thirty-second.

dear (k)you,

my poor heart is jumping around right now. i know it doesn't amount to anything, but THANK YOU FOR PROVING ME WRONG. \^_^/

remember that time i wrote you a hate letter about your friends being shallow assholes, and you being friends with them might be like them? i totally take it back! i heard from someone that you don't mind chubby girls (just as long as their legs look nice on skirts). so yeah, proves you really aren't THAT superficial. so yeah, i think i'll go ahead and apply some shit on my legs, so they'll be so pretty you just have to give me a second look. hahaha. I KID. \^_^/

oh and you also like girls with long hair? wow. i'm growing mine now, BUT not because of you, i just had this generalization that boys like girls with long hair. looks like i'm right. \^_^/

WHY THE HELL AM I SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW???? \^_^/

thirty-first.

dear (k)you,

i am really doing anything for you. i know, i know, you never asked me to do these things, but i want to. for you. does that make sense? anyway, point in case, i would really do anything for you (or in this case at least, for you to notice me? or maybe be something worthy of your second glance). let's enumerate (for lack of better things to do while i wait for that thing to finish downloading)

1. to lose weight (coz apparently, where you're from, 100lbs is overweight): i only eat 1 decent meal a day except on weekends (come on, give me that :))) and i walk around 2 kms(?) everyday from the train station to my house. i know it's a short distance, but it helps in metabolism. and i might (actually will, i just have to wait for my aunt) go under non-surgical lipo-suction (this isn't as bad as it sounds. it's technically just a demo for a machine, and it costs nil).

2. to look pretty (coz who doesn't like pretty girls?): i do stupid regimens every night, every week. i have sacrificed study time (although i really wouldn't be studying either way so this doesn't matter) to watch beauty tutorial videos so i could look like someone you would consider.

3. to see you (coz what's the use of all this if i don't?): i become stingy, calculating every single cent i have.

4. oh and the worst of them all i guess. this is under losing weight, but i think it deserves a separate mention, coz it's so stupid: i am going to go on a stupid diet to hasten my weight loss. said diet consists of eating 9 FUCKING EGGS A DAY. but i would lose around 10? kgs after 2 weeks.

so OAO, please oh please, make this worth it :(

thirtieth.

dear (k)you,

i finished my lab work today! yay! so now, i have one less thing to worry about. kekeke. anyway, so i needed to study today, as always, coz i have an exam on monday, and again, as always, i failed to hold on for at least 30 minutes. grrr. it's not really about you this time, the subject is just so uninteresting. no rephrase that, not uninteresting, it's just so difficult to study. on the one side, you know it, while reading you understand it, but the minute you drop the review materials, it's all gone. as if i never read them at all. but anyway, i'm going to study that tom, coz i have no choice. now, what i did the whole day, is just watch some beauty tutorials (yeah, coz i'm not attractive. kekeke) and it's pretty fun. i was looking for things that i could do to attract you (as if that's even possible) i highly doubt it.

but well, at least, you might be able to look at me for more than 2 seconds. which is enought of a milestone for someone like me.

twenty-ninth.

dear (k)you,

i was talking to my friend earlier and i accidentally (or not?) let slip about that day i'm so excited about. and i really, really, really want to believe her when she said that it might be the chance for you or one of you to fall in love with me.

too bad she's a little crazy in the head. but seriously, i really, really, really, really, really want what she said to come true. more than anything.

so yeah.

twenty-eighth.

dear (k)you,

you worked your magic on my last exam! i just had my highest score for this semester! yay! and i didn't expect it at all. kekeke. now i have a little to spare for the last exam so i wouldn't have to take the final exam already, which is what i want for most of my subjects. i already have one down, i only have to worry about 2 others, this and another one, cause the other subject we're required to take the finals and the other, well, i don't even know if i'm going to pass that subject, so, i'm kinda scared in a way. (this is kinda confusing, but i still want to make good on not letting slip any detail so you wouldn't figure out who i am - as if you would be able to even if i give out the most sensitive details. kekeke)

anyway, i'm still counting on you my lucky charm! a few more exams, and then it'll be summer. we might see each other already - well, i will see you, dunno about you. but seriously, i hope you do.

twenty-seventh.

dear (k)you,

you are driving me crazy! i have no school today. which means, i'm pretty much reduced to doing nothing. and sadly, that involves pretty much you inside my head! GRRRR. for the first time, i really feel... bothered... at the thought of you. i dunno why. i heard this morning that a friend (i'm not really sure if you guys are friends, but i assume yes) of you is here. and now i have this HUGE urge to go out of the house and look for him. yeah, aimlessly look for him even if i know i won't see him. maybe it's coz i feel like, by looking for him, by seeing him, it'd be like seeing you too. which is BULL coz you and him are really different. and yes coz HE IS NOT EVEN IN THE SAME CITY AS I AM. errrr. i am getting really frustrated right now! you guys are driving me crazy. i cannot even imagine what i would be doing when you finally come. i'd be a complete nutcase by that time.

and you know what's really funny? i sneer at stalkers, but i fail to recognize i am one step short of being one. maybe even more, coz i have this self-proclaimed, moronic, girlish claim over you. and honestly, it does scare ME. i cannot imagine what it'd do to you.

twenty-sixth.

dear (k)you,

you know, it's times like these that i wish i had someone to talk to. i always scoff at my relations when they say that my lack of social life is because i have no one special, but truth is, it's a huge part of it. and it's times like these that i have to admit to myself that fact. so i guess i'll resort to you then. you are after all my self-proclaimed soulmate, so i guess you have to bear with it.

i've always been the martyr type. but not any normal martyr, see, i want my "martyrism" to be recognized. i want people to reward me for sacrificing things i let pass. like now, i wanted so much to have my hair permed, but i don't have the funds to do so. so naturally i would resort to asking my mother for it. but thing is, i know my mother has a lot on her mind, a lot of expenses, so i dare not ask a huge amount of money, especially when she thinks that spending a lot on just hair is a waste of time. so when she told me she'd give me the money (with a frown i might add), i told her i didn't want it. SEE? i could've gotten what i wanted if i just ignored the fact that she's just giving in just to shut me up. and here's another thing, i've always wanted to eat at this place, and whenever i bring it up, she just eludes me. so of course, unlike my self-absorbed siblings, i can take a hint: she doesn't want to eat there. not ever! so now, she finally got fed up with my silent reminders that we eat there, so i think we will, but with a freaking frown in her face. because she doesn't want to! i mean is it too much to ask? why do people give me what i want with a fucking reluctant heart that i just can't ignore??? is it too much to ask for people to give me something not because they want to shut me up, but because they truly want to give me something, to make me happy? i guess not.

even OAO doesn't want to give me that. i might be over reacting, but i guess i should just learn to not expect anything from people. to just grit my teeth and answer, "no it's okay, if you don't want to". because even if i really want to be the bitch that doesn't care, i can't. i end up making things better for others, rather than myself. so i guess dinner tonight will be up to my family. i'll be saving up for that restaurant on my own then.

oh, and thanks for putting up with me. although, you really don't have a choice now do you? ^_^

twenty-fifth.

dear (k)you,

this has become quite a habit already, but whenever i read something, i just automatically link it to you. so anyway, i've come to realize that when all this is over and done with (i will probably grow out of my self-induced infatuation over you - the duration is a different story), i probably wouldn't regret it a single bit. i prolly would never regret the time i spent on you. i prolly wouldn't think myself silly for everything that i have done (believe me, i have done stupid things). what i would prolly be regretting is the fact that after all this, you would never know. because you and me, we're just like that. our "relationship" will never be more than this. and it's some real shit that you and i can never be just "you" and "me". we will always be "someone like you" and "someone like me".

am i making sense? i prolly am not. i think i ate too much of that spiked ice cream, and my head is becoming a little heavy already. but iono, it really sucks when i think about it. all over the world, miracles happen. extraordinary things happen to people. but not one thing like that ever happens to me. okay that was an exaggeration, some pretty cool things happen to me too, but nothing like those, jaw-dropping-out-of-this-world-only-in-movies kind of things. things that include you (okay no, technically something that involves you is happening right now, but it isn't so much like what i really really wanted - BUT I'M NOT COMPLAINING). anyway, bottom line i just want you.

how the hell did i end up talking about this?

twenty-fourth.

dear (k)you,

people say that we should always be thankful for what is given to us. that we should know that what is given to us is what we deserve, or only what we can handle. in short, we shouldn't be greedy. but really, how can that be? with you, i only want to be greedy. i know things, especially right now, are going unbelieveably great. never in my life would i have imagined i could have something as cool as what i have in my dresser drawer. and i honestly think we hit a gold mine, or we really did something right to have this. but i still want more. from the very start, i have wanted something so impossible to happen (well, technically, it isn't impossible, with OAO, it can happen, it's just very very very, did i mention very?, hard to conceive). anyway, like i said, very unlikely to happen. and here i am now, i've gotten to "very unlikely" already, meaning there are only 3 "verys" left. and while i know that this is enough for me, i'm not really the nicest person in the world. and i have nothing particularly outstanding to my name. i still want more. when it comes to you, i just want to have it. nothing less. you are just that to me.

so yeah, to put it in perspective, you probably see me as a tiny spark, but i see you as the sun.

twenty-third.

dear (k)you,

you have no idea how happy i am right now. first of, i finally have it here with me. i can see you already when that day comes. kekekekeke. it kinda feels surreal right now, because out of all the thousands that wanted it, it was given to us by accident (i'd like to think it was because of OAO and not because she was only sweet talking). but anyway, in her words, "it's a huge go. it will be great."

oh, and you know what? i am so proud of you. really. you were great out there. you're working so hard right now, and it's really paying off. but still, let me just say, it really surprised me. in a good, fangirl way.

and God i'm so happy!

OH. MY. POOR. HEART.

twenty-second.

dear (k)you,

this will be my last valentine's entry. (yeah, just in case you missed it, i planned to make 3 valentine entries, coz you know, 3 for the 3 magic words. anywaaay.) technically, it's already the 15th, but due to time difference, i still have a few minutes to spare. so it's still the 14th here!

no one can really make my life this colorful than you. really. i know it's weird, and it's just probably all in my head. so yeah, maybe it's actually a disease that i have this self-proclaimed/inflicted attachment towards you. and you prolly hear it from a lot of people already, but i'm sincere. i really do have this strong weird feeling towards you. it's a (something stronger than a disease) kekeke.

but never mind that. so right now, you prolly have tons and tons of flowers and chocolates. don't eat them all okay? don't destroy your teeth. share with your older brothers (although i don't see that as helping coz they all prolly have their own mountains of chocolates, coz you all so irresistable). but anyway, still, share. or at least, eat them in moderation okay? eat one every after meals, just to ease your tastebuds. oh, and don't be touched too much from the letters you receive okay? coz you only have to like mine. kekeke. hope you got at least one of my balloons. kekeke. and next month, don't give anything to anyone. kekeke.

so yeah, i'll say it once more, happy valentine's day, my self-proclaimed soulmate. ^_^

twenty-first.

dear (k)you,

have you been here? this is in london, so you prolly have. i haven't, but don't you think it would be soooo cool to spend valentine's here? imagine, riding on the giant ferris wheel, at night, and watching valentine's fireworks. so romantic. actually, there's really no need for fireworks. there's also really no need for it to be in london, or on a ferris wheel.

i think i would be okay with just you. kekekeke.

twentieth.

dear (k)you,

i'm sending these out in the hope that one of them might get to you.

i really hope i could let you know how much you mean to me, how much i care for you, how much i love you.

but all i can do is wish you happy valentine's in secret, just like this.

nineteenth.

dear (k)you,

i got so drunk last night that i think i may have said some things. i think i was professing something to guy 2. but don't worry (as if you would), i think it was only because i was keeping it all inside of me that i think i finally let it out. but i remember saying that i love you too. that much i remember. i think i'm still feeling sick right now.

eighteenth.

dear (k)you,

i ate some spoiled dinner a while ago. i kinda want to hit myself, because i didn't want to believe that it was spoiled until i ate the last bite and i started feeling a little funny. so, as of right now, i already made 3 trips to the bathroom and am now drinking disgusting vegetable juice to appease my stomach. i think i finally got rid of most of it, but i still feel icky. so always remember to taste your food properly. and don't starve yourself (i think it was because i was SOOOO hungry that my brain failed to register that the food was already spoiled. it just wanted something inside). and if say you did eat something spoiled, drink vegetable juice. it helps get rid of it. better to get it out than suffer stomachache. kekekekeke.

oh and this medicine works great too. i'm going to get some right now. kekeke.

seventeenth.

before anything else: please work your magic on this exam please! i lost 2 points already, because i have such weak faith in my own capacity. i was singing your song the whole time. anyway...

dear (k)you,

i need you now, more than i admit. please. okay. i'm going to let this slide, just until valentine's day. but after that, promise me you'll come back. okay? i miss you.

sixteenth.

dear (k)you,

before i hibernate again to study, let me just tell you. you didn't work your magic on my last exam. huhuhu. i failed it quite largely. and it's making me panic because right now, my standing for that subject is failing. i need about 4 points to get back on my feet. and it sucks big time. so please, work your magic okay? i need to stand in front of you with all my subjects passed and, well... i need to be pretty for you. kekekeke. ^_^ ... sorry, think the caffeine's taking it's toll on me already.

fifteenth.

dear (k)you,

i was talking with my friend a while a ago and i realized that i quite neglected you for the past few days. i'm trying to think back as to why and i think i was too caught up with some things. but do know this of course, i still think of you. but there hasn't been anything new lately. at least not about you.

you know about guy 2 already right? let me just clear this out, for you and for me, i do not like him like that. it's just that, it's nearing valentine's day already, and the world is slowly turning red, with ocuples doing stupid things to each other. kinda makes me bitter. kinda makes me wish for something to happen. YOU aren't going to happen to me. it would take one helluva miracle for you to magically profess you love in front of me in time for valentine's. so my useless wandering mind kinda falls onto guy 2, who conveniently is literally in front of me. but i kinda realize that i do not think of him as him. i think of him as you, but in his shoes. does that make sense? okay rephrase. i kinda imagine you being in his shoes. close to me. talking to me. teasing me sometimes. laughing with me. yep. when all is said and done, it's still all about you. i still think of you.

and it's so convenient that i also have an exam coming up. i'm dead. T_T

fourteenth.

dear (k)you,

i'm going to quote from "i wrote this for you": I love no one but you, I have discovered, but you are far away and I am here alone. Then this is my life and maybe, however unlikely, I’ll find my way back there. Or maybe, one day, I’ll settle for second best. And on that same day, hell will freeze over, the sun will burn out and the stars will fall from the sky.

this is me now. virtually anybody that comes my way is always second best. and i always end up choosing you still. i'm going to tell you about 2 guys.

guy 1: he has the same name as you. well, maybe not the same, but your nicknames sound exactly alike. and i found that extremely funny. i was crushing on him for about a week already when i realized that you kinda have similar names (forgive me please, cause i always call you by your whole name, and he spelled his differently, so i didn't bother comparing. oh and imagine me getting an epiphany and literally freezing on the spot when i realized that ^^) so anyway. i kinda thought that you and him, having the similar names was a sign from OAO that i should give you up and settle for someone closer. and i almost did. but obviously, hell didn't freeze over, the sun is still shining, and the stars are still there waiting for me to wish on them. yeap, i chose you over him. not really so much because you're better. believe me, i think he is better for my poor heart than you who just constantly hurts me with every ticking second. but i just unconsciously chose you still. i just thought, "how can he (meaning guy 1) mean something more to me than him (meaning you)?" and i just smile. coz i dunno how to answer that question. i can give you a million reasons why he's better suited for me in the logical level. but not one in the emotional level. and sucks for me i guess, coz when it comes to you, i kinda listen to my heart over my brain.

now we go to guy 2: i think this one is pretty different from the previous. him i've known for almost 3 years now. but we only started talking around june 09. i didn't have a crush on him because he's too young (for my liking). and he's not really my type (my type is kinda dictated by you and he doesn't look tad like that - guy 1 did). he is, i admit, attractive, but like i said, not my type. but he does get his moments, like when he explains things we don't get (he's kinda the smartest) or when he just sings out of the blue (you sing better of course, but he's not bad either). it also doesn't help that he's starting to be kinda familiar with me. and that some of my friends tease me that we're a couple (said friends don't know about you T_T). so now, i'm kind of in a gray area with him. gray because i know he doesn't like me like that (and quite frankly, i don't too). but the little things that they (friends) tease us about kinda makes me happy. i dunno if it's the thought that sends fuzzy feelings in my chest area or it's actually him. it confuses me you know. but i'll probably end up choosing you anyway ^^ especially now.

so there. apparently, the world isn't going to end anytime soon. hell will still torture all those mean folks that died. the sun will still rise and fall, making us grow old. and the stars will still be there until i've exhausted them all with my wishes about you.

thirteenth.

dear (k)you,

i've been going wishing star crazy lately, i've noticed. even before the shooting star i saw. and it's all about you. i wanted to say, "it's all pretty much you", so at least it would kinda look like it's not ALL about you, but sadly, i've come to realize that it is. i even wish on airplanes. who the hell wishes on airplanes? anyway. so here, this is for you. when i have the time, i'm going to make them for you (coz i can make them! it's pretty easy). maybe even give them, if OAO gives the green light. (he he He prolly won't but, it felt cool writing it).

twelfth.

dear (k)you,

i promised myself i wouldn't write anything today, just your birthday greeting. but i have to tell you this.

it's your birthday, and i saw a shooting star. it made my heart smile. really.

you really are my shining star :)

eleventh.

dear (k)you,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

that's all i really want to say to you today.

oh and yeah, since, "you say things you don't need to say, because it hurts if you don't say them." i'm only going to say this once, since it's your birthday and all...




i love you.

tenth.

dear (k)you,

it'll be your birthday here in 80 minutes. i'm not greeting you yet.

what i really want to say is, you're a christian? i like that. we have at least one thing in common.