two hundred-thirtieth.

dear (k)you,

in a few hours, it'll be a new year. i don't even know how to describe the year that was. except maybe that it was the year i thought of you least.

funny how the last few days, i had to do something that involved me looking at old archives of you. and you still manage to bring a lasting smile on my face.

i know right now i have the asshole (well technically no, i refuse to talk to him), the little boy and the little boy's bestfriend (well, technically, i'm still hoping that i finally meet him)

but after all is said and done, i still hope for the miracle that is you.

since i might not be able to check in later...

here's to another year, another wish, and maybe, another chance.

cheers.

two hundred-twenty ninth.

dear (k)you,

better late than never.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! <3 font="font">

two hundred-twenty eighth.

dear (k)you,

walking on eggshells right now.

man i hate this.

two hundred-twenty seventh.

dear (k)you,

i'm sure you've prolly heard about this stupid end of the world nonsense. well, it's about to happen tomorrow... and i'm kind of hoping it does.

sick. i know.

anyway. i'm still not over my hump with the little boy. it's just that. i saw something nice about him. and thinking about it makes me smile. i know how much of a bad person he is for me. but i keep thinking, if maybe he gives me a chance, he could actually like me.

fuck. who am i kidding. NO. i am not going to waste my time on him again. i will put myself out there (for real this time). no more chasing stupid dreams. 

no more expecting.

and on that note. i do not want the world to end tomorrow and i expect it to NOT END. #winkwink

two hundred-twenty sixth.

dear (k)you,

... i want to say i want to give way... but i don't.

i'm on my own.

i know i've said this many times already. but OAO! life was way easier when i was just hopelessly in love with you.

two hundred-twenty fifth.

dear (k)you,

i just have to get this out before it consumes my again.

i mentioned my primadonna friend (PDF) already right? well. he's at it again. but not in the same way. i mean. even though he's a primadonna, in the end, so it seems, he's my closest friend. but even though that is the case, i just came to realize about 5 minutes ago... that when it comes to my love life...

i can't count on him. in every thing, he and i would have the same track of mind. we would have the same thoughts, at the same time. we think the same, we like the same things, we hate the same things. but for some twisted reason, when it comes to my love life, he can't seem to take a hint. 

he can't see that i need his help. and if maybe he could, he doesn't want to help me in that category. 

kinda sucks too, cuz he could easily make things go his way. too bad his and my way don't actually coincide.

but whatever. LB isn't really deserving anyway.

ps: the asshole is making noise again, trying to talk to me. and like i said, NEVER.

two hundred-twenty fourth.

dear (k)you,

tonight is one of those nights where i am reflecting, thinking, and all that jazz. in short, i'm flat out bored, with no one to go out with.

haha. this is where a boyfriend comes handy. imagine, my whole family is out, and i am here, practically about to sleep at 9 in the evening. i mean, come on. on a normal day, i'd just be about getting ready to go out and try to have a life.

but sadly no. i am freaking reduced to typing. and pretend in my head that i have a life.

what a freak.

two hundred-twenty third.

dear (k)you,

life is too short to waste on stuff like school.

#randomthoughts

 

two hundred-twenty second.

dear (k)you,

slash that. this is for the little boy.

dear little boy.

i know i've said in a lot of my previous entries that that will be the last time i ever talk about you - but i end up writing about you still. like some stupid stubborn sicko.

but this time it's different. as my friend said, "i've had a change of heart", or something to that effect.

i've decided to not think of you anymore. finally. it's definitely gonna take some time. but i will try this time around.

you finally did something to make me realize that i'm deluding myself.

so for that, thank you.

and goodbye.

... 

two hundred-twenty first.

dear (k)you,

so the little boy disappointed me again. i hate it when i prepare and he's not there.

i'll get my timing right one of these days.

and he'll freak out.

i just know it.

two hundred-twentieth.

dear (k)you,

i had a thought mapped out in my head a while ago. but then the stupid fan is being a bitch and i forgot all about it. shame. it was pretty witty, for me.

but all i can say is that it was about the little boy.

and how i wish he could see me as someone more. i mean, it hurts when he brushes me off like that.

why can't he develop juvenile feelings for me which can easily be mistaken as admiration?

and i hate myself for always hoping and thinking of these stupid possibilities because the universe made this stupid rule that once you thought about it, it will NEVER COME TRUE.

i mean, when was the last time you fantasized about a certain situation, and then boom, it happens just as you had imagined?

never right?

but come to think of it, i'm prolly the only person who'd be pathetic enough to make scenarios in my head.

pathetic. really.

two hundred-nineteenth.

dear (k)you,

the little boy has been a regular in my dreams that i've decided two seconds ago to not let it affect me anymore.

the last time i let this affect me, i had a major weight loss (which, incidentally, wouldn't be so bad. but NO).

but last night's dream was the worst i think. because it lasted the longest. and it probably was the closest to what was possible?

i don't know. i don't like it.

two hundred-eighteenth.

dear (k)you,

hi. it's been a long time. i'm down to my last month of this year.

sad to say, not much has changed from 365 days ago.

i'm still hopelessly desperate.

but maybe it's getting close. at least this year i came short of having someone. maybe 2013 will be kinder to me, ne?

but whatever. the real reason i had the sudden urge to write was because i felt a strange-sort-of-scared feeling about the little boy.

and get this, something happened tonight that would give me the permission to feel depressed about the asshole. but instead i get this weird ass feeling about the little boy.

it all started with a casual conversation between me and the asshole (remind me to NEVER EVER EVER EVER talk to him again). stupid conversation ended with him telling me he's coming over to see me. long story short, i freshened up to look presentable but he stood me up (AGAIN). at this point i should be seething mad again. but strangely, i was just annoyed. i sort of expected him to "flake" anyway.

so i was browsing my social network account and saw this weird ass post about seeing "top stalkers". i know it's pretty bogus and random, but what the hell, i tried it out. went on to check the order of my supposed stalkers. it was around 15 when the asshole's page appeared. note here that i was just annoyed. and then, number 22 was suddenly the little boy's page. 

and curious me, checked his page. saw several things that sort of scared me. like him partying. him having a conversation with his best friend (who was supposed to be my blind date at some point). him having a life outside our "prison"... him looking pretty good.

i think i'm just scared. i think my desperation is pushing me to feel things that i shouldn't - things that wouldn't be necessary if i just let them be. if i stop imagining things.

like i said, life was much simpler when i was just obsessing over you. when did you leave my life huh?

... come back please.

all i want for christmas... is you.

two hundred-seventeenth.

dear (k)you,

i just want to share this song that pretty much sums up my life right now. imma tweak the lyrics a little to make it fit perfectly, but it'll sound right when you sing it (like you know the song in the first place. harhar):

So this is what i mean, when i said that i was spent
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit right to the top,
Don't hold back
Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check

I don't ever want to let you down  

But i really want to leave this town
And catch a plane
To the city that never sleeps at night...

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then,
I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am?

So this is where you fell, and I am left to sell
the path that heaven runs through miles of clouded hell,
right to the top
Don't look back
Turning to rags and give the commodities a rain check

I don't ever want to let you down  

But i really want to leave this town
And live my life 

In the city that never sleeps at night...

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then,
I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am?

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then,
I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am?

This road never looked so lonely,
This house doesn't burn down slowly,
to ashes, to ashes...

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then,
I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am?

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then,
I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am?

two hundred-sixteenth.

dear (k)you,

SERIOUSLY! the next time i start to believe in ANYTHING, ANY GUY ever says, i will throw myself out of a building!

i hate myself for being this pathetic. really. and i don't even like LIKE the guy!

i'm just this freaking sad act!

both of them should just rot in hell! (one more than the other-- i'd hate to see him rotting, afterall, him i like like.)

two hundred-fifteenth.

dear (k)you,

okay. i'm beginning to fucking hate this. so, 2 days ago, i dreamt of the little boy again. i know i said i would stop thinking of him, but fuck!

but anyway, it'll be better now.

btw, i'm on vacation now. so i think it'll be better.

yes. it'll be better.

two hundred-fourteenth.

dear (k)you,

THIS. this will be the last time. and i mean it. i realized the last time, when i said i didn't think of him, it was because it was the weekend, and i didn't see him at all. so come weekday, BOOM! but anyway, we're going in to vacation, so i won't see him anymore - give or take for the next 2 weeks.

anyway. it's always one step forward and two steps back with him.

and it breaks my heart.

i really need to have you back in my life now. you were the only constant thing i had in my life. who'd have thought i'd come running to you when things got crazy? 

not me.

two hundred-thirteenth.

dear (k)you,

seriously. this is the last time i will talk about the little boy! i mean it. i haven't thought of him (and my appetite has come back already, i'm at a more comfortable weight now), but it didn't help that all my transcriptions are literally littered with his name.

so it's really hard NOT to think of him, seeing as i've been staring at his name for the past 30 mins, and not studying.

so anyway. the the little boy. this is for you.

 
If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!

Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'
He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
You swoon, you sigh
why deny it, uh-oh
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
Oh
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That ya got, got, got it bad
Whoa: No chance, now way
I won't say it, no, no
Give up, give in
Check the grin you're in love
This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love
You're doin flips read our lips
You're in love
You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say it
Girl, don't be proud
It's O.K. you're in love
Oh
At least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love

two hundred-twelfth.

dear (k)you,

so the last time, i said, or maybe implied, that that would be the last post about the little boy. 

i lied. 

i am prolly over thinking this too much. and it really doesn't deserve anymore brain cells, but yeah. i think i'm a little past that point already.

5 days since that thing happened. and i've lost give or take 5 lbs already. the highlight of that was this morning: 101 lbs. the last time i was that light, i was on my anorexic streak. and it wasn't pretty.

i don't have an appetite and sleeping has become hard.

i know my friends say, okay no maybe shout would be the better term, that these are symptoms of love.

but i seriously doubt that. i think it's more of desperation on my part rather than love. see, i don't think i'll ever find the reason to fall in love with the little boy. no. i don't think so. he's too immature (i use the word immature rather than young, because well, he's not young anymore. i'm also past that age thing). we do not have anything in common. and i strongly think that whatever it is that's happening between us, it's mostly pent up sexual tension on his side. and i'm pretty sure he'd prolly do the same thing with another girl, had he been given the chance.

fuck a duck.

ps: i really do miss you. life was simpler when i was just hopelessly in love with you.

pps: btw, my first love is coming here. thought you'd want to know.

two hundred-eleventh.

dear (k)you,

tonight, it's all about the little boy. and how much i wish he wasn't drunk. 

525,600 minutes times 4. 

OAO i wish he wasn't drunk.

how i wish he wasn't.

two hundred-tenth.

dear (k)you,

okay, so this entry will have nothing to do with you and will dabble into my real identity. but whatever, this is my place to rant anyway, and i am in major rant mode.

so, this weekend, a very prestigious event happened. every year, people literally camp out just to get inside the arena where it the competition will be held. it's especially important to me because this is the second year that my baby sister will be participating in it. 

alright, just an overview of the event: there are 8 competitors, 8 different schools (A, B, C, D, E, F, G and H). my sister is from team A and we will be directing our hate towards team B. anyway! 8 competitors, they will do their thing for 6 minutes or so, then winners will be announced.

team B performed before A, and honestly, i was scared out of my head watching them. for lack of better word, their performance was perfect in terms of execution. so, i was almost seething with anger every time they would nail their fucking moves. it's not that i didn't have faith in team A, but i was able to watch a preview of their routine, and judging from that, B was definitely stronger. plus, i didn't want to give myself too much hope. call it conditioning.

anyway, it was time for team A and i was beyond nervous. but SECONDS into the INTRODUCTION and performance, i was getting chills and goosebumps already. they were having a near perfect run of something so technical. but during the last 3 seconds, they had a major fall. which made me even more nervous, scared and sad (if it were even possible).

so come announcement of winners. they were announcing the 1st runner up, and it turned out to be team B! ps: may i interject here that their faces when they were called were overflowing with angst. after their perfect run and that final mistake from team A, they knew they were going to win it. 

BUT THEY THOUGHT WRONG AND TEAM A WON. anyway, the real root of my frustration starts now.

so these fucking shallow stupid team B supporters are now calling foul play. they're saying stupid stuff like, "they had a fall, and then they win." fucking fixated on the fact that a fall automatically rules out winning.

they failed to notice that team A had far more difficult moves than B did. and most importantly, that A had HEART.

we were talking about it today, and then it us. team B did their piece for the wrong reason. they were consumed by their desire to one up all the other competitors, to become number 1, to beat team A and to, in their own words, "take back the crown" that their dance, while perfect, was full of angst, frustration and vengeance. 

team A on the other hand, showed pure honesty. they showed their true form during their piece. from how i saw it, minus my bias, they didn't go out there to make losers of the other competitors. they didn't go out there to defend their crown. they did their run to show everybody their love for what they are doing.

and that is why they deserved to win. and that is what these other shallow assholes cannot see. which makes me FUCKING frustrated!! seriously, i know i should have class and not stoop down to their level (i don't by the way, but it's really with great big effort), but i just want to shout at them and tell them they are a bunch of shallow fuckers with no logic whatsoever.

seriously, the comments that they post all over are freaking frustrating. they sound like a bunch of fucking sour losers. in a way, i do feel sorry for them: 1) because i saw that they did put extra extra effort, they prepared and they were really really good! that they expected a win, 2) that their perfect run was still not enough to beat a run with mistakes and 3) because they are too shallow to see beyond a single fall.

fucking corrupted minds. i hope they get nightmares when they sleep! *anti-karma fly fly fly* 

ps: believe me, that works. hihi. alright. now i feel better. i can sleep.

two hundred-ninth.

dear (k)you,

oh, and just a little post script:

이 글을 읽을 수 있다면, 나에게 메시지를 써주세요.

  

i have no idea if that came out correct, but it's worth a try. 

two hundred-eighth

dear (k)you,

i just have to say that i am so friggin pissed at the rain right now! i mean, it's been raining for that past 2-3 days already, but right when it counts, (which is around this time, so that the fucking school officials can actually start to think if maybe asking students to swim to school is a bad idea), fucking rain just STOPS. from a friggin non-stop downpour to NO RAIN OR FUCKING DARK CLOUDS.

what the fuck is that? fucking school needs to get drowned in flood! I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL!

MY SCHOOL AND A NUMBER OF MY PROFESSORS SHOULD DROWN IN HELL! and i am not even sorry for saying (writing) these words.

THEY SHOULD JUST ALL BUUUUURN IN HEEEELLLL! (and let me graduate already)

two hundred-seventh.

dear (k)you,

hello. it's a new month! and i'm nearly dying. NAT. whatever. so yeah, that primadonna friend i mentioned, we're back to being friends again, so things are better. but school is a bitch again. i don't even want to think about it.

but anyway, here's a funny story from today:
so we were sitting in mcdonald's (behind this crush of mine - okay i didn't really need to say that, but i wanted to), and then my friend randomly asked, if we could choose one person to "be with" (actually no, he used a different phrase, but that's not important), who would it be?

and then i immediately thought of you. not any hollywood star with abs and biceps to die for. not any guy here where i am. not my crush sitting behind me.

you.

when all is said and done, it's still you.

two hundred-sixth.

dear (k)you,

hey, long time huh? anyway. i'm pretty sad right now, but well, no not really. see, i have this friend. and the truth is, when all is said and done, he's really very unfair. everybody has to bend over backwards just to satisfy his every whim. i mean, he's been like that for the longest time. and i only took notice of it now. since, he's being such an ass-- to me. i mean, the thing is, i did do something wrong. i acknowledge it. i asked sorry. and he said not to worry about it. but he still fucking acts like i've done him wrong. i mean, what's up with that? seriously. you already acknowledged my saying sorry! but you're being such a primadonna! but whatever, i can't ever say these things to his face. the thing is, i'm even more scared of him than anyone, because i know how he gets mad. since i was part of his inner circle before. and i know how he operates. and trust me, you wouldn't want to be on the opposite side from him. 

but whatever. our other friend already told him that he wasn't without fault, so i guess it's just a matter of time. and at the very least, he'll graduate already, and i'll be left behind. perhaps life would be a lot more peaceful for me then.

yeah. time will be my friend.

two hundred-fifth.

dear (k)you,

i think i'm about to get screwed up. i know it's not right, and it's puuure evil, but i really hope something BIG will happen in my life. so big that i will have no choice but to stop whatever it is i am doing right now (coughschoolcough) and pick up from there. i mean, if wwIII suddenly starts, i doubt if they will ever let us go back there in that hell hole right? or if this super country decides to use my country as war ground. i mean, this place isn't really something worth saving. it's really not going anywhere but down anyway. but yeah. it'd be great if something like that happens and i'll be shipped off to some other country. a change of scenery would be most welcome. 

but alas, i don't think it'll ever happen anytime soon. i'll just have to suck it up. i really do wish i have that remote thing from that movie. if i could just fast forward to that event. just that one fast forward will do. or i could just close my eyes and when i open them... i'm already there. but whatever. it's only a few more months. i'll get there. i've already gone through 3 years, what's a few more months eh?

but just in case OAO is listening. please burn the school! they'll probably have no choice then. fucking asspricks.

two hundred-fourth.

dear (k)you,

tonight, after a very very very long time, i wonder how you are. seriously, i haven't thought about you for the longest time since i started this thing. really. the only time i remember you is when i type "(k)you", but after i press the publish button, i honestly forget about you.

a majority of it is because of school. majority. but the remaining would be because of me. i think, and i don't know if i ever said this before or not, but i think i'm starting to get over you. and i don't like the feeling. 

cuz honestly, i feel alone. more alone than normal that is.

without you, it's like i put a nail on it. i made it "official", that i AM alone.

and it's lonely. i don't like it.

and least with you, i had something imaginary. but now, imagination doesn't even cut it anymore.

reality has finally caught up.

piss off.

ps: i read the post again, and i did NOT make sense. pfft.

two hundred-third.

dear (k)you,

pardon me. this one is for a little boy i know.

i've known you for quite some time now (5 years i think?), and frankly, you're still the little boy i met. you still have the same body structure, the same face (okay maybe not so much, you've gotten a bit of stress all over), and sadly, the same attitude. yeap. you're still a little boy.

i prolly won't ever admit this, but i want you to grow up. grow up and see me as someone more than an older girl. as someone more than your friend. 

cuz like what you said, i am in your friendzone as much as you are in mine. but the thing is, i would get you out of that zone in a heartbeat.

thought you should know.

now, back to our regular programming... (k)you on the other hand, you won't ever be in my friendzone. and quite frankly, i won't be ever in yours, although our zones are very different from each other. 

but anyway. there. maybe it's time i talk about someone else. i'm pretty sure if i talk about the asshole again, it'd be more than what he deserves.

two hundred-second.

dear (k)you,

since i've lost hope of class suspension tomorrow, and before i jump in into the world of wizards and magic, i just wanted to share this random post i saw:

(disclaimer: okay i know i said a few posts back that that is the last time i would be writing about the asshole who screwed me up, but whatever, when did i ever follow through with the things i say?)

"most people understand and know the feeling of being played. being played by a boy... (who) makes you smile just be texting you "hey". a boy that you had something with. a boy that constantly made you laugh and smile. a boy that stopped texting you one day. a boy that started ignoring you, acting like he didn't know you, and acting like you never had something. most girls know that feeling. most girls wish they could give that boy up..."

so i deleted a few lines which were out of context, but basically that's it. it did kind of hit the spot straight on. and what scares me is the fact that had he not acted like a complete arse, i would have chosen him. i was so ready to give him a chance, hell, i think i did give him a chance already, but he changed his mind first.

kinda reminds me of that song:

"and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now."

i really wanna go back to thinking about you. and school. i think i was happier back then hating on just school. 

two hundred-first.

dear (k)you,

hi. it's been quite a while now right? well. it's raining, nothing better to do than mope.

anyway, several things have happened. for one, the olympics has started. it was great yknow. very dramatic, if you know what i mean. ha. course you do, you've seen it. you've hosted the olympics. anyway, i just keep watching that torch lighting from 20 years ago. it's just dramatic. my kind of thing.

second thing, and prolly the more important one. i'm sad. i don't understand why i even keep hurting myself. why i even keep thinking of him. he wasn't even that great. he was just there. and, sadly, i saw something. i thought i saw something good.

i guess i was wrong.

again.

that's why i miss you. you never let me down. 

two hundredth.

dear (k)you,

oh wow. would you look at that, it's been 200 posts already. man.

anyway. nothing's really going well right now for me. well, no. scratch that. everything's just a stalemate. school's not really going so well for me. i'm lagging behind a lot of my work. and i need to stumble upon a goldmine of luck and talent if i ever want to catch up. 

basically that's it. truth is, i haven't even thought of you lately. and i'm not liking it. life with you was funner, albeit crazy. i think i also liked myself when i was caught up in thoughts of you. i think i was a happier person then.

see? you actually make me happy. lol. 

hundred-ninety ninth.

dear (k)you,

hi. allow me one last post about this asshle mther fcker okay? he just fcking hurt me okay? more than i let other people know. like i keep telling everybody though, it's not him that hurt me per se. it's the situation i am in with him. i mean, HOW THE FUCK COULD I MESS UP LIKE THAT? HUH? HOW? tell me please cuz besides the obvious reason, I AM FCKING UNLIKEABLE, i can't see any other.

i already had it there. it was in the bag. he was one of those rare guys who are actually decent looking who found me minutely attractive. and yes, i just had to pull a classic ****-stunt, and

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

... it's gone.

hundred-ninety eighth.

dear (k)you,

hi. tonight is one of those nights. i'm sad. i'm drinking. i'm smoking (surprise! after looong time, i finally dug up my stash). i'm lonely. i'm actually randomly crying. i'm listening to fucking sad songs. and for the first time in a long time.....

... it's not because of you.

and honestly, i think i was happier when i was all consumed by you. the person isn't really worth all this, it's mostly me. me realizing how unworthy i am of any admiration, love, whatever shit this is called. i really don't like it. i liked it better when i was living in my imaginary world with you and me. i always knew you and me was never going to happen, and to be honest that gave me cushion. i liked that cushion.

hundred-ninety seventh.

dear (k)you,

so my life is a standstill again (read: boring). i had a pretty exciting few weeks, but now they're back to being boring, sometimes miserable, but i'd go for boring any time of day.

in other news, i saw you again. psh. making me giddy and happy. again. hahaha oh and btw, did i mention that you became my run to again. i mean, you know about that other guy who disappointed the hell out of me right? well, whenever he screws with my head, i run to you, and i forget about him. kekeke.

so for that, 감사합니다! heart.

hundred-ninety sixth.

dear (k)you,

i really don't know why i haven't written this song to you before. the title seems fitting enough. but i realized that the reason i haven't is because the situation hasn't presented itself to me... until now.

i don't know if i told you, prolly in passing rage, but there's this guy who claims that he likes me. oh, he does drop hints here and there, but he never follows through anything he says. and for a girl, whether she likes the guy right up front or not, it's frustrating. 

and today was one of those days that i can't even begin to describe how frustrated i am. if he is doing this on purpose, then he made a HUGE mistake, or he went a step too much. i seriously want OUT. so yeah, to the one constant thing in my life that doesn't frustrate me half as much, thank you. who'd have thought i'd find comfort in you eh? 

honestly... me.

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get

I just haven't met you yet... :)
 

hundred-ninety fifth.

dear (k)you,

so today was not really a good day for me. and seeing your picture with her, made it, if it were even possible, worse.

so it was her birthday recently. hope age catches up with her, and you won't like her anymore.

damn it.

hundred-ninety fourth.

dear (k)you,

okay. i just need to do this. i just need to rant this out of my system. I AM NOT CLINGY. i just have reply issues! what do i mean? it's like this, when people text me with messages that have that stupid question mark, i feel fucking OBLIGATED to reply to them. and it's proper texting etiquette to FUCKING REPLY BACK, like 'hey whoa thanks for answering my question'.

i am not being some clingy ass girl, but come on. i should just stop being nice to people. maybe they'd get the picture.

and to you (well, not you you, you this person i am ranting about): you say you like me, you say you're serious, but fuck you. if you can't even show me proper texting etiquette, then i think i should stop being nice. yeah. that's right. 

i'm not gonna be nice anymore.

hundred-ninety third.

dear (k)you,

so today is many things at once. first, it's the weekend. so yay. second, it's prolly one of the most stressful days ever for me, so boo. third, even it was one of the shittiest weeks, it's still the end, so double yay. and fourth, and prolly the most important, it's my first love's birthday today, so  

생일 축하합니다! <3

that's all i really want to say. oh and maybe, this: i still choose you. no matter what. cryptic i know, but well, better you don't figure it out. it might scare you. just know that, it's still you. you're still the one :') 

hundred-ninety second.

dear (k)you,

so, school already started. so far things are depressing. how could i have the strength to go on? but of course, i know i will be able to get through this. i mean, i've always gotten through things. i will eventually get there. i know it in my heart. heh.

anyway, i hope you're doing well. i know you are. don't get into accidents okay? you have to be there to welcome me when i finally get my entrance pass to where you are.

i'm not really making much sense now. my brain is a little pre-occupied. 

plus, i can still feel his arms around my waist. so. there.

hundred-ninety first.

dear (k)you,

it's my birthday today. so i at least get a birthday wish right? hm. i have so much i could wish for... things that can actually happen and would make me very happy.

...but i'm still going to wish for you. so yeah. this year's birthday wish is for you. <3

hundred-nintieth.

dear (k)you,

i am supposed to go out tonight. but fuck. my friends are making me think otherwise. seriously. i went through the hassle of reserving a table for them, which i may add costs more than i could afford, and they move like freaking turtles in their own times. why does it matter? because we could lose the reservation if they don't hurry up!! fuck it.

hundred-eighty ninth.

dear (k)you,

i could be your sea of sand
i could be your warmth of desire 
i could be your prayer of hope 
i could be your gift to everyday
i could be your tide of heaven
i could be a hint of what's to come
i could be ordinary
i could be the one

i could be your blue-eyed angel
i could be the storm before the calm
i could be your secret pleasure
i could be your well wishing well
i could be your breath of life
i could be your European dream 
i could be ordinary
i could be the one

and i would lie here in the darkness
and i would lie here for all time
and i would lie here watching over you
comfort you, sing to you

i could be your worry partner
i could be your socialite
i could be your green-eyed monster
i could be your force of light
i could be your temple garden
i could be your tender-hearted child
i could be ordinary
i could be the one

will i ever change the journey
will the hushed tones disappear
oh, little rita let me hold you
oh, little rita let me love you

i could be your leafy island
i could be your thunder in the clouds
i could be your dark enclosure
i could be your romantic soul
i could be your small beginning
i could be your soothing universe
i could be ordinary
i could be the one


... yeah i could.

hundred-eighty eighth.

dear (k)you,

eventually, you will become a memory just as i will be to you, if indeed we shared those fleeting, but strong moments. but you know the funny thing? i will probably look for you in every corner, in every crowd and wonder endlessly why i willingly let you walk away. 

you can only hurt someone until there's nothing left to hurt.

i wish i could take credit for these beautifully written words. sadly no. 

i go back to school in less than a week. i'm prolly gonna bury myself in depression again. the universe will once again start her habit of conspiring against me. 

i need a sign. i need a boost. please. just this once, just this year. can i get a pass?

hundred-eighty seventh.

dear (k)you,

이것을 찾아주십시오.

please.

hundred-eighty sixth.

dear (k)you,

oh God. is this a sign? is it really possible for you to see this?

universe, just this once, can you, like maybe, work in my favor?

fuck. i still can't believe it. even if it was just one, even if it was prolly nonsense to him/her. it is possible.

hundred-eighty fifth.

dear (k)you,

안녕하세요!

this is me trying to close the language gap. maybe this could bring us closer together? no not really. but whatever, i could just tell my brain that. it would eventually believe anything i tell it to believe. meh.

in a few days i will be back to school. and it's depression for me all over again. i wish i could see you.

i wish you could bring me out of this sadness.

당신이보고 싶어... :(

hundred-eighty fourth.

dear (k)you,

so, this afternoon got me thinking... should i finally let you read this blog? i know i said i went through high measures to make sure you don't find this, and even if you do find it, that you wouldn't have the slightest clue that this is dedicated to you.

silly me. i just realized, that i needn't change names, omit dates and all that. i have done the single thing to make sure you do not read, much less understand this blog. 

yes. i am fucking writing in english. no, scratch that, i am fucking writing using LETTERS! 

BOOM! after a staggering 184 entries, i only realize this fact now.

it's so stupid! of course you won't even glance at this, YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND A SINGLE THING.  

but going back to the original question... should i finally let you read this?

and if i do decide to let you read this, next question is: how do i let you read it?

아마도 ... 이것은 시작이 될 수 있습니다, 조규현니~ :)

ps: thanks to my friend google translate.

hundred-eighty third.

dear (k)you,

so i did make an entry earlier this evening. and this blog-thing-website doesn't want to cooperate. pity. it was one of those posts wherein i had a pinch of eloquence and it actually made sense. 

but like i said. pity. i totally forgot what i wrote, even if it was barely 3 hours ago. it was one of those posts, where i literally wrote my emotions (God knows i have a lot of those). 

i remember though, posting a photo with it. something like a cute colorful-artsy checklist of things to do with a special someone.

and i think i remember writing, "oh what i would give to do at least one of these things with you"

and i stand by what i wrote.

sigh. you are the death of me. seriously.

oh. i am reading a sorta-blog by a former school mate, it's sorta like this crap i'm doing, only difference is hers is based on real experiences, real people. and much much much better written than this sorry excuse of a blog.

but, if i may say so, the emotions involved in making these entries are real. that much i can say.

hundred-eighty second.

dear (k)you,

see, that (this) is precisely the reason why i do not look out for news about you! okay, so i have this new juvenile crush on someone, so stalker me decided to see if he has a girlfriend. he doesn't (if you must know), but i learned that he likes to look at girls' faces and he wants them to be pretty, so that pretty much ruins my chances with him. oh and that he's had 2 girlfriends. lucky bitches. 

anyway, since i got my answer to that question, my scumbag brain thought 'hey, i wonder if HE has a girlfriend' and i try to stalk it out with my limited resources. i was doing all of this, if i may add, while sweating profusely and my heart doing irregular beats.

so yeah, this is why i do not like looking out for news about you. because i get so tensed up. cuz, if you do have a girlfriend, that's the end of it. i will no longer have an excuse. of course, it's just a girlfriend, but still, i'm not that kind of girl. i usually back off when there is someone. no matter how unserious or undeserving the girl may be or how much i am head over heels the guy, i just back off. 

thank God you don't have a girlfriend.  you had one (or two) before, but well, what i'm concerned of is the present. and right now, nil.

and please keep it that way for another 5 years or so, just until i make my way to where you are.

and just because, to my other crush, please do the same. cuz honestly, right now, you 2 are the only people i would do ANYTHING for.

and when i say ANYTHING, i mean ANYTHING.

God i am so crazy. i should be locked up or something.

hundred-eighty first.

dear (k)you,

okay. i am now, officially, profoundly and irreversibly screwed up. i really don't know what's wrong with me. i know, i know, i probably just don't have enough faith in my friends, but, see, i don't like being left out. and i fell that with them. with her. she just has this way of making me feel so left out. like i'm not even her friend. and she has a way of making them follow suit, hence, not being my friend anymore. i just wish i had something to take my mind off it. a distraction. because i really can't live like this, you know, trying to make conversations with them, and not get anything out of it.

i wish i could just live in my head you know. it's so much happier there. i have you there, i have my other happy crushes there too. and them, and you are all happily smitten with me. it's all the opposite of here.

OAO, if this is your way of doing things, then i must have been the luckiest person in the world in my past life. i must have been the happiest. cuz seriously, in this lifetime, you're raking it all in. this is prolly the pay-back lifetime eh?

i was prolly a queen or an empress or something. cuz this. this is... 

i'm okay. i'm just not happy. 

i can't explain it you know, i'm okay, i'm satisfied, i'm not complaining, it's just that, at the same time, i'm not complete. i mean, i love my family, my friends (well i do, they just don't feel the same way), my life in general (i mean, i will have a pretty solid future i think), so i'm not really a wash out, but i'm sad. it's just... sad.

hundred-eightieth.

dear (k)you,

so today i woke up from a very bad case of stomachache and to a very bad case of headache. and it sucks. i can't even relax properly with this throbbing behind my eyes. i refuse to believe it's migraine, since i don't get those. 

anyway. it's my last two weeks before i dive into depression hell once again. my "plan" for this vacation was a total bust, like i ever expected it to work anyway.

you're doing well i suppose. i've actually stopped looking for news about you. i'm just scared of what i might find out. i like you best in my head anyway.

wtf. that's just some scary stalker thoughts. 

it's the acetaminophen talking. (yeah, oldest trick in the book -- blame it on the drugs)

hundred-seventy ninth.

dear (k)you,

THIS.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/maybe-in-another-universe-i-deserve-you/

this is just something that kind of sums up you and me, kind of. i wish i could write something as beautiful as this. but well, with so much junk in my head, i don't think it could be possible. 

but anyway, say you did read the article, what if ne? what if there really was  a multi-universe out there, and there was at least one universe where we actually stood a chance with each other? what all those scenarios in my head aren't all imaginations, but a subconscious connection to my other multiverse selves and i just happen to be in one of those universes that do not end up with you? what if say, we really could be together?

i guess if i could know for certain, that there was at least one "me" that could be living happily with one of "you", i guess i'd be happy. very happy.

maybe there is a universe where i don't dream of running away to where you are. maybe there is a universe where you want to be with me, instead of me wanting you. maybe there is a universe where you could have loved me forever. and maybe in that universe, i let you.
 

hundred-seventy eighth.

dear (k)you,

hallo. i just came back from a trip with my friends, so i didn't think of you much. sorry. i guess there's just something about my house that reminds me of you. or maybe it's just the alone-ness that leads my scumbag brain to think of you very often. more often than what is healthy.

so anyway, an eighth of the reason i went on the trip was actually to look for something to fill this stupid void in my heart. unfortunately, it did not. for the most part, it prolly even made it worse. all the more i want to look for you, or someone like you.

while on a road trip during the escapade, i heard this song, i prolly shared it to you already, since it sorta embodies my whole obsession with you, in a less freakish manner (cause believe me, there is a song that is freakily about you, but we'll save that for a rainy day). anyway, it says:

"...you know that i could use somebody. someone like you and all you know and how you speak... you know that i could use somebody... someone like you... off in the night while you're living it up, i'm off to sleep... i hope it's gonna make you notice, someone like me..."

basically, it goes something like that. i really could. really. if OAO could just give me a break.

but he prolly won't until i become a better person, and i am so far from being one. why the hell am i such a bad person anyway? karma has got it lined up for me, prolly consecutive life sentences.

i do have a back-up plan though. i'm more or less going to earn more than the average joe, so i am really going to get myself a child. one way or another.

scary thoughts i know, but well, it's a scary world nowadays anyway, baby you better get used to it.

hundred seventy-seventh.

dear (k)you,

i think i should be buried alive, no, something worse than that. i have the worst faith in my friends. it turns out, they didn't really "desert" me yesterday, it was all in my head (my mind is really dangerous when it's been alone the whole time). apparently, it was really nothing, they are just like that, my friends are NOT clingy people. 

i shouldn't be too. no one ever liked being clingy. and usually, those rare people that do, are... well... complete assholes (yes exboyfriend i am looking at you)

i guess all this being lonely just made me feel like i need someone to be with me. 

fuck. i hate that this ended up here. AGAIN. is there ever an end to this self-pitying that i do?

i guess not. so OAO is prolly laughing His mighty ass (i am so going to hell for this) off watching me. and He's prolly not going to give me what i want until i stop it with all this drama.

believe me, i do. i really do want to stop this!

but to my scumbag brain, Y U ALWAYS THINK OF HIM WHO I'LL NEVER HAVE.

scumbag brain, scumbag heart. 

ps: this is the first time i actually did 2 entries on successive days, after a very, very, very, very long time! hooray for me! 

hundred seventy-sixth.

dear (k)you,

today, i am actually very sad. i really don't know why. i probably underestimate my friends, but i just can't help feeling that way. maybe because i'm too paranoid of being alone. or she just has her special way of making people feel very very left out. but whatever the case, right now, i feel so lonely. 

funny thing though, i never felt this way about my other friends, just to them. fuck. i am such a terrible person. or maybe because i'm just feeling mighty guilty for what happened. because i purposely did this. it's prolly the guilt talking right now. 

if i could really just fast forward everything. i really want to leave this place. seriously, there is nothing here that would make me want to stay besides my family. and let's face it, if i become filthy fucking rich, i can just relocate them all. 

what have i become eh? everything i ever thought NOT to be. i'm this age, with no job, no fucking diploma, no self-esteem, no faith, no happiness, no brains, no talent, no special someone...

i can go on and on about how pitiful i am, but it'd prolly make you think so bad of me already. i've prolly made you hate me even before you actually meet me. 

this is hopeless.

hundred seventy-fifth.

dear (k)you,

it's been a while huh? i actually told myself i would TRY my best to forget, rather, push you out of my life mind. but well, when did my plans ever go right anyway? but to my credit, i almost succeeded (for more than a month or so). see, i went to this vacation, to the city where dreams are made, and i fell in love. for a moment, i wanted to literally leave everything behind and run away. OAO knows how many people have run away and took refuge in that city anyway, i wouldn't be much of a difference.

oh and i shouldn't regret to mention that i also fell in love with a human being (yes, i am capable of doing that too, even though he is as much, if not more, unattainable as you are, but whatever). see, you know that i have this sick attachment to the number 17 right? and well, i saw him, with that number, so yeah, basically my scumbag brain interpreted it as us (him and me) being meant to be and shit, and started making up all these bizarre situations that we magically fall in love with each other in the city where i want to build the rest of my life. so yeah, of course OAO isn't going to be one-upped by my brain, and i ended up back here, home, probably less of a person as i was when i started the trip.

the good thing though was that for a while i seem to have forgotten you. HAH. see i am capable of doing it, albeit a short time. but yeah. and then i had to go and look at stupid pictures of you, and look at old videos of you i had shoved in somewhere. and my scumbag heart started that weird beat thing again. so yeah. fuck me.

ps: i did get a new laptop though. this is my first time writing to you in it, so yay! baptism of.. hm, let's call him "gyu". just because.

pps: so i tell myself, welcome back. 

ppps: this is the 175th post. which eerily feels like hunger games-ish. meh. may the odds be ever in my favor. pft.

hundred-seventy fourth.

dear (k)you,

i am drunk. right now. and i don't think i'm going to make sense for the next few minutes. so i apologize for anything wrong.

anyway, i hate expectations. they freaking ruin everything. like when my bestfriend said she'd set me up with this person, and i start obsessing with this person already, but then it falls through. my BFF forgot that she would set me up, so here i was expecting at least a meager date, when in reality, it was all one sided. a one sided plan to get me out of my stupid pathetic miserable...

i don't even want to continue it.

fuck. please save me.

hundred-seventy third.

dear (k)you,

it was your birthday 2 days ago. i meant to write. to greet you. but i guess that was part of my "weaning" away from you program.

unfortunately, that doesn't cover moments like this when i feel like crap. seriously. i don't understand it. i choose to be here in my house, with my family. but the thing is, they don't seem to like me even a fraction of as much as i love them. i don't think they even like me.

classic example, whenever i open my mouth and ask a question, even the most mundane things, they literally IGNORE me or answer me irritably. i mean seriously.

well, i do think i kinda deserve it, i mean, i do treat someone in this house like that. but fuck. i definitely should get a personality upgrade. maybe then people will start to like me.

i try my best to be likeable, but seems like it all ends up as being annoying to my family. and sometimes i can't help but wonder, what they would feel if i suddenly disappeared or died. heh. that would be something huh. if i died.

i wish i do. just so i can see all their faces and make them realize how much they took me for granted.

yeah. belated happy birthday btw.

hundred-seventy second.

dear (k)you,

so yeah. nothing's changed, pretty much. i'm still stressed out, i'm still sad, and i still think of you, every so often.

clinics is killing me. big time. it's not even fun anymore, cuz then i have to think that this is what i will be doing for the rest of my life.

i really wish i could make a miracle happen. but then again, i'd prolly abuse that.

i am not making sense. fck.

hundred-seventy first,

dear (k)you,

okay. OAO now you're just messing with me. wasn't enough that you were near me this morning, afternoon, whatever. BUT YOU'RE ACTUALLY SLEEPING WITHIN 4 KILOMETERS. and tom, if you're still there, i'm gonna be there since my station is right there. MAN!

again, the last time were were this close was 2 years ago.

hundred-seventieth.

dear (k)you,

okay. so you were here. you ARE here. and you were doing something in this popular place and guess what?

I WAS FREAKING WITHIN 4 KILOMETERS OF YOU AGAIN THE WHOLE EFFIN AFTERNOON.

fuck me. the last time we were this close to each other would be almost 2 years ago. difference is then i saw you.

pff. as if i had a chance of seeing you there anyway, what with all the angry girls throwing themselves at you.

still, i found it funny cuz, i was wondering where you were, dreaming about my usual crazy ass thoughts the whole time i was in the spa room, and this whole time, you were just... there.

waaay you eff up my 2012.

hundred-sixty ninth.

dear (k)you,

well HAPPY NEW YEAR! although it's a bit late, my mind's been a bit out of it lately. but anyway... i just got some fairly shocking news.

who knew... THAT YOU ARE COMING HERE? i mean. seriously? a little bird told me that 2 of your friends are here already, AND THAT YOU ARE FOLLOWING IN A WHILE?

why are you doing this to me all of a sudden? is it not enough that i will be entering the new year with the thought of you? (actually, it's kinda funny huh? since i'm finally kinda coming into terms with the fact that yeah you are an impossibility... AND THEN YOU PULL SOMETHING LIKE THAT)

really. way to pull me back into the limbo mister.

and the sad part is, after all this talk and realization and bullshit that i've realized, i only have one thing to say:

THANK YOU.

(fuck this.)