eighty-second.

dear (k)you,

les miserables is messing with me right now! i spent the good half of the morning listening to the 10th anniversary concert on youtube and i spent the good half of that time crying my eyes out!

funny though, i only listened to 3 specific videos. the 1) ultimate favorite "on my own"; 2) the encore performance where the 17 jean valjeans from different countries were singing (MAN GOOSEBUMPS EVEN IF I CAN'T UNDERSTAND SOME OF THE LANGUAGES); and 3) that stupid "i dreamed a dream". i particularly hate that song because it hits a nerve spot on.

i know i know, i have no right to actually say that my life is "this hell i'm living", but well, that's how i feel okay?

she sings, "i had a dream my life would be, so different from this hell i'm living"

i have no right yes. i eat more than the average person, i have good education, i have a wonderful family, i have wonderful friends, i have a good house, i can afford some luxuries. BUT WHY THE HELL DO I STILL FEEL SAD?

get this. sad is different from unsatisfied. i am very content with my life. but i still feel empty and sad? DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? how can someone by content yet feel still empty? i don't know. maybe because i keep wanting something i absolutely cannot have. or maybe i keep wanting something that's not within my reach.

it's like i'm always going back to a shoe store to keep looking at a pair that i know i couldn't have. i keep going there, outwardly saying that one day i'll be able to buy it, but knowing deep deep deep inside, that i can't. that i'm just actually waiting for someone else to buy it. but still, having that inch of hope that OAO would look kindly on me and just say "oh okay fine, here you can have it."

but that doesn't seem like within the next 3 years. i am tied down for 3 long years. why couldn't i have known these things back then? maybe i could be living "the dream i dreamed"...

..."and still i dreamed he'd come to me. and we would live the years together... but there are dreams that cannot be. and there are storms we cannot weather. i had a dream my life would be... so different from this hell i'm living. so different now from what it seemed. now life has killed the dream i dreamed."