hundred-thirteenth.

dear (k)you,

MERRY CHRISTMAS! ~~ <3

here's to another year... will i get to see you too? it seems bleak, but yes, i sure do hope so.

OAO, it's you're baby's birthday, give me a miracle, yeah?

kidding <3

hundred-twelfth.

dear (k)you,

so yeah, how many hearts would be invaded for the wrong reason, (how many times would i have had my heart go into a roller coaster frenzy), if each time you said "i love you", you meant it?

before i start to forget, merry chirstmas.

it'll be another year. one that might mark the start of my perpetual moving on from my crazy infatuation over you. i might, i might not. but whatever.

i still miss you today, and prolly will tomorrow. the day after that, i'll let you know.

hundred-eleventh.

dear (k)you,

okay. so for lack of better company, i'm going to resort to ranting to you. i'm only going to say this once, because i prolly wouldn't have the heart to say it again -- to anybody. I FUCKING HATE HER! i mean, what the hell is going through her demented mind? i mean, is she that busy to not FEEL that she's hurting other people? why the hell does she keep acting like we haven't been friends for the past SIX FUCKING YEARS! okay no technically, it's not six years, we've been friends, NINE MOTHER FUCKING YEARS! that's fucking close to a decade already. and what? she IGNORES ME??? what the hell is that?

okay. i'm calming down now, and thinking through this rationally. am i being selfish here? that i slightly impose my presence and that i demand that she give me and audience when i'm being all emotional and stuff? i think not, see she was the one who told me to just call when i need to right? and what the hell is her problem, that she IGNORES that supposed call? okay. fine. MAYBE, she has so much to think about. i know what that's like. i've gone through that stage too, that i ignored people because i was busy with schoolwork. BUT WHAT FUCKS ME OFF IS THE FACT THAT SHE'S NOT THAT BUSY SINCE SHE CAN STILL GO OUT, HAVE FUN AND WHATNOT WITH OTHER FRIENDS.

i mean, back up one second! am i not a good enough friend to warrant a single reply? am i not enough of a friend for her huh? and what is with ditching me and another friend, to go and "have a fun saturday" with her other friends. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???

okay see normally, i wouldn't really get mad. actually, no i am not mad. i'm more hurt than mad because when all is said and done, what hurts is that i cannot even warrant a proper reply from her. i don't mind her saying "no i can't" or "maybe next time" or even just a "no". but what's so painful is that i keep on approaching her, and there's nothing. no reply, no reaction whatsover. i mean really, is that what our friendship has come to? sometimes i feel like she doesn't trust me as a friend anymore, seeing as she'd rather spend time with other people. and that just makes me sad since, it's a friendship that has weathered years. come on, almost 10 years. and it's not like we haven't been through stuff. we have. we've been with eachother, and yet. in the end, it's like we're strangers.

what makes me even more sad, is i resorted to tell this to you. non existent you.

hundred-tenth.

dear (k)you,

so yeah, i was looking through the papers and found out that someone won the lottery the other day. freak ass. then it made me wonder (prolly for the nth time since i can remember), what i would do if ever i won the lottery.

and true to my freaky self, i realized that the first thing i'm going to do is switch schools. yeah, weird huh? i mean, i'm more than halfway done with this path i've taken (i'm not saying it's near already -- i can't even see the end of the tunnel yet) but still, after all these years, i would still drop it like that, start from scratch, if the opportunity (and yes, the money) would present itself. of course i'm not gonna start over HERE. NO WAY. once i get my hands on money enough to bring me and my family somewhere other than here (read: sparkly), i would literally jump on the next plane out. and then i'm gonna buy my own place there and live happily in search of love.

heh. this is precisely the reason OAO doesn't make me or any of my family members win. i want these things for all the wrong selfish reasons. but i mean, come on, who in this world would want to win the lottery without any selfish reason or thought? i'd like to meet him/her and say "YEAH RIGHT" to their faces. hahaha. mean. mean. mean.

anyway, i have another wasted day at school again toady. i say wasted cuz i only have an hour's worth of class. but i dunno. hopefully my friend would take pity on me and meet me later on. cuz... i dunno. they say sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands. i just hope that this is a better investment than what i put on you. hahaha

yeah yeah i'm not making sense again. it's exam season like i said, and you know how incoherent i get during this season. but on the bright side, i'm through with 1 of 4 exams lined up for this year. YEAH.

on that note, at least for 2010... i can see the end of the tunnel. now i only need 2011 and 2012.

hundred-ninth.

dear (k)you,

so yeah, it's exam season for me now. again. as if it ever stopped. anyway, i'll have my first exam, in roughly 30 hours. i've gone through everything already, but well, might not be enough. it's never enough in my hell-inspired school. so yeah. it's really been the longest time since i refrained from getting news from you. i say refrained because OAO knows how much i have wanted to really check out how you're doing, but i didn't want to. i don't know, is it my way of forgetting you? (cuz frankly if it is, it's not working seeing as i am here again talking to you moronically - although you hafta hand it to me, these have been greatly reduced) but whatever, my life is a standstill until now. nothing interesting is happening, or even going to happen. i so i guess i still look forward to that moment. that moment i wear that freaking toga, march on that forsaken stage and get that long-deserved diploma. and finally hop on the next plane out and leave this sorry excuse for a country.

yeah, i talk so big and mean. like i care. i really have no feelings when it comes to this place. none at all. i mean, the people here with me are great. if i can all pack them into one box and bring them with me, why not. but this place in general is a place where development is not possible. it fell into a rut, and it's either going to stay there, or (the more likely one) fall deeper. it's a place where i can't see myself being happy.

where you are on the other hand... well. it's a sparkling place, where love can happen. and i am counting on that ad to deliver okay? so you better be ready when i get there (i might make plans to go there to check things out, before i make it permanent)

yeah. i talk scary i know. scares me too.

hundred-eighth.

dear (k)you,

it's been a while. for both of us. a lot of things have changed, but funny enough, a lot of things haven't either. one of them being my self-proclaimed moronic claim over you. heh. anyway, 2 nights ago i watched this musical. it's supposed to be light and romantic. feel good if i say so myself. of course, only to someone as sad and pathetic as me would it have an opposite effect. there was this one song that totally pushed all the, i wouldn't say wrong, but all the right buttons to make me freaking depressed. add to the situation some things that happened about you, and voila! i had an alcohol induced night, with a 730am class the next day to boot. suffice to say i survived the next half day with a constant feeling of nausea.

anyway, here's the blasted song that managed to cripple me emotionally for a half day or so. i made a little adjustments. heh.

She turns around
And she meets his gaze
The lights are dim,
There’s a smoky haze
They share a smile
And a secret wave
It’s a moment built to save
They start to move
Across the floor
The room is frozen,
Wanting more
The happy couple on display
With nothing standing
In their way
It’s so romantic I could die
Right here and now
It’s gonna be that way for me
I know somehow
Someday when it’s me
I’ll know my love
Was meant to be
Not one single complication
Or cause for hesitation
Someday when the dream
Is coming true
All he’ll need is me
And all I’ll need is (k)you ^.^V
They stop and pose
For a photograph
He jokes around
Just to make her laugh
The room is full,
But they’re all alone
They have a language
All their own
And I’m so jealous I could cry
Cause yes I know
It might (or rather never?) be long
Before he says
We’re good to go
Someday when it’s me
I’ll know my love
Was meant to be
Not one single complication
Or cause for hesitation
Someday when the dream
Is coming true
All he’ll need is me
And all I’ll need is (k)you
I know not every marriage
Lasts when things go bad
I’ve seen the warning signs
I call them “Mom” and “Dad”
But soon he’ll take my hand
And pledge his love to me
Till then I’ll just get married vicariously
Someday when it’s me
I’ll know my love
Was meant to be
Not one single complication
Or cause for hesitation
Someday when the dream
Is coming true
All he’ll need is me
And all I’ll need is (k)you!

hundred-seventh.

dear (k)you,

something funny happened to me the other day. so for the past, 2-3 days, i was working in this convention for my people of my would be profession. so basically, we just hang around forums and talks, handing out papers and asking people to turn off the flash in their cameras. we occasionally ferry speakers from the lounge to their function rooms. and would you have it? we had tons of speakers from your land! and get this, one of them. actually, the first speaker i tended to, would you believe, is actually an alum in your school. heh. kinda funny.

but well, that's that. i just realized how much i isolate myself from "people", because i always have you in mind. you. always you.

hundred-sixth.

dear (k)you,

i'm beginning to think you have this lucky charm on me. i mean, i did think that before, but well, reality hit me and i kinda forgot about it. but now, whoa. see, ever since i started ranting to you again, things started to fall into place. i mean, the exam that i HAVE to pass, paved it's way to let me scrape a decent passing score. and the exam that i feel too bitter about? guess what? turns out the professor went crazy, used the calculator wrong and counted my grade wrong. turns out i'm exempted from taking that exam. kekeke. can't believe it tho.

now, if only i passed that one other test. hmm. but i guess that would be pushing my luck huh? oh and, my tooth is hurting so bad right now. actually, i might have to go get an rct. feel my dread right now. but come on, i practically living on the pain killers lately and last night, i couldn't sleep a wink. and i ended up sleeping sitting down, cuz lying down only makes the pain worse. i've never felt this kind of pain ever. it was just surreal. i felt like i was going to faint from the pain honestly. and i have high pain tolerance. physical pain i mean, mental pain is a little different.

crap. it hurts soooo much right now. i guess i hafta go and drink another round, since it's my sister's birthday dinner, and no amount of pain can stop me from eating pizza and pasta. kekeke. need to gain weight too, and a toothache wouldn't be helpful right?

hundred-fifth.

dear (k)you,

okay. i take it back. i guess things are a bit better now. i just passed 75% of the exam that i HAVE to pass, and it feels really good. i mean, having to hear the word, "okay" is so comforting this day. i honestly felt like a chorus of angels were singing when the professor gave me her okay signal.

still feel peeved about the weather. i just need an excuse to not do anything at all. or at least THAT thing. that exam that i feel too bitter about >.<

hundred-fourth.

dear (k)you,

okay. 4 days to go, and officially i've totally lost any want of life. i'm serious, OAO, You sold me out. but whatever, like i said, i've totally lost any hold on anything. I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

who am i kidding, of course, deep down, i still kinda care. after all, this world is founded on stuff like this. (stuff like what? you might be asking. frankly, i'm not too sure) anyway.

remember 15ish days ago, i was ranting about messing up this exam, well, i totally messed it up already. as in totally. i'm taking a removal exam for it the next semester, and if i don't make it still then, i will be having my first ever failed subject. EVER. IN MY LIFE. and it's really very sucky for me i swear. ugh. don't care. and it doesn't help that the next 4 days, i have more exams coming. one i feel all too bitter about. another, I HAVE TO PASS. NO MATTER WHAT. and i don't know what to do anymore. i swear.

and to cap it all off, stupid weather isn't being cooperative too. there's supposed to be a super typhoon plaguing this sorry excuse of a country of mine. and while i know it'd mean tragedy to most of the people here in the metro. i am actually so peeved that it's off my several kilometers. all i want is a sorry excuse to forgo this fucking week. i've honestly never been this stressed in my life. and i know i'm not one to talk about stress at all, given that i am a student, and there are a million things to be stressed over, but what can i do? i prolly just have a low tolerance for life. and how i wish life would just decide to be bored with itself and do something. ANYTHING. or i don't know. would be a good time for a meteor to fall or something. hit the earth.

on the bright side (actually i don't know if this is really bright), i guess your coming back here. kekeke. i'll get to see you again. hopefully. maybe this time, you'll see me? heh. i doubt.

OAO was never one to answer my pleas anyway.

hundred-third.

dear (k)you,

today i just had prolly the worst day of this whole semester. yep. 20 days remaining, and i get THAT day. well, it isn't really very new anymore. i've gotten my share of rejected work from the past. but this one's different. this particular exercise actually has the ability to dictate my future. and i kinda messed it up. see cuz, we get 3 chances to do the exercise. most of my classmates forfeited the first chance. so they get 2, i get 3. but sadly, i messed up the 1st try. but anyways. what does it matter anyway?

oh yeah, it matters cuz i really want to face you proudly again. without any subject left behind. granted that yes, if i do not pull this through, i will not technically get delayed, but still. that kinda puts me behind the class now wouldn't it? and i'm already right smack in the middle so... that'll be really sad then.

anyway. have faith in me my dear self-proclaimed soulmate. help me have the courage to face this head on. and that at the end of 20 days. i can still proudly stand and say. "ON TIME."

hundred-second.

dear (k)you,

i seriously need to psyche myself up for the remaining 36 (technically 35) days of this hell semester. but anyway, you know about guy 2 right? if not, backtrack! anyway, i think i hafta start sorting out my feelings for him. i mean, not that i ever had some, but well, he was a nice possibility. but i think that'd be out of the picture now. see he has this sorta bestfriend in school. they are so close, you'd actually think they have a thing for each other, save for the fact that bestfriend has a long standing boyfriend (it's so solid, that it's the sort of relationship that actually would IDEALLY lead to marriage). but anyway, long story short, girlfriend and boyfriend broke up and now she's single. guy 2 is single. and well. that's that. plus, there's this other classmate, that had doubtful relations with guy 2, save also for the fact that she had a boyfriend. but well, they also broke up. i guess guy 2 can now choose and have the time of his life. and i hafta really sort out my feelings, that is until i get to voodoo my way in to your heart (nah just kidding), i guess until THAT day. (THAT is yet to be determined)

hundred-first.

dear (k)you,

hi. i said i was going into hibernation, but since, i drank today, and well, it hasn't ended yet, i figured, what the hell?

anyway, i'm really wishing i get to see you again. but i have to exhaust my wishes today, not on you, but on my uncle. see, he's mentally retarded, and well, he got lost a few days ago. he's missing right now, and well, we want to find him real soon - UNHARMED. so here's us praying, and wishing, and praying.

so OAO, lead him back home alright? or at least, make the timing perfect. please. it's been days. i don't know how he's sleeping or eating. just let us find him. please.

hundreth.

dear (k)you,

this is before (yet again) i go into hibernation. but really, i don't know what to say. i think i've gotten over that hump i was having trouble with. nothing can go wrong if i fill myself with positive thoughts. hmm. i've done it before, i just never realized it. anyway. since this is the hundreth post and it's a milestone, let me show you a picture that well, pretty much sums up how i feel about you:

ninety-ninth.

dear (k)you,

okay before i go into hibernation again, i need to stress that i am at this point in my life where seriously, i really don't know why i am doing this. i do not like what i am going to be. i am not even remotely good at it! but well, i guess it'll just have to do.

i really really need a miracle or an intervention, whatever you might want to call it. i need you. i am willing to suck it all up until that day, if i can just be sure. but well, it wouldn't be called "life" it we can all plan everything and be sure about everything right?

i am not making sense. next entry would mark my hundredth letter. let's hope i can make it something special.

ninety-eighth.

dear (k)you,

i miss(ed) you. so much really. i hate this.

ninety-seventh.

dear (k)you,

i am going to go into hibernation again, maybe for the whole week until wednesday. and i feel really sad that before i do, i am going to rant about how this is the worst monday of my 2010. but that's life. actually, relatively it wasn't THAT bad. since one, i was able to get my unknown (it's a lab test wherein we needed to find a freaking organism on a self-stained slide) in a matter of minutes (i was one of the first ones to finish). but other than that life just became a bitch and bitched me over. cuz of:

one: the exam i took today. i knew it. going online the night before an exam is really a death sentence. i did study but the ones that i skipped, were the ones that literally came out of the exam. every single one. and it was just crap cuz it would have been easy if i knew what to study. but oh well. if i fail, it's not like i didn't deserve it.

two: they just told me that next monday, we will be having an exam for the worst subject in the world, PLUS we have to report on a subject, PLUS we have another additional report for another subject, PLUS we might have another exam on another one of those worst subjects. so. there.

three: to make things WORSE, that monday was supposed to be a holiday but our freak of a president, didn't want to declare it one so yeah, life just sucks all around

oh and four: it doesn't help that you are so freaking close with this girl friend of yours (please note the space between the words "girl" and "friend")

and five: to top this whole day off, IT RAINED. and i DIDNT HAVE A FUNCTIONAL UMBRELLA WITH ME. so yeah. BEST DAY.

so OAO, remember what i said? You've already made my day so bad. and it's not like you're not going to make other days worse. but i don't care. so as long as you answer that 2 wishes i made on (what i think is) that shooting star. i don't care if you make everyday moday and that you pick on me for all eternity. JUST FOR THAT. just for that.

ninety-sixth.

dear (k)you,

i really really need you already. it's not helping that school is being a bitch and taking up all of my time. but seriously. i really need you already.

ninety-fifth.

dear (k)you,

this is unbelieveable. what the hell did i get myself into? i know i've said things that i never really pushed through with, but lately i seem to be doing things that i tell myself to do. like
1. i told myself not to use the computer when there's an exam coming. while technically i said "a whole day before the said exam", i'm actually doing it days, even a week, before it. so what's up with that?
2. i told myself i'm gonna do this losing weight thing (honestly, not that i need to, actually i don't. i need to gain weight, or maybe maintain it). in the past, i cheat. but now, i am not. although this i think is because i'm having a sorta bet with a few friends, to reach a certain (scary) weight by the end of september. i need to lose 10lbs, my friends need to lose 30, so i don't know why i'm actually taking this too seriously. maybe for you? i don't know.

in other news, i really need to get to you. some things are happening in my life and while it was fun before, i think it's getting a little too messy right now. and all this will stop when you come and get me already. hmpf. not that you would but, theoretically. my mind is so messed up right now. i am so messed up. and tomorrow isn't going to be any better because this teacher is picking on me. i mean, she's not picking on me in a bad way. it's just that, i wanna finish already, and she's not letting me move on! i don't know why, so because she's trying to delay me (not that she's doing it on purpose of course), i am already losing my momentum. hurgh. it's so tiring.

i need to have a breaker. OAO, please?

i will write again soon. this is already nearing a hundred. oh, and still in other news, you've opened up to the world! although i haven't checked it again, and i am honestly scared to do so, cuz i don't know, i am possessive like that, but still, it's good that you have a life. heh.

ja ne!

ninety-fourth.

dear (k)you,

oh-ho. guess what? i'll be hibernating again for the next two weeks huhuhu. i have about 6 exams in a weeks time and i haven't even studied for one yet. better get started already.

in lighter news, 4 of the 5 exams i had got back and they were good. i actually have no qualms about any of them (well, maybe except one.) but on the average. they were pretty good (considering it's me who took them). i hope this winning streak would continue until the end of the semester. please oh please ok? work your magic. kekeke

ninety-third.

dear (k)you,

okay seriously. what is it with you guys and food and unrequited love? i'm watching this drama series and this guy (we'll call him guy a) is pulling on my emotional strings.

see this is the scenario: so guy a and girl have this complicated relationship but basically, like all the drama plots, guy a likes, no maybe loves, girl and girl feels a little for him, but is stupid enough to not acknowledge it. and so girl makes this home made meal for guy a and right when they're already eating it, guy b (who girl is actually pinning for) calls and asks girl to come out and play, and stupid girl leaves guy a and her almost untouched meal. and then we pan out to a slight montage of guy b and girl eating in a restaurant and guy a finishing his meal. and when guy a is about to clean up, seeing girl's untouched food, he sits down and eats it IN TEARS.

i mean what's up with that? why'd he have to eat it and make me cry? grr. and this is not even the first time i see this scene. i've seen it somewhere before too (tsk tsk mr. PD-nim why are you recycling scenes eh?) anyway. damn. makes me fall for a guy who would do that.

now i wonder, would you?

THIS IS SUCH A RANDOM ENTRY. my brain feels like it's scrambled or something. gosh.

ninety-second.

dear (k)you,

after weeks of hibernating, i finally went out with my friends with the lingering thought of meeting boys (i honestly dressed up and prepped myself to get noticed). it wasn't all disappointing. we did get stared at and a group of guys did have the courage to talk to us... if only they weren't AS YOUNG AS MY BROTHER! fuck.

and there were some of your country men. one was absofuckingley cute. but well, they were out with a group of girls. fuck. this night was disappointing.

i wish you were near me.

ninety-first.

dear (k)you,

i'm gonna start this sort of picture entr(ies) from now on. coz i think pictures say a thousand words. lol whut? kekeke anyway, before i start that, i wanna rant again. man i got the results of one of the dreaded tests. it was relatively okay. but i feel frustrated coz i could've gotten a higher grade, if i KNEW HOW THE TEACHER THINKS. i always get struck down by that! damn it. i could've gotten a real high score. but oh well, like last term, that subject has a way of disappointing me in several different levels. but i'm still glad i was able to pass that exam, with a possibility of getting exempted, but i doubt. anyway, at least it's a very comfortable spot. i won't fail. i declare.

anyway. moving on to the picture of the day: THIS. says a lot, (i think), of what i want to say to you.

nintieth.

dear (k)you,

i am gonna let another tidbit of you slip. some 3 years ago, you got into an accident. and you almost died. thank you for not. coz if you did die then, i would have never known you. so many things about me wouldn't have happened or would be different if you died that day. so thank you.

oh and funny, i recalled what i was doing then, and that was the one and only time i kinda "cheated" my then boyfriend. no connection whatsoever. it was just funny.

anyway. thank you again. oh, and your older brothers are so sweet. i could love you all to the heavens and back (you more than them. kekeke)

OAO, thanks. <3 i owe you.

eighty-ninth.

dear (k)you,

can you believe that i actually pushed through with my hibernation? i mean, i really went through with it, and i didn't touch the computer for a whole week! (internet i mean). i guess i'm overly focused now? i am so scared of failing, coz failing would keep me 1 more year away from the possibility of you. and i don't want that. a lot can happen in a year, so the faster i get on that road, the better. it's like this quote i read, "always think that there's a cute guy at the end of the tunnel". well, i always think that there's YOU at the end of the tunnel, and i when i do, i want to run as fast as i can towards the end. but of course, i have to get through these hurdles. and man. the past week or so was one of the rather bad ones. i literally studied the whole week. i always had study materials in my hands, reading and memorizing my ass off. only to do bad on 2 of the 5 exams i had. shit. but anyway, whatever these hardships, they'll eventually just pass. and pass they did. although i have to admit, it was one of the longest weeks ever.

in other news, i found the cutest thing circulating in the internet that concerns you. ahh. really. how can you make my heart beat fast, slow and irregularly at the same time huh?

damn. i wanna marry you.

eighty-eighth.

dear (k)you,

i should be studying, really. i have to study almost 60 pages of pure i-don't-know-whats. but my brain refuses.

and my back hurts.

and my head hurts.

and my legs feel like they're jello.

and my back hurts even more.

and my knees feel like they have a lot of rust already.

and my neurons are failing to synapse already.

maybe my GABA levels are so high? or my Na channels are closed for the night? whatcha think?

TOX. IC.

need energy drinks now.

eighty-seventh.

dear (k)you,

i wanna talk to you, before i hibernate, prolly for the whole week. anyway, guess what, i'll be having 5 exams this next few days. it's not really so much of a pain, if only I AM NOT SICK. well, thank God, i'm not THAT much sick, just a little (no a lot) cough and colds. But i feel really really bad. it doesn't help that this god-forsaken place we call country has freaking weather mood swings. i mean, talk about sun in the morning and downpour (take not, not rain, but downpour) in the afternoon-evening. i mean, honestly, how can people not get sick with this kind of weather? and not to mention, again, that i will be having examS. i would feel better if it were one or two, but come on? 5? and i'm sick?

talk about bad timing. well, if you think about it, i am all about bad timing. i am probably the most mediocre person, that's why nothing good ever happens to me. but i am so mediocre that OAO just opts to give me bad things. bad bad bad. can't even have a fairytale love story like the rest of the girls in the world. and that's all i really want. oh, and you. kekekeke

i'm gonna go and shut up now.

eighty-sixth.

dear (k)you,

well, it's that time of the year again. this is my last weekend before i jump in into all the exams. i wonder though why i'm not that panicky. maybe coz i still have a few days. but i don't know, considering i have 3 exams in just one week and i haven't even started memorizing like crazy. but well, i'll get to that. maybe tomorrow. what i'm really, really scared of is laboratory work. i cannot - under any circumstance - afford to lag behind lab work, actually, i have to be good at it coz we have practical exams at the end of term and i am pretty sure, i might suck at it. ugh. why must i have suckass hand and eye coordination? how do i expect to become a professional with this kind of shit? i guess i have to focus real hard.

and believe me, you are still a very good motivation, even though you decided to kinda disappear from the radar. honestly, where are you these days? i don't even know. it's like you just evaporated when everyone was giving you all that attention. well, can't say i don't kinda like it - i mean, at least it's less stressful for you. but i wish i knew what you were up to. but then again, who am i anyway?

eighty-fifth.

dear (k)you,

this just NAILED IT. this one, WAS MEANT FOR ME.

THE REMINDERS IN THE SKY:

you are the distance between the way things are and the way i want them to be.

-from IWTFY <3

eighty-fourth.

dear (k)you,

i've decided already. i'm going to stop this nonsense about being anorexic already. this is really crazy, coz there you are, being sick out of your wits, prolly wanting to gain weight, and here i am, depriving myself of the right amount of food. it's crazy. i don't want to get sick. that's all.

i'll prolly still diet, just a little bit, but i don't think i'll go back to being what i was back then. no more. i'd like to go back to eating 3 meals a day. thank you.

on the consolation side, at least i know you don't mind dating chubby girls. NOT THAT I'M CHUBBY. kekeke. i'm just not SKINNY.

eighty-third.

dear (k)you,

... the one man i can never meet.

... him i'd like to give my whole heart to.

F the lake house.

eighty-second.

dear (k)you,

les miserables is messing with me right now! i spent the good half of the morning listening to the 10th anniversary concert on youtube and i spent the good half of that time crying my eyes out!

funny though, i only listened to 3 specific videos. the 1) ultimate favorite "on my own"; 2) the encore performance where the 17 jean valjeans from different countries were singing (MAN GOOSEBUMPS EVEN IF I CAN'T UNDERSTAND SOME OF THE LANGUAGES); and 3) that stupid "i dreamed a dream". i particularly hate that song because it hits a nerve spot on.

i know i know, i have no right to actually say that my life is "this hell i'm living", but well, that's how i feel okay?

she sings, "i had a dream my life would be, so different from this hell i'm living"

i have no right yes. i eat more than the average person, i have good education, i have a wonderful family, i have wonderful friends, i have a good house, i can afford some luxuries. BUT WHY THE HELL DO I STILL FEEL SAD?

get this. sad is different from unsatisfied. i am very content with my life. but i still feel empty and sad? DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? how can someone by content yet feel still empty? i don't know. maybe because i keep wanting something i absolutely cannot have. or maybe i keep wanting something that's not within my reach.

it's like i'm always going back to a shoe store to keep looking at a pair that i know i couldn't have. i keep going there, outwardly saying that one day i'll be able to buy it, but knowing deep deep deep inside, that i can't. that i'm just actually waiting for someone else to buy it. but still, having that inch of hope that OAO would look kindly on me and just say "oh okay fine, here you can have it."

but that doesn't seem like within the next 3 years. i am tied down for 3 long years. why couldn't i have known these things back then? maybe i could be living "the dream i dreamed"...

..."and still i dreamed he'd come to me. and we would live the years together... but there are dreams that cannot be. and there are storms we cannot weather. i had a dream my life would be... so different from this hell i'm living. so different now from what it seemed. now life has killed the dream i dreamed."

eighty-first.

dear (k)you,

you may find this hard to believe but on of my favorite musicals is "les miserables". i know right? i sometimes can be classy. heh. but anyway, i first watched this musical on tape only, since it doesn't run where i am, but anyway daddy-o forced me to watch it and i fell in love with it. maybe i really like being miserable ne? keke. anyway, my ultimate favorite song there is eponine's "on my own". no reason really, i just like the lyrics and the melody and how eponine sang it.

but now it kinda takes a new meaning. coz of you. i don't know. i heard it on a variety show earlier and the lyrics seemed to be calling out to me. so weird.

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him...
But only on my own...

heheheh. think about it. ;'p

eigthieth.

dear (k)you,

hey. i do not do this at all. but let me just tell you. i'm a little drunk right now. i must be crazy, since i have school this afternoon. but what the hell. i'll prolly sober up in time for school anyway. which is roughly an hour or so.

anyway. i just want to tell you... can you please be my soulmate? huh? i know it's crazy and i know it's not possible and i know i prolly let a few good guys go because i am so caught up with you. but please? uh?

this is weird. i never do this. i never get irresponsibly drunk like this. lol.

seventy-ninth.

dear (k)you,

yesterday was special... at least for me.

i was secretly hoping and wishing that it was special to you too. or that you felt like yesterday was not like any other day. even if you do not know the reason outright.

but well... i wouldn't know that. hm.

i just wish this year could be better. no.

i wish this year could be the year i'm waiting for. hm.

seventy-eighth.

dear (k)you,

you have absolutely wonderful big brothers. absolutely adorkable. ah. you guys actually kill me. if i can love you all to pieces i will. kekeke. actually, i do. but of course, i love you best. hah.

anyway, i officially started school and let me tell you, i only had about, what 6 hours of lecture? and already my brain feels like it's going to go into hyperdrive and just die. lol. not because of information overload, but because i think i am so afraid of the days to come. it's like looking at a very, very, very, very (did i fail to mention very?) dark sky in the near horizon, with a side of thunder and lighting to boot. i don't think i have the confidence to do a good job. really. i dunno. the first step to success in this profession is confidence, but i think i don't have that at all. i am so scared and nervous. i even find myself wishing i develop some kind of disease or illness to prevent me from finishing this course. sucks i know but well, if OAO wants me to be this, then so be it. it'll prolly bring me closer to you in the end, so all the mental stress will be worth it.

speaking of that, a few days ago i've been fretting about my plans to go where you are when i finish school and set up a life there. i dunno because frankly, how can i build up my profession where you are? and then like an epiphany, my aunt was telling me about this friend of hers that works in the same field as her, but at the same time working in the same field as me. how cool is that? i mean, he has this employer back home that keeps him when he's not doing his other passion. i mean, kinda sad because that would mean i wouldn't be able to progress as a professional, but then again. i dunno. one thing's for sure though, i am going to be where there are kids. heh. coz i love them so. lol.

seventy-seventh.

dear (k)you,

i'm going back to school today. well, no actually tom, but er... whatever same banana. get ready for more exam-i-think-i'm-going-to-die-i-wanna-quit entries. ha. and just to show how much i am excited to get this semester over with, i actually have a countdown already. 138 days. please hurry up.

anyway, funny thing happened yesterday. we were at the beach, me and my friends, and there was this really LARGE group of boys who were giving us the eye. kinda flattering too, considering they were really hot. but well, too bad they're still in high school. talk about age differences. they were even younger than my baby sister. would've been nice if they were a tad older. but well, i'm too picky anyway (you know that). besides they were pinning for my other friend, i was just there. lol.

right. need to mentally prepare myself for school. AGAIN. so there. have you been resting? you better! coz if i hear you getting sick again, i'm gonna go into depression. lol. kidding. ^^

seventy-sixth.

dear (k)you,

i heard you were hospitalized. i swear your bosses are trying to kill you, making you do all that stuff. no wonder your colleagues keep quitting! but i'm still proud of you, you're still hanging on, hanging on to your dream :)

i lost that years ago, when i chose this path. but no matter, i got you as consolation prize anyway. wouldn't have found out about you if i had gone somewhere else.

like i said, i believe all those stuff about serendipity, and fate and all that. i believe that everything little thing that we do has a potential to change our future. has a potential to determine the people you meet, leave and love forever.

anyway, have a speedy recovery ne? eat healthy and rest. rest. rest.

fighting!!

seventy-fifth.

dear (k)you,

can i pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

i could really use a wish right now...

wish right now...

wish right now.

seventy-fourth.

dear (k)you,

where do i go to find you? huh? where?

who do i call to help me get to you? huh? who?

what do i need to do to have you? huh? what?

when will i see you again? huh? when?

how do i catch your attention? huh? how?

why do i like you so much? huh? WHYYYY?

i hate myself. really.

seventy-third.

dear (k)you,

i backtracked to the entry where i ranted about those stupid deals i made with OAO. i made this deal on april 17 that if it rains within a period of time (i wasn't sure if it was an a hour a month or a day a year), but point is now, the "answer" i got from that deal was "we meet again after roughly a year".

and then now i get the news that you might come back here 2011.

COME ON NOW. OAO STOP MESSING WITH ME.

because i wanna believe it. i really do.

i'm gonna go and ruin my life now. ruin my life and believe in that. waste another year and believe in that.

and you know what? i might regret it someday, but what the hell?

seventy-second.

dear (k)you,

so. it's been a long time. i just found out some thing(s) a few days ago. first, looks like i might be seeing you earlier than i expected. maybe in a year? kind of surreal since i remember making that deal with OAO, about seeing you in a year. heh.

second, someone you know might be coming here too. someone that i also had possessive, albeit a minimal amount, feeling for. heh. but i'm pretty sure i won't see him. not the way i did with you that is.

so anyway, my own personal hell will start in 7 days. i'm not looking forward to it, but well, be it as it may, at least it'll take me closer to seeing you again, and, ultimately, it'll take me closer to leaving this wasteland already.

although i have some inhibitions about it now, but well, i don't know. only time will tell.

seventy-first.

dear (k)you,

i'm doing this for fun ^^

1. I've come to realize that my boobs...
+ are getting smaller! lol.

2. I've come to realize that my job...
+ will still be there in the next 50 years.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
+ i talk to myself. and i do road rage. lol.

4. I've come to realize that I need...
+ kyou. lol. no. i need a way out.

5. I've come to realize that I've lost...
+ a lot.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
+ when i realize where and who i am.

7. I've come to realize that the person I like...
+ is so far. and is you.

8. I've come to realize that money...
+ makes the world go round. i'm not being a pessimist. 20 years ago, maybe not, but now... lol.

9. I've come to realize that people...
+ are scary. in a million different levels.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be...
+ cool ^^

12. I've come to realize that my mum...
+ is as cool as me ^^

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
+ is something i can live without.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
+ i ate so much last night.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
+ (seriously, without the "you-ness") i was really thinking of you. or talking to OAO about you.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...
+ you. and my exploding bladder. and how i'm being stupid writing this right now.

17. I've come to realize that my dad...
+ was the coolest guy ^^ (no bribing intended daddy-o)

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...
+ i get bored.

19. I've come to realize that today...
+ i need to lay off desserts. cake. sugar.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...
+ is my last night here.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow will be...
+ my last day in the cold.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
- live in a place where salons are open til 3am ;p

24. I've come to realize that life...
- is a bitch. you don't wanna deal with her, but you're curious enough to see if she can surprise you. and sometimes, she does.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...
- will be fun.

26. IS GONE.
- k.

27. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...
- is music on real high volume.

28. I've come to realize that my friends...
- are the best people in the world.

29.I've come to realize that the past year (2009)...
- pretty much sucked.

30. I've come to realize that the last person i kissed...
- is an ass. actually no, scratch that, is worse than an ass.

31. I've come to realize that when people walk out of my life...
- it's because i let them.

seventieth.

dear (k)you,

this is one of my favorite movies. and i love this part of the movie. really reflects what i want to tell OAO. lol. i've forgotten about this, but my brother suddenly put it on, and it still kinda fit my life.

grace: thank God you’re all right!

bruce: God? yeah, let’s thank God, shall we? for his blessings are raining down upon me. wait! That’s not rain!

g: bruce, please don’t do that, honey. you know that everything happens for a reason.

b: that i don’t need. that is a cliché. that is not helpful to me.

g: ”a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”!

b: i have no bird. i have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.

g: oh, i see. so God is picking on you, is that what you’re saying?

b: no! he is ignoring me completely! he’s far too busy getting Evan everything he wants. oh, that’s great, sam. but you missed your target. i am over here!

g: why are you getting mad at the dog? it’s not the dog’s fault.

b: no, it’s God’s fault. He gave him the wrong coordinates.

g: OK, enough! would you stop being such a martyr?

b: i am not being a martyr. i am a victim! God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill
with a magnifying glass, and i am an ant. he could fix my life in 5 minutes if he wanted to. but he’d rather burn up my feelers and watch me squirm!

------
b: OK God… you want me to talk to you? then tell me what’s going on. what should i do? give me a signal. i need your guidance, please, send me a sign.

OK, all right. i’ll try it your way. OK. Lord, i need a miracle. i am desperate. i need your help, Lord. please, reach into my life.

fine. the gloves are off, pal. come on, let me see that wrath. smite me! oh, mighty smiter! you are the one who should be fired! the only one around here not doing his job is you!

answer me!

sixty-ninth.

dear (k)you,

i've known for quite sometime that one of your close friends might be getting married soon. and i don't know why it has taken me this long to actually digest that fact and why it's actually ripping my heart. come on, i've also known for quite some time that you probably have someone important (in that sense) in your life. it may not be as open as some of your friends, but i know that you probably have one. it's not normal for you not to. i mean, you're that type of person that can get 90% of the girls that you want. what scares (i think that's the appropriate term) that shit out of me is, that you might get an idea of getting married too. and i might not be able to take it. i know, it's kind of crazy for me to feel this way, but, you know that i have this weird claim over you. and i'm sorry. but, i just keep wishing that it be you. you and me. it's possible. anything's possible you know.

just... promise me you won't do anything crazy like that. you're young, you still have a lot to go through, don't... just don't okay?

at least wait for me. coz i'll be there, one way or another, i will.

OAO, please. please make it me.

sixty-eighth.

dear (k)you,

we were driving from this world landmark and i kinda had this epiphany. this thing that i do, strangely, slightly, becomes reality. am i making sense? i mean. i do this at the spur of the moment. whatever crazy thing is in my head at the moment, whatever feelings i have, i write. and strangely, it happens just a bit closer to reality.

so right now, i have to start writing things that i want to happen. lol. see i watched this movie, it's called "the secret" and it says there that you just have to attract the positive energy around you, think what you want to happen, for it to actually happen.

so you and me will get together! lol. of course, it won't happen that fast. but it has to.

it has to.

sixty-seventh.

dear (k)you,

you know what? i think i wanna tell you some things about myself. lol. i just read this survey-type blog. people listing some 25 random facts about themselves. so maybe i wanna do it to. you know, just so you know what kind of person has this creepy-stalkerish-moronic-fangirl claim over you. so yeah.

1. i am slightly superstitious. i mean, some superstitions i don't really mind, but some i stick to them. especially those that pertain to love.

2. i am selective homophobic. i do not mind those people per se. but they should not, under any circumstances, include me in their business. i'm very supportive of how they want to live their lives, but they should leave me out of it. i am straighter than a ruler.

3. i like to cook. for someone who's being anorexic. pretty ironic.

4. sometimes i like to do things alone. yes. i'm not being anti-social here, but sometimes i like the idea of doing things alone, like this independent woman in an unknown country.

5. i fangirl. you should know. i like k-pop, j-pop, asian fashion, asian actors (yes, please note that i like actors only. hahaha.) oh and btw, asia in this sense roughly consists of korea, japan and to some extent, taiwan only.

6. i loooove asian food. now this, consists of ALL asia. especially noodles. i can eat noodles forever.

7. i make excuses. yes, you are exhibit A for this one. you can do anything, and it cannot be wrong in my eyes. you can do something so blantantly against my principles, my heart, and still i can make up an excuse for you.

8. i am very weight conscious. yes, you know this too. but know this, i didn't only start to be like this because of you. no. i mean, try living with a mother that weighs less than you do. i just don't like being the largest in the family. so there.

9. i don't like it when people hover. especially those shopping attendants that follow you when you're looking around, making off-comments, pressuring you to buy. i mean, really! doing that makes me not want to buy just to spite them.

10. i love my family and friends. yes, i am very filial.

11. i believe childish concepts like fate, serendipity, destiny and all the other names for it. i just want to have this excuse for all the bad things that happen to me. (i just want to have an excuse for me to continue hoping and believing that someday... you and me....)

12. i am very unpatriotic. i plan to ditch my country the moment i get that diploma.

13. when it comes to choosing boys, i swing for the fence. lol. yeah, just look at yourself and you'll know what i mean.

14. i like to travel. i guess this is connected to me being so unpatriotic. i always want to leave this sorry place we call "country". okay i'm sorry i'm speaking this way. i know you are very nationalistic, and me talking about my country this way, i don't want you to think of me that way, but cut me some slack okay? you're there. i'm here.

15. i don't like waiting. but well, for certain things, like trains that might never come, i become crazy and just wait.

i'm going to stop at 15 first. i'm getting tired already. and this is pretty long already.

goodnight!

sixty-sixth.

dear (k)you,

something weird happened to me again. i mean, not that i'm special that way, but because i tend to pick out these weird things. or maybe my life is one big bore that things like these fascinate me. i don't know. anyway. since i'm awed by these things, i'll tell you.

see where i come from, we have this superstition that if you dream of yourself losing a tooth, someone you know will die. i never really paid attention to that, but 2 years ago, i dreamt of losing my tooth. get this, a few days after... well my dad died. okay, okay. might be a coincidence. then 3 or 4 months after, damned dream happened again. and then guess what... a close family friend died. okay, okay. might be a coincidence again... well if only it didn't happen 2 more times. grr. i'm not saying i'm this omnipotent weirdo that can see people die. coz there have been deaths (in the last 2 years almost 10 people i know died), when i didn't dream of it. but the thing is, when i dream of tooth-losing thing, someone dies. it's... scary. well anyway. it hasn't happened again so i hope it won't.

now the next weird thing. this vacation i am in, well, we got it on a trip pass. meaning we are chance passengers. so we go to the airport, if there are free seats, we get on. if there are none, we go home. story of our lives. so anyway, i was due to leave one sunday, but we didn't get on. so tue night, i dreamt that we already got on, we were in the carriage carousel getting our bags. wed night, we're off. okay, okay. might be a coincidence. then, my sister and mom were due to come last sunday, but they didn't get any seats. 2 nights ago, i think i was dreaming when i heard someone say that they go on the plane. and voila! in a few hours, i'll be picking them up from the airport.

see i wouldn't have found these things weird if my stone head of a brother didn't say

"wow. you're good. your dreams actually come true."

wtf? now i think about all my other dreams, if there are dreams concerning you. and well... gulp. there was one. and i don't want that dream.

so anyway. must. dream. good. dreams. about. you.

sixty-fifth.

dear (k)you,

my brother's status message says: "someday, i'll be there... i..."

there was something more, but it didn't register anymore. coz all i can think about is "someday, i'll be there... someday, i'll be there... someday, i'll be there..."

where there exactly is... well... you should know that place very well.

in other news... just a random thought. this made me cry, i don't know why exactly.

"that's what you never got. it takes and entire lifetime to write the words "and they lived happily ever after"."

sixty-fourth.

dear (k)you,

you know the type of weather i hate the most? it's when it's raining outside, but it's still so hot. i don't know. during the summer, people always like it when it rains, they say it gives them a break from the sun. but it's still the same temperature. i don't know, people just don't appreciate the sun like i do prolly. well, the way i see it, if the sun's there, at least you there's an excuse for the scorching heat.

kinda like you. as long as you're there, there's an excuse, a reason for me to remain crazy. coz you know, i'm scared of the day when you're no longer there, but i'm still like this. coz i'm naturally crazy, or you're that cool, or worst of all, i've just gotten used to it.

sixty-third.

dear (k)you,

i wonder what you're doing right now? hmm. i really don't know, i'm not really very good at time differences when it's around 5 hrs difference and right now, we are that. so i'm off again today to go out shopping with scary relation (refer to previous entry), we will now call her SR. she's been yapping about going to the mall for the past 3 days like some sort of broken record. so better get this over with anyway just to shut her up.

damn. i sound like some ungrateful girl right now. but i can't help it. i really can't live with someone like that for more than 2 days. really. aaah.

help.

sixty-second.

dear (k)you,

hi. it's been a long time. guess what? i'm overseas right now. it's been quite tiring lately, but more of psychological tiredness. i'm having a hard time. see, right now, i'm living with one relation. and honestly, it's driving me crazy. said relation is hovering over me and my brother for the past 5 days and it's not even funny anymore. not that it's bad, i mean, overseas relations do that right? but it's just that...

i'm selective homophobic. i mean. i'm scared of lesbians. but only if they're very extreme already. and see, said relation is one. so i was having jetlag and having a hard time sleeping. and i don't think she knew i was still awake and i heard her talking to her girlfriend -- in a very disturbing-for-a-homophobic-way. so i don't know how i can even be 2 meters close to her -- and we live in a damn small apartment! grr. this is so hard. so there. it's quite a relief that she has to work on weekdays, leaving me home with my brother. and this weekend, my mother is coming, so there are more people. so it'll get better.

come on, tell me it'll get better. anyway. i just realized, i'm farther from you right now. huh. sad but true. anyway. check back at you ^^

sixty-first.

dear (k)you,

so get this, i saw another shooting star today. can you believe that? i've seen 2 for this year already. and both my wised pertain to you. kekeke. but this is what's funny. see, i'm very much a believer of what you could call "fate" or "destiny" or "serendipity" or whatever and i make "deals" with OAO. mostly these are just to comfort myself. but get this, i made 3 deals in a matter of about 36 hours already.

okay first deal: yesterday, much like all days, it was scorching hot. no clouds in the sky to even cover the blazing sun for a moment. so in a spur of inspiration, i told OAO, if it rains within anytime (i think it was per day is one year before we meet again), we (you and me) are like destined. -- this is so hard to explain. but basically, it rained this morning. a day after. so i take it one year? hmm.

now, second deal: i'm supposed to leave for somewhere today, but on a chance flight. so in another spur of inspiration, i said to OAO that i won't compromise you for the flight. i mean, if we get on, no more you. if we don't get on, we will be together. and yeah, judging from the fact that i'm writing this now, i didn't get on the flight because there was a disruption in another flight.

and last deal: this isn't really a deal. i was just talking to OAO in my usual schizophrenic way, and suddenly this shooting star appears right in front of me. so there. i made a wish.

huh. OAO, if this is you giving me a sign, you know better than all that i believe these kinds of stuff. and man, you're making me crazy with all these.

sixtieth.

dear (k)you,

ha. since i'm still feeling mighty rebellious towards OAO and daddy dear (and to some extent you too), i have decided to still give in to my anorexic urges. hahahaha. i'm really going to regret this one day, but whatever, my life's a freaking wasteland already so bring it on.

i guess my only consolation is my alternate reality and the string of hope that i leave this wasteland after 3 years. and at this point. i really don't care where. just as long as it's not in this god forsaken place. i like that word (phrase?), god-forsaken. i remember that john mayer song, "it's my god-forsaken right to be loved" HA HA HA. it is right? but looks like OAO managed to disregard me yet again. psh. anyway, imma keep bugging him (insert evil laugh here).

oh. and i read somewhere, a crush of mine, who's a little like you, wrote in his social networking site (what the hell is with that, that's just either twitter or facebook, i mean who doesn't have one of those? ah. maybe you, coz you guys use a different site). anyway, he wrote, i think they were lyrics of some song: "you could've been number one, and you could've ruled the world, and we could've had so much fun, but you blew it away."

i feel like that's what i'm about to do. or maybe i've already done it? i don't know. i'd like to think the latter. why did i have to be stuck with this? i got tied down, if chose the former path, i could be on my way to wherever. but, maybe no. coz i wouldn't have this self-proclaimed moronic fangirlish claim over you if i had chosen that path.

oh how i wish i knew these things then. i wish i have a freaking hot tub time machine. or just a time machine. no maybe just a hot tub.

shit. what a freaking rant. and all i wanted to say is that i'm going to be rebellious and not eat again.

fifty-ninth.

dear (k)you,

so, how long has it been? kekeke. 4 days? and here i am acting like it's been 4 years. that's how much you get me messed up. so anyway. i'm starting to eat already. 3, albeit small, meals a day, but 3 nonetheless :) yeah, coz i promised myself, i'd stop this anorexic shit when you leave. but i don't know. i'm feeling a little rebellious lately, (YES I AM TALKING TO YOU OAO AND DADDY-O), i think i might revert back to it, until you know, something extraordinary happens (i am hoping against hope that it's got something to do about you and me getting together and not me collapsing in the middle of whatever).

so there. i'm still thinking about it though. i'll let you know tomorrow if i push through with this ;p coz yeah, i am so good at making freaking excuses already - especially for you.

fifty-eighth.

dear (k)you,

"this is wrong! you don't have the most incredible night of your life and then leave it up to chance do you?" -serendipity. which means, a fortunate accident.

... well yeah maybe. if it was one-sided.

fifty-seventh.

dear (k)you,

i've made up my mind
no need to think it over
if i'm wrong i ain't right
no need to look no further
this ain't lust
this is love but

if i tell the world
i'll never say enough
because it was not said to you
and that's exactly what i need to do
if i'm in love with you

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there?
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere?

i'd build myself up
and fly around in circles
wait then as my heart drops
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there?
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere?

that's all i really wanted to say (ask?) whatever...

fifthy-sixth.

dear (k)you,

i think i'm still going to spew nonsense, my heart still can't reconcile that i was within throwing range from you. you go home today, i guess you couldn't take the heat. kekeke.

but you know what, i can't get rid of the slight disappointment that i have right now. i mean, what the hell did i expect anyway? that you would take one look at me, fall in love and live happily ever after? yeah right. things like that do not happen. especially in our situation. and i have proven that you are good at what you do. yup. too professional. it hurts my heart a little though, coz i really wanted something extraordinary to happen. for you to see me just once. just so you know, someone who looks like me actually existed. or let you see this thing (coz you know, you will never see this). at least you'll have a miniscule idea of how i feel towards you.

so i guess this is until next time. we still have a long time to go. you and i are still young. and i can still prolly bug the heavens for a chance with you. i hope.

fifty-fifth. :)

dear (k)you,

after forever. i finally saw you already. i saw you. in the flesh. you were within i don't know, 7 feet away from me you know that. you didn't see me. i know that. a miracle didn't happen. it's not like i expected one anyway. actually i did. but well, it wouldn't happen anyway. but anyway. seeing you was a miracle already so yeah. it's okay. kekeke.

you were so great you know that? you were so hawt. i am spewing nonsense right now i know. but honestly. i had the best time of my life.

i just wish something happened you know. well something did. i had eye-eye contact with 2 of your friends. but not with you. you didn't see me i know coz i was looking at you the whole time. but still.

this. is. bliss.

you. were. great.

i. love. you.

and just for the record, since i'm feeling mighty cool today. okay imma give you a little clue on who you are:

sa. rang. hae.

fifty-fourth.

dear (k)you,

do you know that right now, you are within 4 kms from where i am? can you imagine that? you are within walking distance from where i am. i wanted to go there and i don't know, maybe stalk you or something, but that's weird. plus, i look like a chicken wrestled with me since i got my hair permed. but whatever. tomorrow i see you.

OH. MY. POOR. HEART. it beats only for

fifty-third.

dear (k)you,

i've never been really good with guilt tripping or with my conscience. and i hate myself for it. you know, for once, i've thought, "why the hell can i not be that thick-skinned" or "why the fuck do i always have to be so twistedly morally correct" or "why do i always think of others before myself". it's funny, coz i always try to pass myself as someone selfless, and then it comes across to other people as drama. i guess it's coz deep down, even if i try to be selfless, secretly, i want them to realize it. to find me pitiful and give me something i want so bad, that i'm almost going to go crazy thinking about it. yeah. i wanted something, but it's crazily expensive for it's worth. but i rally want it, for you. i've been thinking about it ever since 3 months ago. and i would have savd up enough for it, had i not bought something else. but anyway, i wanted to ask my mother money for it. and i know deep down she didn't want to give it to me, no actually she really didn't want to give it to me and she made it clear, but i couldn't help it. i guess my face just showed how much i wanted it and she started freaking out. like really freaking out that i was being difficult, so if i really wanted it go, whatever get the money from the drawer. but the thing is, she wasn't expecting it to be that expensive i guess. but then she asked me, "how much do you want it?" and i wanted to answer "100%". if i had just answered that, she would've given me the money i wanted. if i had just told her the truth of how much i wanted it, i would be on my way now to get it.

but no. i tried to give her hints that i was having a hard time thinking about it, but still in the end, i answered "no, it's okay". what hurts me is that this is the last day i could get it. i can't get it tomorrow, because there'd be no more time. and what hurts more is that she's even mad at me for being like this. i'm sorry i couldn't help the disappointment from my face, but didn't i do what she wanted? didn't i suck it up and obey? like i always do? it's funny coz it's so low. what i want is something so measly, but i really wanted to look my best tomorrow. even if i know it's crazy that you'd be able to see me.

but really, why is it so hard to obey? it hurts my heart so much.

fifty-second.

dear (k)you,

i'm going to bore you again with my grades. but promise! this is the last of it, at least for the remainder of summer. so i kinda know all my grades now. sorta. kekeke. and after 7 semesters, i finally meet my first 3. sucks i know, but well, all's fair in love and war. i know i really didn't do good so much in that. i am hoping though that it's just that. but i have this sinking feeling that i'm going to get another one. but well, i'm not one to complain, after all, i almost cried bucket fulls of tears for that. so there. in other subjects, it kinda made me feel better that i was top 2 in one of the subjects :) isn't that great ne? kekeke. for the first time, i actually made it to the uber top, well almost, and i'm one of the 4 who got well pretty good marks. so yeah. kinda compensates, but not really. but still, i'm happy at least that i passed. that's what i wanted in the first place now isn't it? kekeke. so there. i can finally rest my head and prepare for the next semester, where i probably will be seeing a lot of that 3. sucks, but well, 3's are better than 4's and 5's. i'd take them without hesitation any day.

anyway, sleep tight. exercise. eat (not like me, who by the way got a serious verbal beating coz i'm too skinny already - of course, in my family's standards). practice. fall in love with me -- OKAY KIDDING. BYE.

fifty-first.

dear (k)you,

first off, i'd like oyu to know that i get crazy sometimes and spew nonesense like "i'm so tried of this", "i don't like this", "i don't like you" (refer to below entry). but after all is said and done. you are still my escape from reality. with you, i can escape this shit hole where i am right now. this shit hole i will probably be satying in for the next three years. mark my words. three years. i am going to do my freaking best/worst/whatever-is-necessary just to graduate on time and leave this forsaken place.

in other news, how are you? i guess you're getting tired now? just a few more days (2 actually) and you'll be here. prepare for the extreem heat. it's no joke. kekeke. i really hope you see me when you come here. i really do. even just for a second. you know, just think "oh. who's that?" and then, i guess you'll forget about me already. but it's okay. just as long as you saw me. kekekeke. here i go with my wishful thinking again. anyway. what i really wanted to say is that...

i missed you. and sorry for going crazy.

fiftieth.

dear (k)you,

i think... i am finally tired of this. i've been writing false thoughts in my head, which now all seem so childish -- for the most part. you aren't going to see me come that day.

you aren't going to sing me my favorite song
you aren't going to profess your love
you aren't going to surprise me
you aren't going to fall in love

you aren't even going to know i was there.

i will be a drop in the ocean. your ocean -- where you are the big white cruise ship.

and i am pathetically that jellyfish swimming around you, without you knowing.

forty-ninth.

dear (k)you,

i did it! finally i'm finished with all the exams! and i can finally rest. i think, no, i should - thank you. i know you had nothing to do with it, heck, you don't even know. but it really helped me. you know, me psyching myself up like this. it really helped.

you kinda help me... a lot... and you don't even know it. hm.

so yeah, thanks.

forty-eighth.

dear (k)you,

tomorrow is the day. my last day i mean. please do your magic okay? no more exam talk for the next 2 months or so. and i can finally think only of... kekekeke. anyway. i need to get back to stuffing my head of information. that's my new game plan. just keep on stuffing my head. keep on memorizing stuff until it gives in. it kinda work for the past few ones, so. here's to all my crossed fingers and toes.

forty-seventh.

dear (k)you,

YAY. you did it! i can finally eat and (sorta) relax now. i pulled my average to something more than passing. and i got a pretty high grade on that exam that i studied like hell for. it wasn't so high, but it was high enough for me. it could've been better, if i just understood HOW THE TEACHER WANTED ME TO ANSWER. grrr. i swear, what pisses me off, is i know exactly what he was talking about, but i couldn't answer the way he wanted. but in any case, it was all good. now all i have to do is get a passing grade on the exam on monday and i'm pretty safe. of course i wanna get something higher, just so i wouldn't get my first 3. but hey, i'm not one to complain. i just want to pass.

because me passing means... you coming here already.

forty-sixth.

dear (k)you,

they are going to return one exam tomorrow. the exam that i studied like hell for. but even though i did, i still feel like i am going to fail that exam. i mean seriously. that subject has a way of disappointing me in different levels. and i can't bear it anymore. i think that stupid table is going to do me in. and i have a few mistakes that are minor, but given how shitty the professor checks the exam, he's prolly no going to let it pass. which is fucking bad for me, because i can't get a hang of how he wants the answers written. i do not think like him, so i prolly won't be able to write it properly or the way he wants it to be written.

oh God. i can't breathe again. if i fail this, i definitely cannot pull my grade up anymore to pass. and if that happens, i'm going to repeat. i cannot. but why do i feel so anxious already?

EVERYTHING IS GOING BAD. i can't even face you properly.

forty-fifth.

dear (k)you,

well it's not like i can resist not writing to you. so here i am. kekeke. i really hope i pass this exam. it was hella hard. i hate it coz i was pretending like it was just okay, but i had a lot of mistakes already. and it sucks! if i don't pass this, i have to go back on the 5th! which sucks... anyway, in other news, my friend gave birth already! kekeke. (disclaimer: this statement cannot reveal my age, because let us remember that there are 13 year olds getting pregnant. not that i'm 13, but you get the picture. kekeke) anyway, the little baby girl was so cute! i think she'll name her chloe carlanne. but we have a funnier nickname for the kid. we just kept calling her that, so it stuck.

anyway. PLEASE OH PLEASE WORK YOUR MAGIC OKAY? 60. just 60 and i'll be happy.

forty-fourth.

dear (k)you,

i hafta study so bad already. i need this. i need to get over this hurdle already. please don't distract me too much okay? i'm gonna see you soon anyway. just give me a week first. one week.

forty-third.

dear (k)you,

you did it again!! i'm pretty happy right now! 2 exams to go! i think i should be studying now, but i think i wanna rest my brain. kekeke. so anyway. i went to school freakishly early today, just so we could study. and i swear, i haven't studied this much in a long time. but i kinda feel bad, because i have around 15 points off already. but no matter. i have room for 15 more. hopefully! and then they gave out the results for another exam. i know i did okay on that one. it just makes it so freaking cool that i don't have to take the final exam on that subject anymore.

i know i'm prolly boring you with all the exam talk (but it's not like you can read this ne?), but these exams are all that's taking up my freaking brain these past few weeks. coz if i fail one of them, i would repeat ONE FREAKING WHOLE YEAR. which i do not want to do, coz that would delay me going to you. kekeke. KIDDING. so anyway. this just sucks. and can i just say...

INCIPIENT IS NOT = TO INFECTED. i hate myself. what a stupid mistake!!

forty-second.

dear (k)you,

remember that exam i was dreading? sigh. yup, i got unbelievably low marks on that one. not like i expected to pass (actually i did, but that would've been a total miracle). anyway, so i got 50% on that exam. and now, my standing is still failing. i need to get a 65 on tomorrow's exam just to pass. and i'm getting so frustrated already. i've been studying and studying, but i still feel that i won't be enough, just because it's the WORST subject ever. by worst i don't mean it's not necessary, but it's just the way they make the freaking exam. it's just not designed to make you pass. ugh. or maybe i was just too lazy to study the last exam. i don't know. i don't care. yesterday was the peak of my frustration and i really wanted to throw something. anything. ugh. please make a miracle okay? help me tomorrow. be with me in spirit. kekeke. but don't die! kekeke. you know what i mean. imma go back to studying now.

PANIC.