang it.

but now it kinda takes a new meaning. coz of you. i don't know. i heard it on a variety show earlier and the lyrics seemed to be calling out to me. so weird.

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him...
But only on my own...

heheheh. think about it. ;'p

eigthieth.

dear (k)you,

hey. i do not do this at all. but let me just tell you. i'm a little drunk right now. i must be crazy, since i have school this afternoon. but what the hell. i'll prolly sober up in time for school anyway. which is roughly an hour or so.

anyway. i just want to tell you... can you please be my soulmate? huh? i know it's crazy and i know it's not possible and i know i prolly let a few good guys go because i am so caught up with you. but please? uh?

this is weird. i never do this. i never get irresponsibly drunk like this. lol.

seventy-ninth.

dear (k)you,

yesterday was special... at least for me.

i was secretly hoping and wishing that it was special to you too. or that you felt like yesterday was not like any other day. even if you do not know the reason outright.

but well... i wouldn't know that. hm.

i just wish this year could be better. no.

i wish this year could be the year i'm waiting for. hm.

seventy-eighth.

dear (k)you,

you have absolutely wonderful big brothers. absolutely adorkable. ah. you guys actually kill me. if i can love you all to pieces i will. kekeke. actually, i do. but of course, i love you best. hah.

anyway, i officially started school and let me tell you, i only had about, what 6 hours of lecture? and already my brain feels like it's going to go into hyperdrive and just die. lol. not because of information overload, but because i think i am so afraid of the days to come. it's like looking at a very, very, very, very (did i fail to mention very?) dark sky in the near horizon, with a side of thunder and lighting to boot. i don't think i have the confidence to do a good job. really. i dunno. the first step to success in this profession is confidence, but i think i don't have that at all. i am so scared and nervous. i even find myself wishing i develop some kind of disease or illness to prevent me from finishing this course. sucks i know but well, if OAO wants me to be this, then so be it. it'll prolly bring me closer to you in the end, so all the mental stress will be worth it.

speaking of that, a few days ago i've been fretting about my plans to go where you are when i finish school and set up a life there. i dunno because frankly, how can i build up my profession where you are? and then like an epiphany, my aunt was telling me about this friend of hers that works in the same field as her, but at the same time working in the same field as me. how cool is that? i mean, he has this employer back home that keeps him when he's not doing his other passion. i mean, kinda sad because that would mean i wouldn't be able to progress as a professional, but then again. i dunno. one thing's for sure though, i am going to be where there are kids. heh. coz i love them so. lol.

seventy-seventh.

dear (k)you,

i'm going back to school today. well, no actually tom, but er... whatever same banana. get ready for more exam-i-think-i'm-going-to-die-i-wanna-quit entries. ha. and just to show how much i am excited to get this semester over with, i actually have a countdown already. 138 days. please hurry up.

anyway, funny thing happened yesterday. we were at the beach, me and my friends, and there was this really LARGE group of boys who were giving us the eye. kinda flattering too, considering they were really hot. but well, too bad they're still in high school. talk about age differences. they were even younger than my baby sister. would've been nice if they were a tad older. but well, i'm too picky anyway (you know that). besides they were pinning for my other friend, i was just there. lol.

right. need to mentally prepare myself for school. AGAIN. so there. have you been resting? you better! coz if i hear you getting sick again, i'm gonna go into depression. lol. kidding. ^^

seventy-sixth.

dear (k)you,

i heard you were hospitalized. i swear your bosses are trying to kill you, making you do all that stuff. no wonder your colleagues keep quitting! but i'm still proud of you, you're still hanging on, hanging on to your dream :)

i lost that years ago, when i chose this path. but no matter, i got you as consolation prize anyway. wouldn't have found out about you if i had gone somewhere else.

like i said, i believe all those stuff about serendipity, and fate and all that. i believe that everything little thing that we do has a potential to change our future. has a potential to determine the people you meet, leave and love forever.

anyway, have a speedy recovery ne? eat healthy and rest. rest. rest.

fighting!!

seventy-fifth.

dear (k)you,

can i pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

i could really use a wish right now...

wish right now...

wish right now.

seventy-fourth.

dear (k)you,

where do i go to find you? huh? where?

who do i call to help me get to you? huh? who?

what do i need to do to have you? huh? what?

when will i see you again? huh? when?

how do i catch your attention? huh? how?

why do i like you so much? huh? WHYYYY?

i hate myself. really.

seventy-third.

dear (k)you,

i backtracked to the entry where i ranted about those stupid deals i made with OAO. i made this deal on april 17 that if it rains within a period of time (i wasn't sure if it was an a hour a month or a day a year), but point is now, the "answer" i got from that deal was "we meet again after roughly a year".

and then now i get the news that you might come back here 2011.

COME ON NOW. OAO STOP MESSING WITH ME.

because i wanna believe it. i really do.

i'm gonna go and ruin my life now. ruin my life and believe in that. waste another year and believe in that.

and you know what? i might regret it someday, but what the hell?