hundred-sixty eighth.

dear (k)you,

so yeah. it's a few days before the new year and i guess, well... nothing much has changed. i'm still overly obsessed with the idea of you.

anyway, funny thing, i know i've always said stupid stuff like that, but well, a few weeks ago, was the first time that i actually had a dream about you. yeah. it was very clear, vivid for someone who hasn't seen you in quite sometime (1 year 8 months 11 days but yeah who's counting). yeah. it was very vivid, and you were singing to me (yeah, typical) and then all of a sudden, you're asking me to marry you (yeah, let me just point out that right now, dream me is screaming to the heavens why this has to be a fucking dream), and then since OAO can't even make me enjoy the damn dream, you drop the ring and we go looking for it around the, and this is where it gets funny again, fountain of my high school's gym (let me just point out that i graduated high school around 5 years ago and they already took that gym down to be replaced), and then, i get to find the ring, and it's a mommy (meaning bigger) version of the ring that i always wear. and then you take it from me with that smile of yours and yeah...

i wake up. but well, it was okay, cuz dork that i am, i was smiling after that. and i swore i was going to write about it, but yeah, school got the better of me, AGAIN.

but i'm writing about it now. kekeke. so there. heart.

oh, and another thing happened to me. a few days ago, this cousin of one of my bffs died. and it sucks you know, since i kinda had this crush on him. he had that "you" look. so yeah. still can't get over it though since he was about my age too.

yeah.

so this'd prolly be my last post for the year. God i hope the next year will be better.

and this time i really sincerely mean and hope it will.

.forever alone.jpeg kekekeke

hundred-sixty seventh.

dear (k)you,

so yeah, it's 2 days before i go on vacation. screw the days that i will miss in school. i deserve this vacation. kekeke. so yeah anyway, as you know, i know have the privilege of treating real people (can you believe that? yeah, unlucky for the patients). and well, i don't know if it's the same with you guys, but here in this hell hole, we have this thing with first stars, wishing on the first star that you see, and well, i've developed this habit of wishing that you and i be together.

i know, creepy huh? i guess it was just infatuation before, and then it became a habit that i couldn't (or maybe wouldn't) break. but stress about this stupid course finally forced me to break this creepy habit of mine. kekeke

yeah, instead of me wishing with all my might to ANYTHING that might actually heed me that you and i get together, i wish that i finish all my requirements and that i graduate on time. fat chance at the rate i'm going but well, i'm known to make it in the nick of time, so i leave it to OAO (come to think of it, i don't bother OAO about you and me anymore, it's mostly these patients)

now don't be hurt. you know that deep down, i still hope. yeah. cuz that's all i can do.

hundred-sixty sixth.

dear (k)you,

today was day 1. and man, was it craaazy. i'm so scared like hell, i can't even begin to comprehend it. i know that this is all part of it (i mean, it's always the first step that's the hardest, but seriously, i can't even begin to imagine how i'm supposed to do all those things).

it took me 2 hours to do something that other can do in 10 minutes. so how the hell am i going to do a normally 2 hours procedure?

but anyway, i'm appealing to you now (since starting now, i'm gonna be having a lot more time just staring into space, so might as well write), please be my lucky charm again. seriously, it's crazy.

hundred-sixty fifth.

dear (k)you,

i just think that i at least owe you the news: i made it :)

maybe now i can feel better about myself.
i do know that this change in my life would be very hard, after all life is a bitch and not a slut. but at least now, i am more than just a student. i'm definitely on my way to becoming what i would be.

it's scary at first, yes, but everything starts of scary anyway. i will get through, just as i got through the past 5 (okay maybe 2 and a half) years.

and yes, you'll still be making an appearance, no matter what.

until that day comes.

which day... well it'll depend on which would come first. kekek

but anyway. thank you. my lucky charm :)

hundred-sixty fourth.

dear (k)you,

heh. i'm cheating right now. i'm on my last 2 official days already (i have another day next week, but well, we'll get to that).

anyway, this is it. moment of truth. after these next 2 weeks i guess.

i will get through right? i will.

btw, i kinda miss you. hope you're doing fine.

ps: i haven't had decent sleep for almost a week now. yay.

hundred-sixty third.

dear (k)you,

how are you doing? i've been busy, but well, not as busy as i should be. keke. anyway. i guess you're doing well since i haven't heard news about you. although, honestly, the reason i haven't is because, well, i stopped... before you get all hurt and all, it's not because i stopped caring (God knows that isn't very possible in the near, or far, future), but i've come to realize it's because i'm too scared of the news that i might hear.

yeah. even though i have no effin right over you, i'm scared that you might go crazy and suddenly announce that you're seeing this girl, just like the first love. i mean, i'm pretty sure that you do have a girl hidden somewhere, but there's a difference if you are openly announcing you're relationship as opposed to hiding her. not that it should matter to me right? but well. it's just like that.

so yeah. i know that there's also that possibility that you aren't (maybe you guys aren't allowed-- in which case i thank your bosses for that), but i hope the odds are in my favor. i'm going hunger games on you huh. oh well. i should really start studying now.

hell starts now. i guess i'll see you in 2 months time. hopefully then, things will start to look brighter for me. fingers crossed.

hundred-sixty second.

dear (k)you,

i should be studying now, but i'm cheating just so i can post this...

so last night i found out that my first love already has a girlfriend, and well, i'm happy and sad at the same time. not like i ever had a chance with him anyway, but well, it's just sad knowing that he's with a girl that i would want him to be with. kekeke.

you on the other hand... i know you prolly have some secret girl stashed somewhere so that i can't (won't) find out, but well, i won't put effort in trying to find out.

i'm actually preparing for my visit there to where you are. i'm serious this time. i need to go there and stay there for as long as and find a romance. i don't care if its with you or another person.. you guys look the same anyways.

but i still hope its you. i'm being incoherent again. that's what 2 servings of black coffee can do to you. i can't even write properly. >.<

hundred-sixty first.

dear (k)you,

i guess i'm just being overly emotional, and maybe it is that time of the month for me already, but anyway, to put it simply, these days, i'm very (very, very, very, very) depressed. and it didn't help (actually, i think it was the trigger) that another one of my classmates would be migrating.

why is everyone migrating so suddenly?

the truth is, i'm very sad here. school makes me very sad as is. my classmates don't actually help. it's also not helping that i think, to put it bluntly, so ugly that no guy in his right mind would look at me. and that i'm freakass insecure with every girl around me. and that i'm not doing so well in school. and that i've been studying for 6 years already and i still don't have a fucking diploma, so i can't even escape this hell hole i'm in.

they say that i'm so negative about it, but this isn't where i pictured myself now. i never pictured myself to be so lonely, and sad, and pathetic. i mean, all i do is study, and i don't even get good grades.

honestly, i just can't catch a break. for 6 years already, i just can't seem to catch a break.

i'm miserable in my school. i'm miserable in this forsaken country. i'm miserable with my life.

i'm such a little ray of sunshine aren't i?

OAO can't even give me a break, not even hasten time (actually i think You're deliberately making it slow down just to spite me-- but then again, that's Your favorite hobby anyway right?) but i mean come on. can't 68 days fly by? just the 68 days.

but of course. knowing OAO.

and just because i'm feeling mighty depressed: my answer to the question "who's "OAO"? is this:

"oh. you know when you want something so so so bad and you close your eyes and wish with all your might that somehow you'll be able to get what you want and be happy? OAO is the guy who ignores you."

hundred-sixtieth.

dear (k)you,

i've been hearing this song lately (no, actually too much already), and even though the whole point of the song isn't so very "us", i've realized that there's this one particular line that's constantly bugging in my mind, making me NOT study and NOT concentrate and NOT do anything productive. so yeah. lemme tell you what the song is about first (cuz a certain classmate of mine said that it's logical and common sense to state and define the big picture first before anything else... just saying)

aaanyway.. the song is about these 2 lovers (alright, right smack there, this make it NOT us already *bitterbitterbitter*), who are living far apart form each other, and the time difference is making them crazy since, one wakes up when the other sleeps. so yeah. it's actually the story of my best friend, but what the hell. i wanna own it too.

at least. in my mind. heh. when did it ever NOT occur there anyway?

aaanyway.. on to the line (what a long introduction. seriously, i should tone down on the ranting and focus more on NOT ruining my life)

"what time is it where you are? i miss you more than anything... it's getting lonely living upside down, i don't even want to be in this town"

so there. and there's another song that's been on constant loop in my phone too.

"i've been high, i've been low... i've been yes, and i've been OH HELL NO... won't you save me, san francisco?"

imma call you san francisco from now until maybe tom. heh.

hundred-fifty ninth.

dear (k)you,

one of my friends gave me some words of wisdom about why i am still miserably single: "you're single because you do not open yourself to other guys."

and i was like.... "fuck. YEAH."

i mean, tonight, i felt like rapunzel. with my hair growing extra lengths because literally, there were guys lining up just to talk to us.

but in the end, here i am, still talking to you. and no matter how many compliments those guys give me. i still want someone like you.

i still want you.

so yeah. here's to me...

being miserably single. fuck.

hundred-fifty eighth.

dear (k)you,

it's been a while eh? feels like it's been months, when in reality, it's only been 5 weeks and few so days since i started school. the next 89 days (since today is ending already), will be stressful. i just know it. we haven't received the results of the first wave yet, but i'm pretty scared. for one, i took one of the exams with a fever. yeah. school is starting to take a toll on me, and i haven't even made it pass first wave.

i'm actually not making sense now. but i'm missing you so bad. rather, my brain misses having to think about you. i really hope you're well. and i really wish (hope, pray, beg) that some higher magic is at work to bring us together.

it could happen! anything could happen.

imma come back when i'm a little more coherent. i just wanna say i miss you.

hundred-fifty seventh.

dear (k)you,

so i'm sick right now. this isn't really a good time to be sick, but it really is the lesser of many other evils. anyway, it's my 3rd week of school, and what have you, i'm already starting what the sunbaes call "3-1" way of life, which is basically no sleeping and studying, eating, napping, waking up to study some more. and just to re-iterate how gruesome this semester is, even our professors have a special name for students at this stage. i mean, i already had an idea about how this semester is roughly going to be, but hearing people, professors actually, say these kinds of things makes me scared shit. them having this special name for this students taking this semester, is enough to instill fear in anyone. right? fear of a name... yadda yadda yadda.

but anyway, that's what i have you for right? you can be my "fear-absorber". my friend said that this semester can be overcome by effective time management and, i think, non-fear. so you can help me with the non-fear part (since you won't really be a help with time management. if anything, you'll prolly worsen it kekeke)

and in any case, majority of students scrape pass this semester unscathed. and i know i'm part of the majority. if they can do it, so can i.

give it up for positive thinking eh?

hundred-fifty sixth.

dear (k)you,

this isn't about you.

everybody has a first love. and well, you weren't mine.

it's his birthday today... and since i haven't made an obsessive diary devoted to him, i'll put it here...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! to my first love <3

ps: you prolly thought you were my first love huh? well maybe that'll be a step down for you. keke.

hundred-fifty fifth.

dear (k)you,

so it's been a week of school already, and i feel like i've been going to school for a month. not a good sign if i want to survive this semester unscarred. but i will. so anyway, it's not only school that's being a pain, lately i've been having poor self-esteem levels. i mean, it's crazy. i know i'm not drop dead pretty and boys don't really like me for more than 5 seconds, but i dunno. i feel lonely.

so my friend (who's having the same issues as i am) and i were talking about why we think we repel boys. and we came into the conclusion that it's because we hang out at the wrong places and very, very rarely go out if that. but it's not like i can do anything about that! school is being such a hindrance cuz 1) my schedule does not even permit me to have free time at home and 2) my instruments are so freak ass expensive, i don't even have enough to get by. so yeah. we end up going out once in a blue moon and we hang out in cheap places where boys we like, or at least THINK (i say think because i don't think in hell we deserve them) are worthy of us, do not hang out at all.

but then i realized, there's another reason i do not have someone special. it's because when all is said and done, i know, that even if a guy presents himself in front of me, i wouldn't say yes still. because, even though i complain and sulk in my low self-esteem-ness... i still refuse, because yeah, i'm waiting for you. okay not you you, cuz let's face it, if i wait for you, i might as well not anymore. but anyway, i think i'm waiting for someone like you.

and someone like you isn't likely to be found here, even if i do hang out in a different place every freaking day.

so there. in the end, i still managed to pin my incapacity to attract the opposite sex on you...

i'm actually getting good at this don't you think?

hundred-fifty fourth.

dear (k)you,

so the day's winding down... today is my last vacation day, and tomorrow marks the first day of the dreaded semester. it's the semester everyone's afraid of. and i am scared out of my life for this semester too. but i know i can do this. i can scrape past this too and i will finally feel better about myself after 130 days. i've done 130 days before, and i know i can do this. i have OAO, daddy-o and of course you to get me past this. and i can finally feel better about myself.

i'm gooood.

i should have a bit more faith in my friends too. and myself.

hundred-fifty third.

dear (k)you,

23 years ago, something happened that wreaked havoc. kekeke. i was born. anyway, it's one of the saddest birthdays as i do not have anyone to celebrate it with :( so i thought i'd celebrate with you. even if you are miles away. you and me have been together on this earth for 23 years. i just hope the next years to come, we'd be next to each other.

... or not.

and cause of that... i have food for thought.

hundred-fifty second.

dear (k)you,

it's officially another month. i wish time flies. so that i can start ticking off days already. i wanna stop feeling sorry for myself. really. i think, instead of blaming them... i should be looking at myself. there must be a reason why i'm all alone. i'm not a very likeable person.

i wish i could get a fresh start. i just need a chance. but i won't have one. that much i'm sure of.

just like what the song said... i could really use a wish right now.

hundred-fifty first.

dear (k)you,

just because i have no one else to rant to... you have to do. there's nothing really up... i'm just feeling MIGHTY pissed at some people. i mean? really? WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THEM TRYING TO EXCLUDE ME??? i mean technically, they're not really excluding me, it just happens that way, BUT FUUUCK? the least they can do is reply right? FUCK this is exactly why i want to pack my bags and get on the next plane out of this hell hole!

i am just so sick and tired of trying to please people that don't matter! i mean really, they don't matter! i'm hating myself right now. i wanna drink right now, but i have no means to. i wanna drown my woes, but sadly, i'm reduced to drinking left over alcohol and pathetic juice. why can't i just run away? i need a reason to run away OAO. why can't you give me one?

i know why... i'll regret it later right? not getting that damned diploma will make me regret everything. even if i do not do what i spent FUCKING YEARS IN FUCKING COLLEGE FOR i'm gonna regret it. but thing is... can't they be at least nice to me?

i'm trying my best to be nice to them anyway, so why can't they? MEAN FUCKING SONS (okay daughters) OF BITCHES! okay so maybe that's waaay off line.

i wish THEY graduate already. and leave me be. no. i wish I GRADUATE ALREADY and then i can leave THEM FOREVER! hmph.

it's true when they say your true friends are found in high school. cuz college? ONLY HERE DOES COLLEGE SUUCK!

hundred-fiftieth.

dear (k)you,

so you prolly heard about it, since the world was talking about it... a few days ago some people predicted that it would be the end of the world. and i'm prolly the only non-believer who was actually disappointed that it didn't come true (okay so, i guess being disappointed means i AM a believer... but no not really. i can't explain it)

anyhoo.. i really wanted to say: world, you disappointed me. but i didn't want to risk people saying i was crazy enough to even hope that that stupid predication was actually true.

but see here, the only reason i wanted it to come true is... because i am a selfish brat. yes. i admit it. i only want the world to end because it's the only sane reason (although i'm not so sure about the sane part), or maybe excuse that i can actually end this bitter sadness that is my life. this morning, my best friend has migrated to the US already. and 3/4 of my heart is sad because she's physically gone, but the remaining 1/4 is bitter because, yes, i wish it were me! i wish i also had a ticket out of this hell aka my life. and the only ticket i can see is either 1) a winning lottery ticket (which WOULD NEVER HAPPEN) and 2) the end of the world (which as proven WOULD NEVER HAPPEN EITHER.

so to put it straight... me getting out of this hell hole. me getting out of this unhappiness. me being happy again...

WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.

oh yeah. i am such a little ray of sunshine no?

hundred-forty ninth.

dear (k)you,

arite, so about a week ago, i went to work in this convention for people like me. so, me and a couple of my friends were assigned to assist the technical committee and basically, me and my wonderful self that cannot seem to shut up landed myself the hardest job of all... talking to all the foreign speakers. okay so it's not really the hardest, i mean, i get to sit ALL day in a lounge while the rest of my friends run around... but see here, it's boring. waiting for the speakers to come and have their visual aids checked isn't exactly very exciting. so i was reduced to literally looking at my list of speakers, waiting for them to come. and as that is the case, i started giving notice to the speakers from your home country... and lo and behold, i actually recognized one! see remember that speaker from the previous convention i had that came from your school? turns out he's scheduled to speak at this convention also! so yeah, i patiently waited for him and when he did come... HA! i sold myself to him. yeap! i talked to him and became friendly, so that i can get a shot for post grad at his university... at your university. okay, so yeah, i realized that by the time i get there, you prolly have graduated already. but what the hell! not every fan girl can say they graduated from the same university as you! ha. but maybe i should just go to japan. hm.

hundred-forty eighth.

dear (k)you,

okay, so yesterday, the whole world was watching the "royal wedding". prince william, marries kate middleton. and funny thing happened, i was crying buckets! i mean what the hell is wrong with me? why would ANYONE cry on a wedding that's not theirs? LET ALONE A TOTAL STRANGER'S, miles and miles away.

of course, kate middleton isn't your typical bride, i mean, who wakes up and marries a prince? but for a fraction of a day, i was HELL JEALOUS. yeah, cuz she was so darn pretty! and happy! she had a fairy tale ending, and well it got my wandering...

... why do good things never happen to me? :(

ps: i don't need to marry a prince, i only need you. :(

hundred-forty seventh.

dear (k)you,

so yeah, i just found out one of my closest friends got engaged. she said it's been a while already, but they're keeping it a secret.

i know i should be a good friend and be happy for them, and i am actually, but i can't fully shake off that bitter feeling! i mean, last night, my baby cousin was being all curious and asking stuff like, "how old will you be when i'm x years old?" and then she got all depressed finding out that on her birthday, we're all old and she started worrying about people going to her party. and then one of my aunts go and say, "she (meaning me), may be old but at that time she probably has a baby already..."

and i was like... NAT! i mean i get it, i'm not really the type of girl ANY guy would want to have, let alone marry! back in the day, i can barely keep a guy interested in me for more than 5 seconds, nowadays, I'VE LOST THAT 5 SECONDS!

this is funny yes, but as early as now, i'm actually accepting my fate that maybe i am going to be without a partner (i say partner because no matter what i am still going to have a kid, with or without a partner)

so if i think about it, TECHNICALLY, what my aunt said is true.

oh what the fuck who am i kidding? i feel bad. period.

hundred-forty sixth.

dear (k)you,

SERIOUSLY! I HAVE TO WRAP YOU INSIDE BUBBLE WRAP!! DO NOT SCARE ME LIKE THAT (not that you care about my feelings but still). PLEASE BE CAREFUL! YOU ARE A WALKING ACCIDENT AND MY POOR HEART HURTS SEEING (okay hearing) THAT YOU ARE LOCKED UP IN A HOSPITAL AGAIN!

OAO, please oh please. keep him safe okay?

hundred-forty fifth.

dear (k)you,

how much of a loser am i really? i made this really really long post. and then boom! just like that it was gone. but i won't be deterred! actually i was, but then i thought, FUCK THIS! so i am going to try and write it again, from the heart. might not be as heartfelt as the original, but WHAT THE HELL I DON'T CARE!

so there. a lot's been happening to me lately. mostly, just to remind me what a loser i am.

1: so i was being bored to death by the internet when i accidentally came across... this thing. so i checked it out, and then boom! this guy is suddenly all over. in my dreams, everywhere. he is like the hottest thing EVER. hotter than you, i'm sorry. but yeah. and then it got me thinking, i could get over my freak ass obsession over you. maybe that was OAO's way of letting me "see" other people.

2: but no, i guess not. see you know i have this thing with makeup videos right? so i was doing my regular check of those i frequently view and then for some celestial reason, i check out this lady. i mean, on a normal day i wouldn't check her out since she had a low number of views, plus she had bad reviews, but i still did. i was getting bored with her, but i stuck through it and right smack in the middle of her 9minute video, i hear something. my favorite song of you, and i laughed out loud.

3: is prolly the worst. so yeah. my friend invited me to his finally-graduating party and since i am in over my head to go out, i said yes right away. and then now, i find out that my asshole-ex boyfriend and the slut he cheated on me with will be there. it's not that i haven't gotten over him yet, i mean, he is one of the most worthless things i have ever had, i mean seriously, of no worth. and she is like... the same. but still, i can't help but feel sad that i am going there without a date! i mean how cool would that be to have a HOT date beside me to show them just how much i am worth?

so yeah. bottom line, i wish i could just pluck you from the stars and keep you here beside me just so i could show the world just how much i am worth.

oh who am i kidding. i'm worth nothing. I'M A LOSER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. and this proves it. fuck.

hundred-forty fourth.

dear (k)you,

I AM FUCKING DONE WITH THIS SEMESTER!

HAH!

it isn't official yet, but i'm claiming it... I'M ON MY 3RD YEAR. hell. to the. YEAH.

hundred-forty third.

dear (k)you,

this should be the last one i do. i swear. my myriad of finals is fast approaching, and well, i should be studying (instead of gossiping with my family, and watching tv shows, and reading useless beauty and gossip blogs) pfft.

but i just can't stop thinking about this song i heard accidentally. actually it's not accidental as i know it already from far back, but then i heard a different take on it, and wow, once again i am emotionally handicapped, and because of you again nonetheless.

[after 5 hours...] i shouldn't be blaming it on you, i messed up tonight, big time. anyway, here are the lyrics of the song. and yeah, this nails it.

ps: and oh yeah, this is the hundred forty third post. 1-4-3. should make this special, but, well. it can wait.

I've been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach

You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you
And all you know
And how you speak
Countless lovers undercover of the street

You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night
While you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat

I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me
Someone like me
Someone like me
Somebody

Someone like you
Somebody
Someone like you
Somebody
Someone like you
Somebody

I've been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see

hundred-forty second.

dear (k)you,

this is just funny. i actually wanted to write to you earlier this morning, but then my stupid internet started acting up, so i said maybe it was OAO's way of making me study, which i did most of the day. heh. but see, i still ended up writing to you.

okay, i know it's not much, but the thing is, i kinda forgot about you. heh. yeah, my mind was filled with all that shit about my 10 million exams that i forgot about you for a moment. and then, while on my study break, i visited this blog that i frequent and i saw one of her posts, randomly talking about you! and so there. see the thing is, it was a very, very, very old post of her and it was a very, very, very random mention of you. so yeah. i'm here now.

anyway, i'm almost in the home stretch for this year, but it is STILL killing me. i really don't have any life left in me anymore. i cannot wait for this to be over. ALL OF THIS.

and how the hell am i going to study when my internet FINALLY AFTER A STRESSFUL WEEKEND, is cooperating.

fck.

hundred-forty first.

dear (k)you,

oh dear. i swear i really should be studying. but my attention span with this subject is less than a fly, so goodluck with tomorrow's exam. i'd have you to be my lucky charm anyway, so please please.

anyway, on a more serious note, things are going haywire right now in the world right? i don't know if i'm gonna be pissed that it seems like it's the end of the world cuz 1) we still haven't met; 2) you still need to fall madly in love with me (heh) and 3) i'm actually crossing my fingers that this would be true. on the other side of the scale tho, i want to end all of this already. i know, i know selfish of me, why don't i just kill myself? but the thing is, i AM selfish. i don't want to be the ONLY one who dies. i mean, in my family at least.

OH MY GOD I AM SUCH AN EVIL TWISTED DEMENTED PERSON. I DO NOT DESERVE ANYTHING.

but anyway, i should get back to the beauty blog i was reading, so i can at least hurry and start reading the stupid study materials.

why do i even bother?? as my classmate said, "i've read em, but I DON'T KNOW SHIT."

hundred-fortieth.

dear (k)you,

oh you, it's always you,

it's always you...

it's always you.

hundred-thirty ninth.

dear (k)you,

alright. this is it. final stretch. actually, it's still 28 days (or should i say ONLY 28 days? it's all in the way you look at things) AAAANYWAAAAY. 28 days. after this, things will calm down.

the way, "there's always a calm before a storm". cuz 1st semester will be THE semester.

all my sunbaes say so. it's the make or break semester. cuz after this semester, i'll be on my way...

and prolly feel better about myself too.

but until then, i have to get past this(ESE) hurdle(SSSSSSSSSS). whatever. i will get past it. it's not the theme song of my life for nothing.

i'm doing just fine, i'm always landing on my feet...
in the nick of time and by skin and by teeth.

hundred-thirty eighth.

dear (k)you,

this is probably the only time i'll have until i mess up my life. but whatever, it's gonna work out anyway. 30 days will fly by, and before i know it, i'll be on my way to the last academic semester of my life. it's gonna kick ass. cuz before i know it, i'll be gone. outta here. over there.

whoops. i'm getting a little too ahead of myself oh?

anyway, i just remembered, i can still proudly say that i can face you, with me legally on time. HA. still can't get over it.

I CAN PULL THROUGH.

hundred-thirty sixth.

dear (k)you,

i didn't even get to say goodbye.

maybe next time.

hundred-thirty fifth.

dear (k)you,

my heart hurts right now. you're here - again. remember that time when i asked OAO about when it rains, it'll indicate the number of years before we see each other again. and it rained 1 day after, meaning 1 year after we see each other. and true enough... it's been a year. well, roughly. but you get the picture.

it really hurts. i want to see you.

i want you to see me.

but no. this time, it's just not right. and it figures too, i'm having major skin dilemmas cuz of school. i'm honestly doing okay with my school stuff. i'm not sure how i'll fare in this last hurrah, but well. as of now, it's doing good.

but my heart still hurts.

cuz....

I MISS YOU OKAY.

I MISS YOU LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.

hundred-thirty fourth.

dear (k)you,

we're going on a road trip tomorrow. me and some of my college friends. it's nice, kinda feels like i'm part of something right now, even if college WILL end in 2 years (yes i am claiming it!) the authorities will do something about it... that's prolly my only hope anyway.

oh and in 3 (technically 2) days, you'll be here. AND IT'LL SUCK. cuz i'm not where you are. not even close.

ftw.

hundred-thirty third.

dear (k)you,

okay. can i just say, PATHOLOGY SUCKS. i mean what the hell was i thinking wanting to be a pathologist when i was young?

i'm not even studying to be a pathologist, and already this is sucking the life out of me! but maybe that's what makes it so uninteresting to me...

i'm not studying to be one, so all the interesting stuff the leave out, and the stupid professors don't even teach properly. AISH.

i really want to do well this time around. i mean, i'm actually doing quite okay lately. my exams aren't that bad (plus i passed that conditional exam i had, so it's really renewed vigor) BUT MEHN.

PATHOLOGY IS JUST RAINING ON MY PARADE.

hundred-thirty second.

dear (k)you,

is it that time of the year again? i guess so. i read something, and then it go tme thinking...

"i never fell in love with you. i just fell."

it got me thinking about why i'm so caught up with you.

and the temporary answer my wasted brain (that should be studying, but screw it!) came up with this:

you were an excuse for everything that never went my way.

i mean really. classic example: i don't have an exciting love life. and why is that? because REALLY, i just don't have it in me to keep any guy interested for more than, what 3 seconds. but what do i keep telling myself oh? that it's because i am MEANT for you. i have this claim over you already, just because things can't go my way.

and then there's this excuse about my being unhappy because i am not where you are. but come on, honestly, i'm depressed because, this is not where i want to be. this is not what i pictured how my youth will be spent.

I DIDN'T PICTURE MYSELF TO BE STUDYING AT THE AGE OF 22. STILL.

i know i know, i should be happy, cuz studying is WAAAY better than working, but i don't like it here. nothing here is for me. and this ball and chain called school is making me waste time.

but then i blame it on you. that cuz i have to be with you, and not because i am seriously unhappy.

i'm prolly having that time of the month aren't i? yeap. i guess so.

hundred-thirty first.

dear (k)you,

i'm going to make this short.

I PASSED! the freaking exam that wreaked my days for 5 months... i finally passed it!

although it's a bit sad that i cant celebrate it fully since a few of my friends failed, but i cannot believe it! i passed!

and just in time. cuz, it was really the defining exam. if i failed, i seriously would've considered giving this up.

so OAO, daddy-o THANK YOU.

and yeah, you too. :')

hundred-thirtieth.

dear (k)you,

so i did something, actually i had it a long time ago, but i never really used it -- until now. i really don't know what possessed me to use it, but well... anyway, it's something you can see. i doubt you'll be able to see me, but well, it's there. just like that thing i did way way back (this is getting hard don't you think?) anyway, i cried again yesterday. i guess it's because i realized how pathetic i am already. i mean really? you and me? not in a million years. but a big part of the reason i cried is because, out of my freaking busy schedule, the schedule that forced me into a half-zombie lifestyle is going to give me a free weekend on... wait for it...

THE SAME WEEKEND THAT YOU'RE HERE. and you know the best part of it all:

I WON'T GET TO SEE YOU! i will be holed up here in my house, DOING NOTHING (cuz school just had to mess with me like that). i almost wish i had an exam coming up the week after, just so i can have a measly excuse for not being near you.

this sucks. anyway. i'm determined though to get pass this. i am so going to be where you are, one way or another. and you're gonna go dramacrazy on me.

whoops. that was the bitter loneliness talking. heh.

happy valentines <3

hundred-twenty ninth.

dear (k)you,

yeah. it's that time of the year again. i'm more unprepared this year than the last. i actually have a big sign on my face that reads: NO LOVELIFE (aka pimples the size of a country - cuz yeah, they did tame a bit. it's not commercial worthy, but at least it doesn't hurt anymore)

so yeah, don't mind those things that they throw at you okay? none of them matters.

it's vday. think of me. heh.

hundred-twenty eighth.

dear (k)you,

i'm pretty pleased with myself lately. this was an okay week. but i'm gonna head back to the hell hole in a few days. just wanna enjoy this as much as i can. anyway, i feel good inside, but outside, i'm pretty much a big mess. my skin is a hot mess (feel like i had an allergic reaction to stress again, i have pimples as big as the world, i know it's gross.), my voice is non-existent (that's what i get for being too supportive) and my body is growing in places that i do not want (just to be clear, it's my stomach, not my belly -- there's a big difference for girls. oh and of course my legs.) i wanna go on a diet, but i promised OAO that i'll stop being anorexic just so i can pass that dreaded exam already. of course, i wanna go back on my word again. can i OAO please?

aaanyway..

hundred-twenty seventh.

dear (k)you,

it's weird, see i look at this public page and get some snippets that touch me (ergo about you), but since my life became a total mess of what it's supposed to be, i'm being drawn to stuff about... wait for it...


SCHOOL! can you believe it? SCHOOL! i trade you for FUCKING SCHOOL! how f-ed up is that huh?

but anyway, if i think about it, why do i go crazy about school anyway? YES. it's cuz i wanna get it over with and be where you are. yes. cuz that's the only way. school is actually my ticket out of this hell hole.

so in a way, yeah, i guess it STILL revolves around you. let's just see if it's that way next year.

OH and newsflash: i've been doing this for almost a year now. huh. that's grand. kekeke

hundred-twenty sixth.

dear (k)you,

i missed it. your birthday.

oh well. books before....

and well, technically, it still is your birthday, here where i am. so yeah...

again, happy birthday <3

hundred-twenty fifth.

dear (k)you,

see now, what kind of a person am i? since i'm in way over my head, i had the dates on my calendar messed up. it's not yet your birthday. it'll be tomorrow. but well, i might not get to go online anymore. so yeah. let's just pretend i didn't mess this up.

so yeah. happy birthday still. i don't know how old you are, since yknow, you guys count funny. but well, i think we're supposed to be the same age. and yeah, we're getting old.

happy birthday~

hundred-twenty fourth.

dear (k)you,

just because i might not be able to touch the computer later, and since technically it is already the 2nd of feb...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ~

i remember last year i saw a shooting star. i don't have time to gaze at the skies so, let's just pretend okay? anyway. that's all i really want to say. i have a sad story, but let's wait for this day to pass first okay?

i have OAO to thank for this day... yknow, for bringing you into this world (eek cheesy)

enjoy your birthday okay? :) <3

hundred-twenty third.

dear (k)you,

so yeah, THE exam is over. i'll just have to wait for the results. i'd want to say a lot more. but my brain is fried. and i have a splitting headache. so yeah.

hundred-twenty second.

dear (k)you,

i can honestly say i have never been this stressed in my entire life. i swear. it's not an exaggeration. in about 2 days i guess, i will be taking the exam FOR MY LIFE. it's the do or die exam. really, one of the reasons i TRY to do my best is so that i won't have to get to this point. but as it life would have it, i am here now. i am really at that point where i can't even eat properly. no kidding, i literally space out in the middle of conversations. i know i should relax and not think about it, but mehn. i have stressed over this subject for more than 5 months already, and now it has finally reached the end point.

I. WILL. FINALLY. PASS. THIS. TEST.

i swear on my life that i HAVE to pass this test. like what the theme song of my life says:

and i'm doing just fine
i'm always landing on my feet
in the nic of time
and by the skin of my teeth
i ain't gonna stress
cause the worst ain't happened yet
something's watching over me
like sweet serendipity

and of course, i have you, my lucky charm.

hundred-twenty first.

dear (k)you,

i just finished a hell week, and am about to start another one. really. i don't know what to do anymore. i'll break down anytime now. and i rarely break down. i any case, i'm appealing for you to work your magic oh? you're the perpetual lucky charm. and really, you are. i guess that's my mind telling me that, and that's good, at least, my mind can attract all the positive vibes. i'm going to need it until october. and when i get there, things will be a little lighter in my head. might not be easier, but it'll be lighter. i swear. things will star to look better for me then.

so please.

hundred-twentieth.

dear (k)you,

well. 2 of the 3 exams lined up for my week have passed. and they were both crap. what sucks is i studied, only to end up getting asked ALL THE FUCKING WRONG QUESTIONS.

oh well. as if that hasn't happened to me one to many times before anyway. moving on... i still have one more exam, which i haven't studied AT ALL. and i have no idea how i'm ever going to understand those things, but what the hell. i have you for that.

i mean, i have you to be my lucky charm. so please be oh?

and the final final lab exam that i need to pass okay? don't forget :)

<3

hundred-ninteenth.

dear (k)you,

i'd just like to say that i have 3 exams coming this week, and i haven't studied yet. i was supposed to, but then one status caught my attention (see? this is why i should really not look at things like that anymore at times like these! pfft)

anyway, it roughly translates to:

how unfortunate of you, you happen to be my type.

because yeah, you have to endure all this. of course, it really isn't much compared to the "others" but well, in my mind at least, i feel sorry for you. because you didn't choose to have a stalker (aka me) walking around, claiming she has some freakish claim on you. as if you're something to be owned. pfft.

of course, it wouldn't hurt if i get to own you.

OH WHAT THE FUCK! SEE? THIS IS WHY OAO HATES ME. IT'S THOUGHTS LIKE THESE.

on a more blasphemous note, i saw something on the billboards (of course, schizo me read something entirely different).

hey GOD (of course in reality, it said "you"),

this 2011, why don't you start to LISTEN?

I AM GOING TO HELL FOR THIS.

hundred-eighteenth.

dear (k)you,

ah yes. this wouldn't be me if i didn't start with the perpetual exam entry series. kekeke yeap. they're coming alright. 10 million lecture exams and that one final lab exam that i have to pass (ps: please OAO, (k)you, daddy-o, make all your powers work at the same time please. i really need all kinds of interventions for this exam because this is the defining exam. okay maybe not defining, but still. i have to pass this exam as if my life depended on it.)

aaanyway, i guess, i better accept that my final weekend has come to an end. oh well. another 5 days of hell, plus one exam that i have to pass. scratch that, plus one exam that I WILL PASS. yeah. i will rock this one. i've finished the coverage already. i'll just review. so yeah. i'm gonna rock this.

hundred-seventeenth.

dear (k)you,

yeah. 117 is a sort of special number for me. but i really do not want to associate it with you. why? it's cuz it's a jinx number. guys that i associate with this number always fuck up. so yeah.

and just cause the internet is AAAALSO fucking me up and not making me upload the picture i intended to use and seeing as my study break is faaast winding down... i'll just write it down:

FATE FELL SHORT...

... in everything related to love in my life, to all the boys that walked in (and out), to happily ever after.

yeah. fate fucking fell short.

hundred-sixteenth.

dear (k)you,

to quote a friend's status: "he seems so in love while i'm here"

to quote what my wasted heart understood from it: "(k)you seem so in love, while i'm here"

it's different really, trust me.

don't do this to me okay? i just realized that one of the reasons i refrain from seeking any news about you is not because it's my sorry ass excuse to try and get over you (like what i've been telling myself over and over like a broken record), but it's because i'm afraid to know the inevitable...

that you're in love... yes... while i'm here.

because DUH! that most definitely isn't me. pfffft.

and what sucks, i found out that one of your brothers might have a girlfriend already. not the brother who's getting married, but a different one. sad. i like that one too. heh. not as much as you, but well, you get the picture.

so there. yeah, happy new year to me. oh why do you look so in love bb? (oops. i called you that. heh.)

hundred-fifteenth.

dear (k)you,

for lack of better things to do, i'm gonna join the bandwagon and make myself a new year's resolution.

or more accurately, a list of things, i might or might not do, depending on my mood. these lists aren't meant to be followed anyway.

so yeah...

1: i'm still going to continue dieting. i dunno why tho, but well, wouldn't hurt. i guess it's my way of reassuring myself that i could be worthy of your second glance, seeing as you will be coming here in 2 months time (fuck the world i won't be there to see you like i did before)

2: i'm going to try and be mature, after 22 years. it's high time i do, since most of the people i'm being immature at are, well, mature already - i think. and even if they're not, well, even better that i start it. don't you think?

3: i'm going to not be lazy. okay, this is highly unlikely, although i really do have to suck it up, at least for this year. once i get past the hurdle of 3-1, i might feel better about myself already. i may not have that diploma yet when i get to clinics, but at least i'm a clinician and not some no good average student that cannot do shit.

4: i try to love you more. hah. didn't see that one coming huh did you? see i had an epiphany like 5 seconds ago when i typed the number 4. see i keep telling myself to not like you, or to get over you, or to find the second best. but then i realized, if i think the other way around, i'd be attracting the same energy and possibly be able to get you to be with me. or to tempt OAO or the fate gods or what not.

so there it is. the not so new year's resolution list. course it all revolves around you. this whole thing is dedicated to you afterall.

ps: i have this really cute story: see my dad died almost 3 years ago right? so this christmas, my mom got called on by one of the friends, and gave her a card. it was from my dad, with a check for a small amount. it was a gift from him, from when he was still alive. it was a pleasant surprise really. so daddy-o. thanks, maybe next christmas it could be for me, in the form of this guy to whom this whole weird cyber shrine is dedicated to.

psyche.

hundred-fourteenth.

dear (k)you,

HAPPY NEW YEAR!~

i meant to write exactly 12mn, but then i realized, i do have a life (even if it only consisted of me celebrating with my family).

but anyway, here's to another year. will OAO be good to me this year? i sure hope so, but just in case he thinks it isn't time yet, well then...

i don't know. please wait for me, oh?

<3