two hundred-eighty first.

dear (k)you,

hello. it's been such a while right? i'm busy doing a lot of stuff right now. it's really something i really need to do. it's like a do or die thing. but right now, i'm taking a break, so i'm intoxicated like shit. i'm not even going to censor the words that might be said in this post. i'm just feeling all sorts of feelings right now. and that includes a feeling of needing to pee. like reeeeallly needing to pee. 

if you must know, the douchebag has a girlfriend now, so, fuck. i'm listening to this sad song. so maybe. i'll see you later.

still wish for you. love you.

two hundred-eightieth.

dear (k)you,

+1 

i never thought it could have an effect like this on me. 

i guess i should've just believed all of them. 

he was too pretty for me.

he was too good for me.

he was never going to like me.

i was going to have a hard time.

i guess i really had used up my OAO card on the ex.

it's probably better this way anyway.

it would've been nice. he would've been perfect.

would've.

two hundred-seventy ninth.

dear (k)you,

i guess three strikes, would eventually push me to write. anyway, as per tradition, i say i stop talking to the douchebag, but i always end up going against that and depressing myself more. 

but i think this time its the worst. i hope i get to tell him what a complete asshole he is. but i don't know. i rambling.

the real reason i am so freakishly depressed right now, is because the little brother has a girlfriend. yes. i am now a 5th wheel. 

i should say the pressure is on, but really what can i do at this point? its not like i didn't try (or am trying? i don't know :|). i put myself out there, really. i know i shouldn't give up, but how far should i go? 

fuck. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

i just want to shout FFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK.

as what j.lo said. "oh my pride is all i have."

and i don't even have that anymore i think.

two hundred-seventy eighth.

dear (k)you,

i'm watching the world cup right now, trying to distract myself from the asshole that is the douchebag.

i know i've said things like these before, in an attempt to push OAO to humor me. but i think i've finally reached the point where i can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. i've tried. really. and i think i've been getting code "he's-just-not-that-into-you" fora while now, and i think i should finally acknowledge it. i mean, it's not like he didn't try to humor me. he did. he was even nice enough to talk to me for a while. but this is just too much. now he couldn't even spare the time to answer my question. and it hurts.

it hurts when you put yourself out there and you get clobbered. 

and the sad part is, i really wanted it to be him. he's one of the few which really caught my attention. which made me want to try harder and prove to all that he is not what they think. but he's exactly what they say he is. bastard.

i guess i really have that attraction to the danny zucko complex. and i shouldn't be complaining. because this is a two-way street. i can't keep fantasizing and wishing for him to reciprocate. 

its' so painful really.

and i think this time, it's for real. no more of the douchebag. no more.

bye m. for real this time.

ps: bosnia herzegovina is winning, and they're cuter than the iranians.  

two hundred-seventy seventh.

dear (k)you,

i am a little conflicted right now about the douchebag. i really am. he's got a lot going on in his life, and i don't think i'm even welcome. i mean, he can't even spare me some time. but he goes on gallivanting on a holiday, or playing basketball in his old college. i mean what the hell really?

i know i shouldn't care. because that's exactly what makes this whole thing "complicated". this is exactly the kind of behavior that would hinder me from actually getting somewhere with him. if in fact there is even a slight remote chance of it happening.

he is such a girl. i swear. such a motherfucking girl. 

and i am a motherfucking coward-psychopath.

please come back? life was so much more peaceful when i was just hoping for you. i think i could handle you. the douchebag is just.

this is the little boy all over again. the cycle continues.

two hundred-seventy sixth.

dear (k)you,

this is a little overdue, but well whatever. i'm in that kind of mood. please know that i am not really talking to you. i would be (for the most part) be talking to the douchebag and to the rest of the fucking male population who are such rude assholes.

okay.

so. here goes. i would like to pick a bone with the phrase "talk to you later" or "get back to you" or "I'LL TEXT YOU LATER" or whatever else mutation there is for the goddamn phrase!

i mean really? really? you think you'd all be doing us a favor if you tell us that and not follow through? you think it's some dude code for "i'm-a-nice-person-so-i-won't-tell-you-straight-that-i-have-no-plans-of-getting-back-to-you-EVER"? NO. it's actually code for "i-am-a-rude-asshole-with-no-balls".

you could just tell us bye. or even, not reply entirely. sure you're still a jerk if you do that, but at least you leave us a decent amount of pride to hold on to. at least we wouldn't be waiting for DAYS and checking the goddamn phone every MINUTE even though it hasn't made a single sound or texting or calling ourselves just to check that the phone lines are okay.

but if you go and say something like that, and not follow through. WOW. JUST WOW. you have now unlocked a new level of being an ASS. i guess manners are not taught in jerk university. not surprising though, NO ONE would pass that class.

plus, i'd prolly even have respect for you if you told me straight up "okay. bye".

too bad. now i have no respect for you. and i have no respect for me. which makes me hate you even more. i though i'd be less mad when i let this all out. 

whoops. guess not.

FUCK YOU.

two hundred-seventy fifth.

dear (k)you,

wow. 

i just can't. no words could express what i want to say right now, so bear with it.

remember all i said about the douchebag about he's such a surprise? 

well i FUCKING TAKE IT ALL BACK.

HE IS A DOUCHEBAG FOREVER. ACTUALLY, HE'S AN EVEN BIGGER DOUCHEBAG FROM BEFORE! BECAUSE HE KNOWINGLY HELD MY HEART AND CLOBBERED IT UNTIL IT CAN'T EVEN BE DIFFERENTIATED WITH MY PRIDE, AND SMEARED IT ALL OVER THE FLOOR IN THE WORDS: I'M THE MAN BITCH.

at least if he were the douchebag i thought he was, he would have just ignored me completely. still a blow, but come on, i could probably recover from that with my heart and most of my salvaged pride.

but now, i don't even have either. you can't even differentiate one from the other.

it's just. wow.

universe - 10 ; me - 0

 

two hundred-seventy fourth.

dear (k)you,

just when i think i've hit rock bottom, universe decides to say "oh, no that's not rock bottom, this is." BAM!

i mean really? really? how many times do i have to try and put myself out there and get clobbered before i either give up or catch a break?

because i don't want to give up. really. i don't. but i don't wanna keep doing this. it's hard.

it's sad.

i know i should just get up and move on from all this. not expect too much from that douchebag. but the thing is, i want to. i want him to surprise me one more time and be all like, no, i'm not what you think. 

but i guess not. he's exactly what i think.

well played douchebag. well played.

two hundred-seventy third.

dear (k)you,

universe - 4 : me - 0

this is not a fun game.

two hundred-seventy second.

dear (k)you,

i am not going to make this lengthy. nothing would change anyway.

universe-2 : me-0 

i would think nothing could make me feel lousier, but i'm going to preempt this and say that things WILL get lousier.

to the douchebag, my friend said to take you by surprise. i don't think anything i've done has taken you by surprise as of yet, but... who said i was going to give up?

pride's on the floor anyway, what's left to save?

ps: on the other hand, i wish the douchebag would stop surprising me. he needs to stop.

two hundred-seventy first.

dear (k)you,

referring to the previous post, and because it's me, i have made a somewhat dramatic thing about the whole douchebag issue. listed some of the things i liked about him, while cursing OAO and the universe, begging those two entities to let me forget about him.

but of course, i had to do something stupid. i dunno if i ever mentioned it, but i was finally able to wheedle out the douchebag's contact details from the old friend. at the time of wheedling, i wasn't maybe thinking straight and i really had no intention of texting him ever! i ended up staring at the goddamn number, allowing me to memorize it. pft. anyway, as said, i wasn't going to do anything about the newly gained information. for several reasons:

1. how the hell am i supposed to start the conversation anyway?

2. as i have mentioned to the old friend, when he so callously asked me if i had texted the douchebag already and told me why the hell did i ask for it anyway, hard as it may seem, i am still a girl, an i don't want to come across as totally aggressive.

3. the douchebag being who he is, prolly knows a lot of girls like him. and doing so would just give him the confirmation that i do like him, and i am like all those girls lined up, waiting for him. (insert me mumbling "asshole")

4. it's me. i am BOUND to mess it up.

with said reasons. i was content on really just forgetting about it. but of course, i had to start talking to my friend, who, let's just make it short, was able to force? convince? me to go to the dark side. and because i was curious.

long story short, i ended up texting him tuesday night. i don't want to go into details about how it started, and how it went.

to sum it all up, he was nice enough to reply. very passive, but enthusiastic. my friend said he could be warming up. (YES FUCK IT, I TOLD MY FRIEND ABOUT IT. I WAS SPILLING EVERY DETAIL LIKE I AM FUCKING 16 YEARS OLD) anyway, come thursday morning, i was starting to get elated and giddy. his replies were starting to get longer, and well. i dunno. it's been a long time since i've had a conversation like this, i don't even know what to make of it. but then POOF. he just didn't reply anymore. in the middle of a conversation. he just stopped.

so you can imagine all sorts of thoughts running through my brain right now. it's not fucking overdrive, and i'm tired. i mean, i want to tell myself, and shout at myself, that what the fuck? a few text messages doesn't mean he likes you! don't be stupid, the fact that he didn't reply means he doesn't like you! the fact that you were forgettable means DUH he doesn't like you.

i hate myself for letting me think that he COULD like me. HE DOESN'T LIKE ME (of course me writing these things, there is that small spark of hope, wishing that i could be dead wrong) but no. i want to squash it away. in his words, i just needed to satisfy my curiosity. this ends now.

but before that, maybe i want to add a few things to the list on the previous post:

1. homebody. i don't know if i would believe this really. but according to him, since he wakes up freakishly early in the morning to "exercise" and waste away at work the rest of the day. he gets tired and goes home and sleeps early. and goes out only on weekends. i highly suspect, but well, for a recluse like me, i was surprised and, it made me smile.

2. game of thrones. okay. so i am not a fan of the show. fucking story makes me fall asleep in 3, 2, 1. it's more of the fact that it surprised me that he watched it. i always thought he was shallow. guess not that much.

3. the excessive? use of :), :)), and !!. maybe it's all part of his plan to seduce and humor girls. but fuck him. it worked.

so there. maybe i should stop with this. 

why the fuck did he have to put his arms around me that night? why the fuck did he have to reply and humor me like this? why couldn't he just be the douchebag i know he is and just not reply? why did i allow myself to hope?

fuck hope.

two hundred-seventieth.

dear (k)you,

as mentioned in the previous post, the douchebag has been in my head for the time being. a year or so ago, this has happened. we met, i was taken, i tried, got dumped, felt heartbroken, told that he was too handsome for me and basically went down a notch on my self-esteem ladder. i might need to add that during this whole process, we only met once, amidst a group of people who were drunk (and i think we were also drunk ourselves). so yeah, it's a movie -- in my head.

so okay, school happened, clinics and all that shit i went through, managed to get him off my mind finally. of course there were the sporadic thoughts, but none enough to fuel anything. i mean yknow, once people tell you that you're not really his type and he's too pretty for you, you kinda get the idea. not to mention he doesn't remember you.

and fast forward to now. a few months back (YES FUCKING MONTHS), i had a few drinks with some friends, and he happened to be there. yes. again. and somehow he managed to rouse up all these stupid feelings i have been imagining. YES. I AM GOING TO START REFERRING TO THEM AS MY IMAGINATION, BECAUSE REALLY, WHAT ARE THEY? the things i saw that night were not enough to make me fall in love, but they were not even close to making me hate him either. there were so many things about him that i like in a guy. and i'm not just saying this because i was dictating my brain to like him. i mean, there were genuine things that i liked:

1. tattoo. i generally like people with tattoos. i mean, i don't like it when people look down on others when they find out that they have tattoos. and the fact that he's got a pretty big one on his left arm, i think it's safe to assume he's not a tatto snob.

2. height. duh. i like tall guys. period.

3. earrings. this is a really gray area, because i don't like piercings in general. not to facial metal. but ears are okay. and i hadn't realized he had them up until he sat beside me. okay so i hate the big round black ones. and the big stretchy kind. i think they're dirty (yeah, coming from someone who likes tattooed bodies) and weird. but then there's that kind, that when done perfectly, makes a guy look classy (yeah, fucking deal with the word) and sexy. and he had a perfect pair on. it took me by surprise. he looked even hotter than he already was. plus the fact that they matched mine.

4. freckles. i hadn't realized i found them hot, until, yes he sat beside me. i generally like guys with perfect skin. uhm, duh, you. but he had a drunk look, and his face was all red and freckly. and it made it look nice. like he's not really that perfect guy they said he was. like he wasn't really that handsome that he couldn't level off with me.

5. voice. he has an ugly voice i think. but one that i cannot help not hearing now. the last time i saw him, i couldn't remember his voice. but now, i keep hearing it.

6. shoes. his shoes had laces on them. and i think they were nice. not the loafer kind, or the sneaker kind, or the boat shoes kind. they were the long, kinda pointy dress shoes with laces. and it was nice. the fact that i ended up putting his shoes on him lowered my level by 5 notches, but what the hell. i got to see his shoes that night.

i am hoping that by writing these things i get to let it all out and it's going to help get rid of him here. but well in reality, this post is going on full rage hate on myself, because i really want to get over him. not to think about him anymore. i am back where i was a year ago. and i don't like it. i may have liked it before, but i don't now. i think this is taking me lower than i ever was when i was dealing with the little boy. and that's saying something. the little boy was the poster child for my rock bottom self esteem.

i am going to forget and stop thinking about him already. i may start imagining things again, but there would be a conscious effort not to hope anymore. i think that's what OAO wants anyway. i need to stop making him the star of my fucking fantasies.

because like i said before, if he wanted something to happen. anything, there would have been so many opportunities already. but it seems like he's living his life as he was before i ever came into the picture. and he's going to be okay when i get out of it. like i ever was part. 

so i'm just going to humor you with one last phrase that has maybe kept me going on for so long than it was necessary.

"... and your arm felt nice wrapped around my shoulder. and i had a feeling that i belonged." 

bye, m.

two hundred-sixty ninth.

dear (k)you,

i've been trying to get the douchebag out of my head for quite sometime now. and i think my stupid heart doesn't want to. so i think writing to you would help, actually i think it will put an end to it already.

i don't even know why i hang on to him so much. there wasn't a connection. i know i made it all up in my head. in my desperate attempt to get out of this rut i've put myself in, i have resorted to making things up in my head. and i hate myself for using the douchebag as the star of this so called fantasy.

OAO, I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT HIM ANYMORE. REALLY. I DON'T WANT TO FILL MY HEAD and heart WITH SILLY THOUGHTS. BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WON'T ALLOW IT. 

yes. this time, i know you won't allow it. it's just not how things work. because it's me.

but since i'm already letting things out, let me just say that there's also this little part of me that would like to ask you nicely, if maybe, you could pull some strings and throw cupid in our paths. it worked once. maybe, you know, you could make it work again. i think i'm a nice enough person to deserve love already.

just saying. putting it out there finally. and letting it stay there.

and to the douchebag, i'd just like to say, since you've been bugging me, and this song's been on constant repeat ever since i heard it...

"you light up the room. and you won't even know. it's all i can do, to leave you alone... oh, my darling to know you know me, it's enough."

and to me, "i loathe you"

and to (k)you, thank you for putting up with me. 

two hundred-sixty eighth.

dear (k)you,

okay. i just need to get this off my system before i do anything else to prepare for my sorta big day tomorrow. i don't know if i ever ranted to you about this friend of mine who would always get her way. and not just that, she would always get it, the FUCKING EASY WAY. 

case in point, when we were both young, we both wanted to become doctors. grades-wise, i was always higher than her. when we were both applying for university, i ended up having a gradepoint average higher than her. but since it was a prestigious university, i ended up in a program that wasn't so pretty. she didn't. few weeks passed by, she managed to pull some strings, and she fucking ended up in a degree course that was straight up road to medicine. WITHOUT FUCKING TRYING. 

I HAD TO FUCKING WORK MY ASS OFF TO GET FUCKING HIGH GRADES SO I COULD SHIFT OUT OF MY FUCKING DEGREE PROGRAM AND GO TO A MORE SOPHISTICATED ONE. AND I FUCKING ENDED UP IN THAT HELL I WENT THROUGH. SEVEN FUCKING HARD YEARS THROUGH HELL. AND NOW THAT I AM FINALLY DONE WITH IT... she's done with her second degree. and acting all high and mighty cause she's a fucking doctor.

WELL GUESS WHAT BITCH, I'M A DOCTOR TOO. SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T THINK YOU'RE EASY LITTLE ASS WILL BE ABLE TO HANDLE WHAT I WENT THROUGH.

so yeah, in hindsight i guess i was lucky. you, and OAO and the rest of my batchmates would know how much strength, courage and hardwork was put in for me to earn this degree. and sure, she may have two of those fucking degrees. and sure she has a more fancy title. but i wouldn't trade it for anything. i learned so much more. i gained so much more from life than she ever did.

fuck. all she did was study and stay up all night. i did that. plus all that shit clinics put me through.

so yeah. you're my friend and i love you. but right now.

FUCK YOU.

two hundred-sixty seventh.

dear (k)you,

there are a lot of things that need to be written, but, at least for the time being, i choose not to write about it. maybe because, as my friend said, there are more important things. 

but do not be fooled that what i am about to rant(?) about is more important than said topic-i-do-not-want-to-talk-about -- it's prolly not even close, but i just think i need to get this out, more for my own good.

so, the kid, interestingly enough, he's got enough school spirit as rock. and add to that the fact that this semester, they have the chillest schedule ever (think, 5 days half day :/), you have the perfect recipe for an out of school youth. the kid hardly ever goes to school! comes in a little late, leaves at the most 15mins after class, and doesn't for the life of him attend any school activity.

now, i've been told quite harshly that i invest too much on my "crushes". yes, i do. come on, you are the biggest proof of that. and what makes me real sad is that, i don't even know the kid. we do not even look at each other (it's just me looking at him). and i really don't like this set up. either i get to know him, at least as acquaintances who MIGHT have a chance at something, or i quit him entirely.

...kinda hoping its the former.

today wasn't much help either, since he was in school when he wasn't supposed to (before you ask "how is that possible when his school spirit is nada?", the kid being the OSY he is, has lagged in his requirements and has to take extra classes). anyway, his presence took me by surprise. and all throughout the night, i kept seeing people who reminded me of him. the random guy with the ugly gf, the drummer and that guy driving beside my ride. 

ugh. the kid is not even that good looking.

two hundred-sixty sixth.

dear (k)you,

sooner or later i had to write something about this. 

okay so here's the thing. there's this new guy in school. let's say for the moment we call him "the kid", cuz yeah, what else will you call a first year when you're on your nth year?

anyway, the kid. the kid is all counts of jerk. kinda follows the footsteps of the little boy. but whatever, he's got all the makings of a head turner. being tall like that, duh. pretty obvious fact. i think he's kinda taller than the little boy.

well anyway. he's been blinking in my radar for a pretty long time already. and it's irritating me. because, like i said he's got all counts following the little boy's footsteps. and fuck, we all know what kind of road that leads to.

but see, the difference between the kid and the little boy, is that the kid piqued my interest because he reminded me so much of a certain person.

who you ask?

you.

yeah. 5 plus years sober from you and now i'm back. fuck.

technically i was sober from you. it really was years that i never really thought about you in that way. i got this journal thing going, but it was like you were a poster i was talking to yknow? more of just going through the motions.

but now, it's sort of back. because of the kid.

see, i knew right when i saw him that he was trouble. didn't like him for a while, because he was so much like the little boy. but when the fucking little boy disappeared, the kid started reminding me of you.

sucks.

and now he's like this itch at the back of my head.

two hundred-sixty fifth.

dear (k)you,

so. i sincerely hope that i am over reacting right now. and that i am being paranoid like hell. but see, it's my friend's birthday today. and we have this group chat thing where some of us greeted her. and she said thank you to every single one... except me.

okay sure. there might be a myriad of reasons why she didn't that doesn't involve her hating on me. but see, we also have this friend we have, who we kinda have a falling out with. and we usually do that to her. i mean, not react to things that she says on the group chat. and i think i'm so paranoid of being like her.

i mean, i cannot for the life of me think of any reason why the hell i'd be treated like our grandma friend. since the last time we saw each other was about a few weeks ago, and we parted ways really good.

so i don't know. i think my messages just don't appear on her phone? a similar thing happened too. ugh. 

this is so frustrating.

add to the fact that i did something stupid on the game i was playing. and the show i'm watching is being a bith and doesn't want to download properly. and the thought of the foreigner is bugging my LIKE HELL.

ugh. 

frustrating.

two hundred-sixty fourth.

dear (k)you,

so funny thing happened today. i'd like to call it fate. my heart truly, truly wants to call it fate. but well, we'll go with funny.

anyway, so my friend and i were walking, about to eat. just a normal thing for us. well actually no. it was a weird time, because both us barely ate lunch, and both of us didn't have patients that day, so we kinda decided to eat at an off hour.

so again, anyway, we were walking in the mall right beside our university. the mall i've eaten lunch at for the past 8 years of my life. and guess who just fucking happens to pass by?

yeap. the foreigner. and i quote, "of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, (s)he walks into mine" or in his words, "man the chances of that happening"

FUCK. this is so fucked up. i actually came into terms that i wouldn't see him this whole visit. i made a promise to myself, that if he makes good on his promise to have a drink with me (like he'd ever, but on the off chance that he does), i'd come up with a stupid excuse to get out of it.

and i finally felt that it was going to happen, since i think he's leaving already. but i had to run into him. 

in my uniform.

and i chickened out. i couldn't even say hi.

how pathetic is that? 

i. couldn't. even. say. hi.

what are the chances that i'd ever get to see him again? 

never.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
never.

two hundred-sixty third.

dear (k)you,

well, today is the first day of a new year. i just thought i should write in here, even though i'm not really the type to post new year posts. lol.

anyway, the past year was a bit better, it may have not been MY year, but it was a better one than the crap 2012 i had. big events happened this year in my life, and i'd like it if OAO would let me go a step further. lol.

speaking of big events, the foreigner, incidentally, is here. we're actually in the same time zone right now, though he is with his 'awesome' girl. ps: please note the '' on the word awesome. i refuse to acknowledge her awesomeness. right, now i'm spewing nonsense.

anyway, this year, i still have the same new year's wishes. though, i wish for you to meet me- and fall madly in love. lol. impossible i know, but well, OAO could get tired of me praying for these things, he might actually have a random wave of soft heartedness towards me and just grant me my wish. lol. yeah, that'll be the day.

anyway. enough of this. all i really wanted to say was "happy new year!" <3 b="" nbsp="">