hundred-eighty fourth.

dear (k)you,

so, this afternoon got me thinking... should i finally let you read this blog? i know i said i went through high measures to make sure you don't find this, and even if you do find it, that you wouldn't have the slightest clue that this is dedicated to you.

silly me. i just realized, that i needn't change names, omit dates and all that. i have done the single thing to make sure you do not read, much less understand this blog. 

yes. i am fucking writing in english. no, scratch that, i am fucking writing using LETTERS! 

BOOM! after a staggering 184 entries, i only realize this fact now.

it's so stupid! of course you won't even glance at this, YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND A SINGLE THING.  

but going back to the original question... should i finally let you read this?

and if i do decide to let you read this, next question is: how do i let you read it?

아마도 ... 이것은 시작이 될 수 있습니다, 조규현니~ :)

ps: thanks to my friend google translate.

hundred-eighty third.

dear (k)you,

so i did make an entry earlier this evening. and this blog-thing-website doesn't want to cooperate. pity. it was one of those posts wherein i had a pinch of eloquence and it actually made sense. 

but like i said. pity. i totally forgot what i wrote, even if it was barely 3 hours ago. it was one of those posts, where i literally wrote my emotions (God knows i have a lot of those). 

i remember though, posting a photo with it. something like a cute colorful-artsy checklist of things to do with a special someone.

and i think i remember writing, "oh what i would give to do at least one of these things with you"

and i stand by what i wrote.

sigh. you are the death of me. seriously.

oh. i am reading a sorta-blog by a former school mate, it's sorta like this crap i'm doing, only difference is hers is based on real experiences, real people. and much much much better written than this sorry excuse of a blog.

but, if i may say so, the emotions involved in making these entries are real. that much i can say.

hundred-eighty second.

dear (k)you,

see, that (this) is precisely the reason why i do not look out for news about you! okay, so i have this new juvenile crush on someone, so stalker me decided to see if he has a girlfriend. he doesn't (if you must know), but i learned that he likes to look at girls' faces and he wants them to be pretty, so that pretty much ruins my chances with him. oh and that he's had 2 girlfriends. lucky bitches. 

anyway, since i got my answer to that question, my scumbag brain thought 'hey, i wonder if HE has a girlfriend' and i try to stalk it out with my limited resources. i was doing all of this, if i may add, while sweating profusely and my heart doing irregular beats.

so yeah, this is why i do not like looking out for news about you. because i get so tensed up. cuz, if you do have a girlfriend, that's the end of it. i will no longer have an excuse. of course, it's just a girlfriend, but still, i'm not that kind of girl. i usually back off when there is someone. no matter how unserious or undeserving the girl may be or how much i am head over heels the guy, i just back off. 

thank God you don't have a girlfriend.  you had one (or two) before, but well, what i'm concerned of is the present. and right now, nil.

and please keep it that way for another 5 years or so, just until i make my way to where you are.

and just because, to my other crush, please do the same. cuz honestly, right now, you 2 are the only people i would do ANYTHING for.

and when i say ANYTHING, i mean ANYTHING.

God i am so crazy. i should be locked up or something.

hundred-eighty first.

dear (k)you,

okay. i am now, officially, profoundly and irreversibly screwed up. i really don't know what's wrong with me. i know, i know, i probably just don't have enough faith in my friends, but, see, i don't like being left out. and i fell that with them. with her. she just has this way of making me feel so left out. like i'm not even her friend. and she has a way of making them follow suit, hence, not being my friend anymore. i just wish i had something to take my mind off it. a distraction. because i really can't live like this, you know, trying to make conversations with them, and not get anything out of it.

i wish i could just live in my head you know. it's so much happier there. i have you there, i have my other happy crushes there too. and them, and you are all happily smitten with me. it's all the opposite of here.

OAO, if this is your way of doing things, then i must have been the luckiest person in the world in my past life. i must have been the happiest. cuz seriously, in this lifetime, you're raking it all in. this is prolly the pay-back lifetime eh?

i was prolly a queen or an empress or something. cuz this. this is... 

i'm okay. i'm just not happy. 

i can't explain it you know, i'm okay, i'm satisfied, i'm not complaining, it's just that, at the same time, i'm not complete. i mean, i love my family, my friends (well i do, they just don't feel the same way), my life in general (i mean, i will have a pretty solid future i think), so i'm not really a wash out, but i'm sad. it's just... sad.

hundred-eightieth.

dear (k)you,

so today i woke up from a very bad case of stomachache and to a very bad case of headache. and it sucks. i can't even relax properly with this throbbing behind my eyes. i refuse to believe it's migraine, since i don't get those. 

anyway. it's my last two weeks before i dive into depression hell once again. my "plan" for this vacation was a total bust, like i ever expected it to work anyway.

you're doing well i suppose. i've actually stopped looking for news about you. i'm just scared of what i might find out. i like you best in my head anyway.

wtf. that's just some scary stalker thoughts. 

it's the acetaminophen talking. (yeah, oldest trick in the book -- blame it on the drugs)

hundred-seventy ninth.

dear (k)you,

THIS.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/maybe-in-another-universe-i-deserve-you/

this is just something that kind of sums up you and me, kind of. i wish i could write something as beautiful as this. but well, with so much junk in my head, i don't think it could be possible. 

but anyway, say you did read the article, what if ne? what if there really was  a multi-universe out there, and there was at least one universe where we actually stood a chance with each other? what all those scenarios in my head aren't all imaginations, but a subconscious connection to my other multiverse selves and i just happen to be in one of those universes that do not end up with you? what if say, we really could be together?

i guess if i could know for certain, that there was at least one "me" that could be living happily with one of "you", i guess i'd be happy. very happy.

maybe there is a universe where i don't dream of running away to where you are. maybe there is a universe where you want to be with me, instead of me wanting you. maybe there is a universe where you could have loved me forever. and maybe in that universe, i let you.
 

hundred-seventy eighth.

dear (k)you,

hallo. i just came back from a trip with my friends, so i didn't think of you much. sorry. i guess there's just something about my house that reminds me of you. or maybe it's just the alone-ness that leads my scumbag brain to think of you very often. more often than what is healthy.

so anyway, an eighth of the reason i went on the trip was actually to look for something to fill this stupid void in my heart. unfortunately, it did not. for the most part, it prolly even made it worse. all the more i want to look for you, or someone like you.

while on a road trip during the escapade, i heard this song, i prolly shared it to you already, since it sorta embodies my whole obsession with you, in a less freakish manner (cause believe me, there is a song that is freakily about you, but we'll save that for a rainy day). anyway, it says:

"...you know that i could use somebody. someone like you and all you know and how you speak... you know that i could use somebody... someone like you... off in the night while you're living it up, i'm off to sleep... i hope it's gonna make you notice, someone like me..."

basically, it goes something like that. i really could. really. if OAO could just give me a break.

but he prolly won't until i become a better person, and i am so far from being one. why the hell am i such a bad person anyway? karma has got it lined up for me, prolly consecutive life sentences.

i do have a back-up plan though. i'm more or less going to earn more than the average joe, so i am really going to get myself a child. one way or another.

scary thoughts i know, but well, it's a scary world nowadays anyway, baby you better get used to it.

hundred seventy-seventh.

dear (k)you,

i think i should be buried alive, no, something worse than that. i have the worst faith in my friends. it turns out, they didn't really "desert" me yesterday, it was all in my head (my mind is really dangerous when it's been alone the whole time). apparently, it was really nothing, they are just like that, my friends are NOT clingy people. 

i shouldn't be too. no one ever liked being clingy. and usually, those rare people that do, are... well... complete assholes (yes exboyfriend i am looking at you)

i guess all this being lonely just made me feel like i need someone to be with me. 

fuck. i hate that this ended up here. AGAIN. is there ever an end to this self-pitying that i do?

i guess not. so OAO is prolly laughing His mighty ass (i am so going to hell for this) off watching me. and He's prolly not going to give me what i want until i stop it with all this drama.

believe me, i do. i really do want to stop this!

but to my scumbag brain, Y U ALWAYS THINK OF HIM WHO I'LL NEVER HAVE.

scumbag brain, scumbag heart. 

ps: this is the first time i actually did 2 entries on successive days, after a very, very, very, very long time! hooray for me! 

hundred seventy-sixth.

dear (k)you,

today, i am actually very sad. i really don't know why. i probably underestimate my friends, but i just can't help feeling that way. maybe because i'm too paranoid of being alone. or she just has her special way of making people feel very very left out. but whatever the case, right now, i feel so lonely. 

funny thing though, i never felt this way about my other friends, just to them. fuck. i am such a terrible person. or maybe because i'm just feeling mighty guilty for what happened. because i purposely did this. it's prolly the guilt talking right now. 

if i could really just fast forward everything. i really want to leave this place. seriously, there is nothing here that would make me want to stay besides my family. and let's face it, if i become filthy fucking rich, i can just relocate them all. 

what have i become eh? everything i ever thought NOT to be. i'm this age, with no job, no fucking diploma, no self-esteem, no faith, no happiness, no brains, no talent, no special someone...

i can go on and on about how pitiful i am, but it'd prolly make you think so bad of me already. i've prolly made you hate me even before you actually meet me. 

this is hopeless.

hundred seventy-fifth.

dear (k)you,

it's been a while huh? i actually told myself i would TRY my best to forget, rather, push you out of my life mind. but well, when did my plans ever go right anyway? but to my credit, i almost succeeded (for more than a month or so). see, i went to this vacation, to the city where dreams are made, and i fell in love. for a moment, i wanted to literally leave everything behind and run away. OAO knows how many people have run away and took refuge in that city anyway, i wouldn't be much of a difference.

oh and i shouldn't regret to mention that i also fell in love with a human being (yes, i am capable of doing that too, even though he is as much, if not more, unattainable as you are, but whatever). see, you know that i have this sick attachment to the number 17 right? and well, i saw him, with that number, so yeah, basically my scumbag brain interpreted it as us (him and me) being meant to be and shit, and started making up all these bizarre situations that we magically fall in love with each other in the city where i want to build the rest of my life. so yeah, of course OAO isn't going to be one-upped by my brain, and i ended up back here, home, probably less of a person as i was when i started the trip.

the good thing though was that for a while i seem to have forgotten you. HAH. see i am capable of doing it, albeit a short time. but yeah. and then i had to go and look at stupid pictures of you, and look at old videos of you i had shoved in somewhere. and my scumbag heart started that weird beat thing again. so yeah. fuck me.

ps: i did get a new laptop though. this is my first time writing to you in it, so yay! baptism of.. hm, let's call him "gyu". just because.

pps: so i tell myself, welcome back. 

ppps: this is the 175th post. which eerily feels like hunger games-ish. meh. may the odds be ever in my favor. pft.