twenty-sixth.

dear (k)you,

you know, it's times like these that i wish i had someone to talk to. i always scoff at my relations when they say that my lack of social life is because i have no one special, but truth is, it's a huge part of it. and it's times like these that i have to admit to myself that fact. so i guess i'll resort to you then. you are after all my self-proclaimed soulmate, so i guess you have to bear with it.

i've always been the martyr type. but not any normal martyr, see, i want my "martyrism" to be recognized. i want people to reward me for sacrificing things i let pass. like now, i wanted so much to have my hair permed, but i don't have the funds to do so. so naturally i would resort to asking my mother for it. but thing is, i know my mother has a lot on her mind, a lot of expenses, so i dare not ask a huge amount of money, especially when she thinks that spending a lot on just hair is a waste of time. so when she told me she'd give me the money (with a frown i might add), i told her i didn't want it. SEE? i could've gotten what i wanted if i just ignored the fact that she's just giving in just to shut me up. and here's another thing, i've always wanted to eat at this place, and whenever i bring it up, she just eludes me. so of course, unlike my self-absorbed siblings, i can take a hint: she doesn't want to eat there. not ever! so now, she finally got fed up with my silent reminders that we eat there, so i think we will, but with a freaking frown in her face. because she doesn't want to! i mean is it too much to ask? why do people give me what i want with a fucking reluctant heart that i just can't ignore??? is it too much to ask for people to give me something not because they want to shut me up, but because they truly want to give me something, to make me happy? i guess not.

even OAO doesn't want to give me that. i might be over reacting, but i guess i should just learn to not expect anything from people. to just grit my teeth and answer, "no it's okay, if you don't want to". because even if i really want to be the bitch that doesn't care, i can't. i end up making things better for others, rather than myself. so i guess dinner tonight will be up to my family. i'll be saving up for that restaurant on my own then.

oh, and thanks for putting up with me. although, you really don't have a choice now do you? ^_^